Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

I think I would probably feel the same. It's interesting how many people seem to think that my initial comment (I've responded to soooo many since!) is saying the the OP should stay with her husband and that not to is transphobic. That's totally not what I'm saying, and I'm not accusing the OP of transphobia!

But on your last point about abuse, I wonder if you'd consider it abusive if Partner A in a relationship wanted to leave the partnership as they no longer felt the same way about the relationship for whatever reason and wanted to move on, but Partner B wasn't ready to relinquish what to them is a loving partnership and begged Partner A to stay. Would that be abusive? I imagine, actually, that that's how most marriages meet their end.

Most of the commenters here seem to think that the husband is manipulative, deceitful and tricked the OP into marriage for selfish reasons. Perhaps you do too. Maybe, but I don't think it's a given. There's nuance to every situation, which we can't possibly be aware of, and a lot of black and white thinking (mostly black) in the comments.

Jesus, who does he think he is? Tell him to get lost. He's a manipulator. Did I read up thread that you are the main bread winner? If that's right then he probably sees his comfy life slipping away from him. Teaching kindness? How about honesty?

His world is coming crashing down as well as the OP's. People act in desperate ways when they're feeling desperate.

He/she is not trying to be balanced. He/she is saying that your husband's needs outweigh yours.

@BrickJoker, do you think it's a coincidence that this man only felt 'safe enough' to share his journey or whatever once they were married?

And on the subject of cherrypicking, TRAs can't have it both ways. Either sex and gender mean the same thing, in which case the OP has married a woman against her will, or not. Which is it?

No it's absolutely not. Some of the comments here are transphobic though. I hope both parties have friends they can lean on to support them through what must be a traumatic time for both of them, and that they come out of it as friends.

OP, your husband is being emotionally abusive. He has been calculated and manipulative and dishonest. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. The mumsnet mantra of ‘leave the bastard’ has never been more apt.

To be honest it’s totally irrelevant for the OP whether it’s a mental illness or not.

I’m sure she probably wouldn’t want to be married to him if he came out as gay either. Why the fuck would you?

He’s already said the thought of having sex with her disgusts him.

Most women thankfully place their self worth higher than to stay with a man who says such things.

"I wonder if you'd consider it abusive if Partner A in a relationship wanted to leave the partnership as they no longer felt the same way about the relationship for whatever reason and wanted to move on, but Partner B wasn't ready to relinquish what to them is a loving partnership and begged Partner A to stay."

The problem with this argument, as should be obvious, is that the reason matters.

There isn't much nuance in a situation where one partner has rendered the marriage voidable.

We will have to agree to disagree.

I sympathise with him. He's only human, and he probably didn't get into this pickle entirely voluntarily. But his objectives and worldview are now so incompatible with anything that OP could reasonably want for her own life, that I can see no point in delaying the inevitable. He will be insulated to some extent by the euphoria, and cheerleading from allies; it's OP who'll need emotional support, so I hope she's got some.

Do not allow him back into your home and do not allow him to guilt you into putting up with his shit.

He married you under false pretences. Make that clear to him.

If he carries on bombarding you with messages, I do think it would be best to tell one of your parents and give him their number so that all calls, which should be about DC only, come through them.

What a selfish, arrogant, manipulative prick he is.

Kindness?!!!

Fucking unbelievable.

Their marriage vows haven't been consummated. Do you understand how the law works?

This is the story of an American transwidow's experience, published in the Daily Mail this weekend. Poor woman.

archive.ph/HQbtG

Hi @confusedpasty I’ve been tagged a couple of times on this thread.

I would reiterate that you need to get proper legal advice but can confirm that the provision for annulment on the grounds of gender transition only is applicable if he’s applying for a GRC and he won’t be at that stage yet.

its common for abuse to step up after marriage or the birth of a child so you are not alone in that.

Please ignore any bollocks about putting him first. Put yourself and your child first.

You can read other women’s stories on the Trans Widows Voices website
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

If he admitted the harm that he had done, and were doing everything he could to help the OP end the marriage, 'only human' might have some relevance.

However, he says that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self, yet minimises the OP's feelings as transphobia, and apparently expects the OP to remain in the marriage that has fundamentally changed, as if this was what she always wanted.

This isn't just somebody getting into a pickle. It's manipulative, abusive behaviour.

Yes, I agree. I was just referring to the origins of the law and pointing out that the reason marriages must be consummated to be legitimate is not because sex is inherently important in a marriage but because Pope Leo I (who was of course celibate himself!) decreed that an unconsummated marriage didn't contain the sacrament of Christ. Hence why sex only has to be performed once in a marriage to be legitimate...

No, I think it's because we still think sex is important in a marriage.

It's why it's still the law.

I hate it when on a thread someone will post "If a man posted..." BUT I can't help but wonder if all these posters on THIS thread, who are all so supportive of OP's poor lamb husband and are advocating she shelve herself in favour of a sexless life to this ridiculousness, would be suggesting a male poster in the same predicament should suck it up and support his wife who now believes herself to be a bloke? 🤔 I think probably not.

Not a single comment on here is transphobic - your opinion to the contrary.

I agree, though I wonder whether he will be insulated by euphoria. Both parties have the trauma of a failed marriage to contend with, and the breakup of their family unit, and he will also have navigate living life as a completely different person. I hope they both have the support they will need.

I've recently read a very sensitively written book about someone who went through this;
Some Body to Love: A Family Story

Alexandra Heminsley
Hope this helps

Consummation is only after marriage.

I think you and and theilltemperedqueenofspacetime might be skipping over some of the relevant details.

I might have missed the comments as I haven't read all of them, but I haven't seen anybody suggest she should shelve herself in favour of a decks life.

I've asked for three examples, but none have been offered.