Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

“He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!”

It’s not his call. He is literally not the person you thought he was. Some people would be cool with this. Plenty wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Well the ‘good news’ is that both parties do not need to consent to an annulment in the UK (if you’re in the uk?).

Just like with divorce, one person can apply for an annulment without the other’s agreement. The court will consider the facts and decide whether the legal grounds for annulment are met.

You file a nullity petition with the court and he has the chance to respond or contest the annulment. If they don’t respond or don’t contest it, the court can proceed without their input. If they do contest it, a hearing may be required, and the court will decide based on evidence and the grounds claimed.

But even if he disagrees, the court will grant the annulment if you can prove one of the legal grounds (e.g. non-consummation or transitioning).

If you haven’t already, can you get proof in writing about the non consummation- for example, have you had any text conversations about this? If not, can you start a text / email conversation that he replies to so you have something in writing?

You can petition for divorce after 1 year if you don’t want to make any decisions now.

There is so much to consider with this one. Why is your husband refusing to annul the marriage if he finds sex disgusting as a man? If he transitions to a woman you would be in a lesbian relationship, regardless to his genitalia, he will be forcing you to choose a serial orientation that isn't true to yourself.
Plus you need to think of your son. If he transitions to a woman publicly, will he want your child to call him mam? They can't call him dad in public if he is presenting as a female? Your DC birth certificate will have his "dead" name on it and old gender, will he want this renewing with 2 mothers named on? Which is legal BTW.
I would be walking away from this one. Even if he contests an annulment, you would win.

Take time to think about what is best for all.

Many marriages can still be very positive without sex.

Get some legal advice based on the ramifications of an annulment on your child and remember there is no rush.

That's awful for you. I can't offer legal advice I'm afraid but I have a friend who was in your situation and you're doing the right thing not staying and supporting him through it. My partner did stay and supported her then husband, thinking she was doing the right thing being loving and supportive. Only for her partner to then abandon her and their young son as his/ her new life was supposedly more important.

I would get legal advice as this is more than just about the marriage break-up, you're about to become a single parent. You'll need to sort out housing, child custody and all the rest.

Op needs to consider what is best for herself and her child.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

It can’t be that he has just discovered that in the last 3 months. And his comment makes me think he went through the wedding hoping that would be enpugh to stop you from leaving him. Basically wanting you be be his support whilst ‘he finds himself and comes out’ despite the fact he is taking away everything that makes a marriage (and not just the sex).

That’s a HUGE sense of entitlement there.

Yes they can.
But not in your 30s when you’ve just got married and you thought you were marrying a man, not a woman. Not when you didn’t know no sex was on the cards.

Many marriages can still be very positive without sex

A man would never be told this.

@confusedpasty can I ask why you are looking for an annulment rather than a straight divorce?

I think you need to lay it out to him in very clear terms that the options aren't "annulment or stay together" but are "annulment or divorce". That you absolutely aren't staying with him.
As for the ramifications on the child that a faux concerned poster spaffed about upthread, how about the ramifications on the child of growing up stuck in a home with a self-centred arsehole for a father who trapped the child's mother into marriage?
Utterly, utterly self-centred man.

Probably because you can’t get divorced until you’ve been married for 1 year, in the uk.

I feel for both of you. He's in a very troubling situation and clearly is something that has made up who he is for quite some time.
You married without having all the facts and are now being put in an impossible situation.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

Thats not his decision to make, he doesn’t own you and I can’t for the life of me understand why someone would want to keep someone married to them when they know that person doesn’t want to be married to them, it’s sick!

Op it very much can be annulled. Can you get proof of the request to transition in writing by text or something.

Totally agree

Your situation ticks 2 of the boxes for eligibility for annulment. Do it ASAP. I'm so sorry x

The marriage isn't consummated until you've had sex after the marriage. Having sex before the marriage doesn't count because there was no marriage to consummate.

In your shoes I’d want an annulment too. But I’d urge him to seek mental health support because his interests don’t make him transgender. That’s just stereotyping. Whether you stay together or not your son needs a Dad and your husband needs to face the reality that he is a father with fatherly responsibilities.

I agree. It all sounds very suspicious and I think there was an element of deception here in order that he’d get the marriage he wanted. That alone would make me damn sure I wouldn’t be staying with him.

Could he be gay? During the time your sexual interest understandably waned due to having a young child, was he looking at porn stuff online? A friend got into sissy porn, thought he was gay, then trans for quite a while, but then that all petered out and there has been no sign since.

I echo seeking legal advice. I think you’d probably be entitled to an annulment but a divorce might benefit you more financially.

He has attempted to trap you by withholding it until after the wedding. He probably assumes being married means you won’t leave him. What a selfish prick he is.

I would try and text him to discuss it as much as possible and mention the lack of sex since the wedding. Then you can presumably use the texts as evidence for the Annulment.

Good luck OP, you’re in an awful position but don’t let this man guilt you into staying with him. He is a liar and not the man you thought xx

I'm so sorry OP. Your husband is utterly selfish wanting to stay together after tricking you into marriage. You deserve to have a happy healthy marriage, not just stay with someone who has deceived you and won't love you the way you want to be loved.

Definitely get an annulment or divorce. Either way your marriage is over and quite frankly you deserve better.

The marriage was after the child's birth.

So is he expecting you to stay married to him but go without sex for the rest of your life? That’s a big ask.

Its easier to get a divorce than an annulment.

My friends DH disappeared from the reception and she looked into an annulment but it was so tedious, she just went for the divorce option.