Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

But you are assuming he tricked the OP into marriage. You haven't considered the inner turmoil he must have been feeling and that being married might have brought to the fore something he was genuinely unaware of, or hadn't come to terms with and was in denial himself. You are assuming a motive.

Even if trans is a real thing and not a fetish or a mental disorder, the announcement of a trans identity still fundamentally changes the nature of the relationship because the husband is not the person he presented himself as, his values are not what he presented, and he wants a relationship in which he can “have sex as a woman”. To that end, he has rejected OP’s sexual advances since before the wedding, and cannot foresee a time when their sex life might resume as before. Therefore, he has unilaterally changed the terms of their marriage and relationship. That’s unreasonable by any measure.

Saying so- judging his actions- is not transphobic. This isn’t an ‘in sickness and in health’ issue, it’s an issue of honesty and values. There are lots of values I would find fundamentally incompatible with mine and unacceptable in my home, and if my OH announced he believed in any of them I would struggle to continue in the relationship. Particularly if the change affected our relationship in material or practical ways, and particularly if the change were enforced on me in a ‘you must accept this’ way as has happened here.

I know that’s hard for trans-identifying people and their allies to hear, but at the end of the day that’s the way it is. Not prejudices or phobia, but a fundamental incompatibility and rejection of the new situation on offer.

I think you should divorce, not get an annulment, depending on your circumstances I.e. If he is the higher earner then you would have rights rather than none if you get it annulled. If you are the higher earner then get it annulled.

What an absolute bastard!! How about his dad teaching him to to lie and deceive?! It's nothing to do with transphobia, I'm live and let live I don't care, but if someone marries you and then basically turns your life upside down because they feel like they haven't been living as their true self and now they want to change everything that's betrayal and deception. He can't just expect you to all of a sudden become a lesbian and ignore the fact he's withheld this from you until after you got married! He can't start calling you transphobic because it's something you don't want.

They didn't even have sex on their wedding night or the morning after. I think that says a lot about his motive

As soon as she said I do he withdrew sexual intimacy. That screams entrapment

The fact he is trying to prevent an anullment and guilt her into staying with him screams it harder

Fair, if the OP's interest in the marriage was purely about sex and appearance, in which case it was probably doomed to fail from the outset regardless of any of the husband's actions,

How dare you assume that!

She has been with him for many years, they have a child together. At least do her the courtesy of understanding that there was a lot more to the relationship than "sex and appearance".

The husband is demanding a fundamental change in the status of the marriage, turning it into a same sex marriage and her into a lesbian. She is entitled not to want that.

She was tricked into marriage, and any trust she had in him has been betrayed. It's entirely reasonable for her to want to end this sham marriage.

Leaving your husband is not transphobic. He’s manipulating you- this is your life and you owe it to yourself and your child to live it honestly. Look at Trans widows link posted upstream, some lived experiences. I hope you have supportive friends.

If you were genuinely interested in a conversation instead of a fight I would happily engage with you. You're clearly not.

If you read my comment you will note that I wasn't responding to the OP and didn't actually mention her at all.

Apart from your misreading of my comment and general hysteria, it's interesting that you say her husband is "supposed to love her", when there are no grounds to assume he doesn't. I've no doubt you'll huff and putff and will respond with at minimum, borderline transphobia. Have at it. I won't engage.

It's hardly gaslighting since I haven't referred to the OP or her response to her husband. I'm referring to people like you. 🫵

Why should anyone but him care about his inner turmoil? His first reaction was to say he’ll contest an annulment, if he was genuinely a good person who just suddenly woke up one day and thought I cannot go on like this, I need to live as a transgender woman then he would be prepared to let his spouse walk away.

It should not come as a shock to anyone, trans or otherwise, that a heterosexual woman would not want to be in a relationship with a man presenting himself to the world as a woman, it’s a fairly niche dating pool.

Had her husband said 'I am sorry, this was a mistake and this is my true self. I understand if you want an annulment/ divorce and I will do my best to make this change as easy as possible and I want to be there for my son' then I would have more respect for him and his inner turmoil.

There you go...

No, you don’t mention the OP. A complete lack of kindness towards her.

The way she has been treated - a nine year relationship, a child, then a marriage- then the withdrawal of sexual intimacy and the revelation that he is trans. That isn’t how you treat someone you love. She is reeling from this and you couldn’t give a shiny shit about her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes. I've addressed that elsewhere and agreed that annulment is probably in the best interests of everybody in this case.

But her husband is saying he won't allow an annulment. So what do you feel about that?

Maybe if some men didn't have form for waiting until a woman's made a committment before showing their real selves women would have more sympathy. How many posts on here I've had a baby now DH does nothing to help, I've been married a year and found out he's in debt, a gambler, secretly takes drugs, wants an open marriage are women supposed to say Oh well, best I get on with it. sorry don't why it's underlined

Sad, actually, since this is not a happy situation for anybody. But he may not have a choice...

That it’s tough shit on his part, both parties do not need to agree, it may take longer but if an annulment is requested by one party and the request is found to be valid then the marriage is annulled,

Have you finished?

Leaving aside the debate about whether it’s helpful or dismissive to think of gender dysphoria as a mental illness…
Claiming marriage shouldn’t just be about sex and appearance and that OP is shallow for reacting the way she has is cruel and manipulative.
Of course marriage is about sex! Most people in the Western world believe marriage is about romantic love. And for most people the concept of romantic love involves mutual sexual attraction, respect and care for each other, and mutually enjoyable companionship. Yes, over the course of a lifetime, the initial sexual attraction may become less important than the respect, care and companionship, and these things may ebb and flow with the ups and downs of life. But asking someone to give up on the sexual attraction part of marriage after three celibate months is unrealistic. For most people the sexual attraction is the initial spark that leads to getting to know the other person and spending time together and developing that mutual respect, care and companionship. The fact that OP’s husband must have known he didn’t want to continue having sex a man before the wedding shows a lack of respect towards her. He’s not concerned with her feelings or her needs, showing a lack of care towards her. And, from her point of view, he’s telling her he’s actually not the person she thought he was, but someone else she doesn’t know or recognize. He’s broken the companionship aspect of their relationship too. Dismissing OP’s reaction as showing she only cares about sex is also dismissing her desire for a respectful caring marriage with someone she knows and trusts. Expecting her to ignore or modify her own sexual needs is at best, dismissive, and at worst, coercive.
Her husband’s expectation that she will support him emotionally and stay in the marriage when from her point of view he’s just burnt the foundations of their relationship to ash is delusional. Just because some women would not leave in a similar situation does not make OP wrong or transphobic to feel like she has been tricked into a sham marriage and to want her marriage to be dissolved and considered invalid.

Does him saying he will try to block an annulment not make him a d*head?

He has firstly trapped her in this sham marriage and is now trying to prevent her getting out quickly. That is what we are angry about.

‘Be kind!’ they bleat, as this man lies, entraps, manipulates and insults his wife. ‘Be kind!’ they bleat, as he blows up his marriage and family for the sake of his fetish. ‘Be kind!’ they bleat, meaning ‘be silent!’ ‘be obedient!’ ‘Submit!’. Don’t fall for it, OP.

Many women do, but if you see my comments elsewhere I have agreed that annulment is the best outcome in this case.

As for why anybody should care about his inner turmoil - I care, and I don't even know the bloke! This is not a happy situation for anybody, and people with any empathy at all will see that. The OP presumably loved him enough to marry him and though she can't see her future with him now - fair enough - I'd be very surprised if she doesn't care about his inner turmoil herself.

Ooh careful. Bit of misgendering going on there. Need to redo your tra/allieship training.

You've made your point, I've made mine. We disagree. 🤷🏼‍♀️. There's no point in coming back at me again with further fulmination.