Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

And you're attributing motive to those of us who think the best thing for OP to do is to leave this man - you're telling us we are transphobic.

No, it's simply that we can see how much damage this man has done to his marriage. And will continue to do if she stays.

And it is a demonstrable fact that he has lied to her, tricking her into a marriage based on a lie.

I’d reply with,
“I’m not transphobic. You’ve told me that you’re a woman, I accept that. But I’m not a lesbian so that means the end of our marriage.”

Can’t be accused of transphobia then. If he is a woman, then you’d have to be a lesbian. And you’re not so… that’s it.

"My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life."

This is manipulation. He is destroying the relationship and blaming you for it. His behaviour is deeply selfish and narcissistic. He wants you to stay to serve his needs and to protect his image. Look at TransWidows and you will see his behaviour is not unique; it is a well-established pattern that serves only him. It is emotional abuse and you are in dangerous territory here. Please put yourself and your child first, and ignore his attempts to make you feel guilty. He is NOT the victim!

Selfish much. Is op just supposed to give up the life she thought she'd have?
What if she wanted more children? His wants do not come before hers.
Seriously can't believe someone thinks like this,. Till death us do part does not mean put yourself last forever.

@confusedpasty , your DH still thinks it's a choice between annulment and you staying married, he hasn't understood you'll annul or divorce but either way you're leaving. Once he understands he'll get angry so I wouldn't tell him alone, if possible have someone else in the house just incase.
Get out Op, one way or another, he just wants you to help him transition, he's got no thought for your feelings, he just assumed you'd go along with it. Entitledment on that big a scale doesn't get any better

He's gaslighted you.

He decieved you into this marriage. He just wants you by his side to show he is accepted.

Instead he's lied to you and now using emotional blackmail to get ehat he wants. He's also leaning on his mum to pike on the pressure.

Of course you can get the marriage annulled.

Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.

OK, well forget "motive" for one minute then.

Let's just have a look at the situation. The OP got married several weeks ago after being in a relationship with this guy for several years.

The OP herself says that he had always "...been more ‘feminine’ " and that was fine because that was just part of who he was.

The OP signed up to a heterosexual marriage with a man. Vows are not just words during a marriage ceremony.

A "feminine" man is still a man as much as any other man.
.

But the husband is now saying

"...his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self"

Just taking seriously, for one moment, the idea that he is somehow now a woman, the OP did not sign up to a same sex marriage. She signed up to marry a heterosexual man.

If one partner wants to totally change a relationship from something that had previously been agreed to something that is totally different then there is no reason at all why the other partner should be forced to go along with change against their will.
.

But, in reality, he hasn't changed sex; it is (to my mind) either a fetish for him or a mental illness. But even then I would still say that these are ample grounds to want to leave a relationship that is now totally different in nature to the one that you signed up to.

Regardless of his motives, it's his actions that count.

Please know that choosing not to stay in this relationship is not transphobic. I’m sure you will respect your husband’s choices, and that you’ll raise your child to understand and respect them too. But that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay married in order to do so.

Don’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you. While it’s clearly a painful situation for him as well, it’s also deeply manipulative to wait until after you’ve had a child and married to tell you, and now accuse you of being transphobic — or of raising your son to be — because you are honest about your feelings.

I’m assuming you are one of the first people he has told, and so you asking for an annulment probably feels to him like a rejection of who he is. You are rejecting a marriage based on lies, not him as someone who is transitioning. His feeling of rejection is his issue to deal with, not yours. Not wishing to remain married to him now is not transphobic.

If you separate now, with care and boundaries, you may be able to build a strong, respectful co-parenting relationship. But if you’re forced to stay through guilt and manipulation, it sets you up for a lifetime of resentment.

He has every right to live his life as he chooses — and so do you.

No @confusedpasty divorcing someone who decides to transition after marriage is not transphobic.

Transphobia means hostility, prejudice, or discrimination against transgender people. Choosing to leave a relationship because your partner’s gender identity no longer aligns with your own needs, boundaries, or sense of compatibility is not about prejudice, it’s about your own personal feeling and autonomy.

Relationships are built on mutual compatibility, including emotional, physical, and sexual dynamics. If your DH’s transition changes the nature of your relationship in a way that no longer works for you, it’s valid to end that relationship — with respect, kindness, and compassion. He can object, but it’s not his choice.

Respecting someone’s identity doesn’t require sacrificing your own. You can support their journey and co-parent or remain connected in other ways, without staying in a romantic or marital relationship that no longer feels right.

I'm as aware of what happened as you are, but thanks. If you're exhausted by claims of bigotry, perhaps you need to ask yourself why you think claims of bigotry are aimed at you. Clearly you do give enough of AF to take the trouble to respond. Thanks.

says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life.

and so the threats, gas lighting and emotional manipulation begins. Kindness works two ways and he is not considering you at all in this. Playing the victim and using your son as a negotiating tool.

He has almost certainly been feeling this way for some time - it might be worth trying to check out internet history if you can as it may shed some light on how far this has gone on for.

Stay with him and you will be teaching your son about a miserable and dysfunctional 'marriage' based on lies and manipulation. Doing this is not transphobic at all - it just does not fit the narrative your DH wants.

Worth a chat with a solicitor - suspect it can be annulled under several options, including fraud.

Found the husband! 😂

Lying, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, but ahhh he has the magical trans get out of jail free card, which means he can act as much as a shit as he wants and us women, well we're just all sooo disturbing aren't we?! Be KIND ladies 😂😂

Did ‘DH’’s Mum know this was a likely situation & allowed it to go this far, so that she could have a grandchild?

what an awful awful thing to happen to you. Your first reaction was to end the relationship, that’s your gut telling you and your gut is correct. He has lied to you. He his not the man you married and wanted to live your future with, you need to follow the mumsnet advice, ducks in a row, solicitors etc but you need to get your own support network, your friends and family, you don’t need to keep this man’s secrets. You and your child are your responsibility and you will never trust this man again let alone have a happy fulfilling life, you deserve better than this.

This is ridiculous and manipulative. Nothing at all to do with being transphobic, the issue is he deceived you into this marriage before completely changing the goal posts, you married a man, you cannot be expected to suddenly overnight change your sexuality. You won’t be teaching your son transphobia, you can support his relationship with his son and make sure they remain in each others lives. Maybe through the course of time in the future you may be able to become friends and support him as a friend, but the marriage under the terms you believed you were entering into it, is over, and he shouldn’t be guilt tripping or manipulating you into believing anything else.

Fair, if the OP's interest in the marriage was purely about sex and appearance, in which case it was probably doomed to fail from the outset regardless of any of the husband's actions, and annulment is probably in everyone's best interests.

You have no grounds for deciding the husband's transitioning is all about fetishism or mental illness - that's purely a function of your pre-conceived ideas of what is "normal". It's exactly how gays were treated not that long ago by people with bigoted ideas based on what they regarded as "the norm". The more gay people spoke out and became visible, the more they were accepted. It's not now regarded by most people as a fetish, mental illness, etc to be gay...

As a side-note, but not unrelated, patients with the neurological condition ME/CFS were not that long ago routinely considered mentally ill and dumped in an asylum. Even as recently as 2005 people with ME were being sectioned in this country. It's been recognised by WHO as having nothing to do with mental health since 1969, yet it took until 2021 for the NICE guideline for ME/CFS to recognise this and to retract it's advice that it should be treated as a mental illness. In the meantime, countless lives have been ruined by being dismissed as mentally ill. It's not a label to be groundlessly bandied about - it has serious real-life consequences.

Thanks for confirming my point. Be kind, lady.

With respect, you should take your lack of empathy for the OP and shove it up your arse.

☺️

Be kind? What shite when he’s deliberately deceived you and totally ruined your relationship/future! How can you possibly stay in a fake relationship with no chance of a normal life/no further children/he transitions publicly?! He’s deluded and utterly deceitful. Just no. You are entitled by law to an annulment and if he contests it, then his issues and complete lack of integrity will be made very public.

God, you people never run out of realities to appropriate, do you? ME? Come on now. Her husband isn’t suffering from a medical condition, and he had no need to lie for years until they married except to use her.

Did you expect all those women trapped by lying husbands in ‘lavender’ marriages to put up and shut up as well?

BTW, you might want to open your eyes. AGP is an exceedingly public paraphilias. It thrives on exposure and forced participation, and evidences itself everywhere, constantly.

you seem to mean be silent.

Yes for some of these people "transphobia" means "not doing exactly as you're told, and never mind how you feel, that doesn't matter".

OP does not have to stay married to anyone. We all have a right to leave any relationship for no reason at all if we want. As it happens she has two legal grounds for annulment but even if she didn't she'd have every right to end the marriage. There being a trans-identifying person involved doesn't mean she magically now has to pander to whatever he wants otherwise it's "transphobia", as some seem to think.

I mean most people go into a marriage expecting to have sex with their spouse - it would be seen as a standard expectation

No. In fact I've said I agree the best thing all round in this case is annulment since the OP clearly isn't invested in the partnership. I'm referring to the transphobic comments - it's up to you whether you think I'm talking to you in that regard.

But you are assuming he tricked the OP into marriage. You haven't considered his inner turmoil and that being married might have brought to the fore something he was genuinely unaware of, or hadn't come to terms with and was in denial himself. You are assuming a motive.

And if you think men should get to mess their partner around, deny them sex, try to manipulate and coerce them with emotional blackmail, use their child against them, make false accusations of transphobia, AND expect to be seen as a woman yet not accept that their partner is straight so shouldn't be expected to be with a woman - and in response the women must only "be kind" - I have news! You're a roaring sexist.