Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

I completely agree with you, there was no ‘shaming’ intended in my post, I wasn’t implying at all that my path would be better, just different.

No, shame on YOU, not this poor woman who has been lied to, trapped and deceived and has done nothing wrong.

gas-lighting nonsense to further an agenda. We see you.

Go on then - show me a transphobic post.

I can wait.

Perhaps you could also consider that your response- to a woman whose life has been turned upside down by someone who is supposed to love her - is lacking in empathy to the point of psychopathy. But you won’t.

OP - you’ll be spinning for the next few days. If you want practical help, DM me an area and I’ll find you a solicitor with the relevant experience, and a support service you can talk it through with until you’re ready to talk to your real life circle,

He's emotionally manipulating you. He's also suggesting that your a bigot and transphobic if you don't stay with him. He's a fucking piece of work.

You need to be very clear that you won't be continuing the relationship and will be seeking an annulment. If he contests the annulment you will let the judge decide. But, you won't stay married to him regardless. If there isn't an annulment there will be a divorce. He's been living a lie and married you under false pretences. You dont want to be married to a woman. You don't want a sexless marriage. You don't want to continue a relationship with someone who used you as his beard for almost a decade. It's done.

You aren't a bigot because you want to be married to a man. You aren't a bigot because you want to have sex with a man. You aren't a bigot because you don't find a trans woman attractive. You aren't a bigot because you don't want to support his transition. You aren't a bigot because you feel lied to, deceived and tricked.

I think you need to be very clear that his relationship with you is over. However, you will co parent with him as best as you can in order to make the seperation and his transition as painless as possibl for your child. Your child will love him regardless of if he's a man or a woman because he's their parent. He needs to consider wellbeing and keep them at the centre of his mind. Ultimately, disputing/ contesting the annulment isn't in your child's best interests nor is a long drawn out divorce.

I think you need a solicitor but also therapy. This is a huge shock for you and all extremely traumatic. You also need to get support for your child. My school offered lots of different therapies. It might be worth talking to the SENCO and also your GP. You and your child have a tricky time ahead. A relationship breakdown is really hard but the transitioning will be difficult and confusioning for a little one.

The trans bubble that for a time provided a veil of respectability for men's rights activism and narcissism has burst

Not just men’s rights activism, men’s sexual rights activism.

Run away from this man and don’t look back

The op has stated he isn't interested in sex with a man. He wants to have sex as a woman. Classic AGP

Honestly the word transphobia is thrown around like confetti these days as well as bigot and hateful towards anyone who doesn’t bow down at the alter of entitled misogynistic men with AGP and their handmaiden cheerleaders.

He is guilty of marrying the OP by deception. To not want to continue in this charade pandering to his delusions is not transphobic, its reality for the poor OP who has has the rug pulled from under her.

He can be who he chooses to be but equally the OP can choose not to stay married to someone who has deceived her.

@confusedpasty he is a massive manipulator .
Trying to coercive you into staying . Waited u till
you have committed before telling you.
You really should tell him all this.

This is about choice he made his choices at what point did you get to make yours ? You haven’t .
You choose a husband not a wife . You didn’t get that .
Don’t let him play with your emotions .
He doesn’t have to agree . Go ahead anyway with the annulment .
Solicitor tomorrow op .

If he was a decent person he would have told her before the wedding therefore giving her a choice whether to go through with it.

By waiting until after the wedding to tell her he has attempted to trap her into a sham marriage she would never have consented to. That is the issue- the deception and entrapment.

I wonder if the gaslighting can be turned on him.

No, exDH, I fully understand what you are doing. You are now a woman and that’s how I see you. I accept it. I hope you find happiness and live your true self.

Thing is, I’m heterosexual. I like men. I didn’t sign up for a Lesbian relationship. I’m not programmed that way. So, we are no longer together. Please make all contact via email or text please. I wish you well.

Don’t tell him about solicitors, annulments etc. Don’t give him a heads up.

He’s going to throw you under a bus when he doesn’t get what he wants, when you don’t support him. Keep your cards close to your chest, say nothing about his transition, just wish him well and offload him quickly.

Exactky this, we all.know where this is heading for him. Hook ups on Grindr and being penetrated by men 'as his true womanly self' in order to pretend hes not gay. Men like him who are repressed homosexuals are used to lying and deceipt. It won't be a stretch to hide his new sex life from you (and he probably already is). He doesnt want sex with you OP because he wants to have sex with men, but hasnt been honest enough to admit it. He is the one who is homophobic, he is the one who has been bought up to believe that homosexuality is wrong and he is the one with a problem. How dare he try and coerce you into being some kind of pretend lesbian, when he knows only too well how it feels to have to lie about your sexuality (to others and yourself).

An annulment means you were never married in the first place. Very different from having been married and then divorcing.

Oh, bugger off. Op should be thinking about herself and her dc, not about her h, who has clearly trapped her into marriage under false pretences. Why should she put her deceitful husband’s feelings above her own?

My marriage imploded suddenly for completely different reasons to yours OP but I remember being in total shock and devastation whilst also feeling like I had to “sort very thing” immediately. You don’t need to rush any of the legal side, whether it’s annulment or divorce.

You probably feel you’re on a runaway train and have to do everything to jump off, but the best way to jump off is to actually step back and give yourself time to process your options and just breathe.

I agree with others that seeing him on Wednesday alone is not a good idea. Do you have someone you are close enough to talk to this about, and who could be with you on Wednesday? Trying to have a reasonable discussion with him is not going to be productive when he is trying to gaslight you and control you so if possible I would not see him at all, and do everything through a solicitor in your own time. My DC were older teenage so I don’t have advice about him seeing your child but I would think you can put that off for a few days until you have got advice.

Right now you need to prioritise your well-being, you have had a huge shock and you need to allow yourself to be angry, grieve the life you thought you had and just get through these first few weeks, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I haven’t read the trans widow threads but have been on the feminist board for several years as a lurker, you would get understanding and help if you post over there, there are many extremely well informed posters on there.

See a solicitor and get the annulment underway asap. Don’t meet him.It will be a shitshow of self-pity and recrimination and accusations of transphobia. Can you move a long way away in order to protect your child? That would be my priority though I know it might be difficult.

I also wouldn’t be alone with him, you need someone else in the house with you. I don’t know what family you have but I think just having a another man about would be preferable.

Id shut down any discussion about getting back together, be clear you want to be with a man. It’s better for him to be on his own and find the kind of relationship that now suits him.
The only discussion is annulment, living arrangements and issues to do with your child.

I imagine he had a lot of online support in this who are telling him he just needs to persuade you to comply and probably told him to wait till after the wedding so you were ‘trapped’.

I'm afraid a PP has a point. It may be safer not to be alone with him. He's shown himself up to be a manipulative liar. Now he's discovered not having had sex allows you to annul the marriage, he may be after manipulating you into having sex, or failing that lying that you had sex. Meeting in a public place might be safer for you, or having a friend with you if you must meet at home.

And OP, your h is an absolute piece of work for suggesting that you are transphobic and you should model kindness to your dc. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He wasn’t kind to you, was he?

Disengage. He’s only thinking about himself here.

Because in the heads of men like this, women are only ever the support humans to their main character - they don't get to have autonomy and their own opinions, they're just there to provide services to the important human, the man.

There's a court case ongoing at the moment with one of these guys for stalking and harassment, his defence was that his ex-wife was his only emotional support - the fact that she didn't want to see or speak to him was entirely irrelevant as far as he was concerned.

OP isn't a lesbian, so she doesn't have to stay in the marriage. Her "D"H tricked and deceived her into a fake marriage, so she is under no obligation to support him. She's entitled to an annulment, and to have as little contact as she wishes with him going forward, other than what's necessary for their child. And no-one on here or in real life should be trying to guilt trip her for it.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you especially with a young child together but in your situation I would get legal advice and separate in lieu on annulment / divorce. It’s ok for him to be saying you should stay together etc but it’s your life and living a lie is not an option for me

He would contest it ? Wow. Good luck, OP. Move forward and rebuild your life. 🌼

Abusive men can be particularly dangerous when they feel they are losing control. ‘Kellie’ Maloney tried to kill his wife. Not saying this lying sack of shit would try to kill the OP, but he’s already started being manipulative and insulting her and it’s only day 2! I wouldn’t want to be alone with him. Frankly I wouldn’t want any to see or speak to him ever again.

Im actually disgusted he is accusing you of transphobia, the manipulation of your emotions and using his son is disgusting.

You don't have to be married to him to support him as a fellow parent on his trans journey.

As I said get legal advice now and push ahead with the annualment

Quite frankly, FUCK THAT!!!
Her now-husband lied to her, he is now telling her that the idea of sex with her disgusts him and he wants to be a woman.
His journey is just that, his. The OP did not sign up for a sexless marriage or to be in a “lesbian” relationship.
She should absolutely be thinking about herself and about her child.
I cannot believe some of the responses on here. “His truth”?! FFS.

I've read your posts and a few others. YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, I can't believe someone here said you are.

That is beyond deception. You were together years and have a son. Of course he knew and he was waiting to be married in the hopes you wouldn't leave.

Tell his mum it is up to him where he stays but it won't be with you.