Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

He planned this. He tried to trap you. Only bought up his delusion that he could become a woman after the marriage. That is so deceptive, truly sociopathic behaviour. If you can't get an anullment for whatever reason (id be very surpised) I'd be initiating divorce as soon as possible instead. Terrible behaviour on his part.

This also happened to someone I know. She physically left him and took the kids with her, but they hadn't divorced. He went through with his transition and lived what he thought was as a woman for a couple of years. He got into all sorts of situations at sex clubs and developed a drug addiction. He conitted suicide recently. Its always about sex for men ruled by their desires remember, so if he does go through with his transition and you stay as his girlie bff, you can be damn sure he will be having sex somehwere, with someone, it just wont be you.

He’s very manipulative isn’t he? Don’t listen to his self-serving sob stories. You can split and still teach your son to be a good person, they are not mutually exclusive.

Funny how kindness, understanding and tolerance is all a one way street.

It's not transphobia to not want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be who he presented as when you married him.

You are a heterosexual woman who is attracted to men and want to be married to a man.

He is a man who wants to be a woman and then live as a gay married couple.

You are attracted to and want different things. That's not transphobia.

Absolutely this.

I don’t know if you can get an annulment, but certainly you need to separate legally, which may mean divorce. I wouldn’t get hung up on annulment. Get legal advice either way before you meet. You do not want to be landed with medical bills for transition so this needs to be swift.

I am very sorry OP, but the best thing for everyone is to call time on the marriage.

He has no business accusing you of transphobia, and expecting you to stay in the marriage is extraordinarily deluded. You aren’t going to get any sense out of it so I wouldn’t google grey rock and apply it.

No time this BH weekend to read the full thread, so please forgive me if this has already been said a hundred times before, but is he gay? Has he, all these years, been a closeted gay man who thought a wife and a baby would sort him out and make him straight, only to realise that it hasn't worked? So now he wants out.

I'm a lesbian, I'm involved with the LGB Alliance and in the last couple of years I've met many, many gay men who married and had children before deciding they couldn't live a lie and leaving their wives. If he's saying he can't bear the idea of sex with a woman, is he actually telling you that he's attracted to men? Sounds like he's what might broadly be defined as an effeminate gay man who is so fucked-up about being gay that he finds it easier to pretend he's a woman trapped in a man's body. He isn't. He's a gay man who, for whatever reason, is deeply homophobic. He needs help from a psychologist/ therapist who'll encourage him to embrace his homosexuality and stop hating himself for it. You need to end the relationship and focus on a new life with your child, otherwise his needs and psychological problems will engulf you.

He's been really dishonest with you, OP. Annul, divorce — whatever you do, get rid of him. You are not the first woman to be caught out by this. My best friend, in the 90s, got involved with a man she was crazy about who first decided he was trans and then, after surgery, decided he was gay. This is a film about some of the other women who've found themselves in your position:

Don’t be daft. For a marriage to be consummated, you have to have sex while married. Not before you’re married.

Euucchh - some of the comments here are truly disturbing, attributing motive to someone you don't know and whose side of the story you don't have. I think some people are using this post to unleash their latent (or perhaps not so latent) transphobia. Shame on you

My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

I'm angry on your behalf. Tell your selfish, manipulative husband to go fuck himself.

If one partner transitions, the other can annul the marriage.
The spousal consent clause gives the non transitioning partner time to leave the marriage.

OP you may have a time limit, so see a solicitor asap and tell them your partner has announced his decision to transition. You don't have to be coerced into staying, this isn't the 1950's.

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage#:~:text=you%20did%20not%20properly%20consent,transitioning%20to%20a%20different%20gender

This post is just as bonkers as your previous one.

@BrickJoker, you mentioned "til death us do part" in one of your posts? Are you suggesting that she sticks with him?! WTH?! She went into the marriage expecting to have a HUSBAND. A partner for life who would also honour the vows HE made to her. He hasn't. HE comes out with this shit 3 bloody months after saying those marriage vows to her. I don't believe for a second that he suddenly woke up last week and decided that he feels that he's a woman. If he truly felt this way, he could have behaved decently and told OP BEFORE they got married. Then she would have had the chance to decide whether to go ahead or not.

I would prepare yourself, @confusedpastythat his desperate need to continue teaching your son ‘kindness’ will fade as the fetish takes over, and it will. It relies on more and more exposure and participation and will become ever more consuming. And thank god for it. The sooner he moves on, the sooner you and your child can get away from the gaslighting and manipulation. He wants to stay married for the cash. Boobs and drugs are big bucks, and the fetish will require them.

Don’t let his mum guilt you. She is right, it’s not her problem but frankly it’s not yours either. No wonder she wants you to deal with it! He needs to go live as his ‘true self’ at his own expense without female support humans pandering. Try not to meet with him, get someone else to facilitate contact if you can. He’s already screeching transphobia (they all do) because his wife of 12 weeks isn’t falling into line. It will be emotional blackmail, abuse and threats as soon as you dissent from his world view.

I know that sounds harsh and I don’t care. Protect yourself and your son, and don’t hide it for him, either. Get the support you need - suggest finding your local WRN group too - they are a great bunch of lasses and will be full of resources and emotional support. I don’t know where you are but my surrounding counties are filled with incredible women who will rally for you.

You've exhausted accusations of bigotry to the point where most of us us no longer GAF.

OP married a man, 12 weeks after the wedding he suddenly discovers "lady feels" and is now trying to manipulate the OP into a supporting role in his fetish. He's a selfish misogynist. HTH

Your latest update has made me really cross on your behalf. How dare he try to manipulate you with the “be kind” card. There is a reason transitioning is a reason for annulment and it isn’t transphobia, it is that they aren’t the person you married.

Find your inner anger OP, tell people so they can support you. Though as you have seen on here some think a women’s duty is solely to be the support of a man so choose carefully about who you tell. Stick to the deception element.

You will get through this and come out stronger than ever.

Get an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday and only meet up to discuss this with him if YOU want to. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

It gets worse! What a manipulative gob shite!

As others have said not wanting to be tricked into being a lesbian wife to a bepenised other when you signed up to a heterosexual marriage is not transphobic. It is however, about having self respect and personal boundaries. He lied and tried to trick you!

You do not need to wait to get his agreement or permission to get this sham of a marriage annulled. I’d be spending the next couple of days getting my ducks in row, completing paperwork. Then I’d present it as a non negotiable, and work on a co parenting agreement which protects your child, and your boundaries.

What an utter prick!

There’s no “technically”, it’s a fact. There’s been NO sex post marriage - that’s what counts.

Agree with this.

id be raging! How dare he lie and cheat and trap @confusedpasty

this is calculated and manipulative.

@confusedpasty im so sorry for this to be happening to you. It’s appalling.

as others have said, stop listening to him, he’s not going to want the best for you or his child, only for him.

youre young and have the whole of your life ahead of you. You have time to rebuild your life and make a new future

my thoughts are with you

I am so cross on your behalf OP. I can't believe he is calling you transphobic because you are not rolling over and accepting without question that you are suddenly married to a trans identified man instead of a man. It's such a huge difference, it feels like he has deceived you. Do NOT let him make you feel guilty. Please prioritise what is best for you and your child. Get legal advice. Keep your head up. I wish you all the best

Any thoughts for the actual woman who's had the rug pulled out from under her? Or only fir the man?

Shame on you.

@confusedpasty make sure you are screenshotting all these conversations from now on - you never know what you will need in the future.

I’m so sorry OP. Please don’t feel guilted/bullied by comments about ‘transphobia’ from your husband or others. These are people who see women in your situation (and women more generally) as existing only as emotional support humans, whose role is to support and affirm the transitioner whilst sacrificing their own wants and needs. You have every right to feel as you do.

Too late: we're back to biological reality. The trans bubble that for a time provided a veil of respectability for men's rights activism and narcissism has burst. Your gaslighting accusations of transphobia is just a background bleating noise. It's over. Biology and reality aren't transphobic. Reality has prevailed.

How dare he weaponise the accusation of transphobia against you. How effing dare he. I suspect he has consumed a LOT online that you don’t know about, and is being egged on by an ideology that sees you and your son as nothing more than supporting humans and collateral damage in his quest to be his authentic bravery and stunning true self. Grab your son and run for the hills is my advice. Get as far away as you can from this person.

Just be ready for him to throw everything at you on Wednesday. Emotional blackmail, manipulation, tears #bekiind, transphobia, 'but think of the children' - the lot. And if that doesn't work, he'll start turning nasty and spiteful.

The feeling you have now - being deceived and wanting out asap - is not only valid, it's how 99% of people on this thread feel on your behalf.

Do not let him pressure you into staying in this lie of a marriage that will not fulfill your needs, but serves him very well

Cover of 'tradition' when he needs/wants it
Freedom to be his 'authentic, stunning self' when he fancies it
Unlimited access to his DS,
The ability to write the narrative around this lie
A sex life that will end up looking like God knows what
Access to your pension
Shared domestic load.

No thank you. Stand firm OP. Do not be manipulated into thinking you are being in any way unkind or unreasonable - and definitely not Transphobic.

I have been on MN for 20 years. I am rarely actually 'angry on anyone's behalf'. I am today.