Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Yep - and being married to a “woman” when she’s not a lesbian is probably NOT the best for her.

And a marriage without sex? When she’s clearly wanting this? How on earth is that positive? I would not stay in a marriage without sex (providing both parties were capable of course).

I'd also be interested as to whether he can give a single example of anything that makes him a woman and not a man. He won't be honest enough to answer even though that's literally the thinking underpinning his decision.

You can see how it's starting already. Can you leave with the minimum interaction with him? just nod and mmm-hmmm and get on with it, if he's not interested in having any honesty?

What utter deceit. Can’t comment in an expert way in annulment but not having had sex was my understanding simple that the marriage has not been consummated.

Don’t be suckered into any of his “needs”. He has totally mislead you as to who he is and what he wants. This only means a life of sadness and certainly not a marriage as to what you thought

Tough shit what he wants. Get an annulment and leave him. Absolutely disgrace that he married you knowing that’s what he feels.

Kindness? Was it kind of him to deceive you, or to suggest that you and your child spend the rest of your lives indulging his delusions? You must be heartbroken, I m so sorry you're going through this .

Can you find a way to record the conversation?

It may be worth finding out what's required to 'evidence' the transitioning aspect of an annulment, as the two reasons you will use are almost 'he said / she said'?

Especially as he has said he will 'contest' the annulment.

Avoiding divorce will protect your pension.

Surely he went into the marriage knowing that you're a straight woman, so he's hardly accepting that, is he?

If he was "kind and accepting" he'd let you be the straight woman you truly are. But he's not, he's saying you have to stay in the marriage and be something you're not.

Please do take that on board.

I'd be cautious about leaving the son alone with the husband and mother-in-law, at least at this point.

I agree about not meeting the husband alone, if possible.

Transitioning is grounds for annulment, so keep his messages and see a solicitor. His transitioning does not affect his status as the father of your child.

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage#:~:text=you%20did%20not%20properly%20consent,transitioning%20to%20a%20different%20gender

Not that op wants any of it but how could it be a lesbian relationship as the husband will still have a penis and putting on a dress and a bit of lipstick won't change that.
I wouldn't cover for him I'd be inclined to tell his mum why he's not in the family home.

Your "DH" and his flying monkey MIL are being absolutely disgusting towards you. How bloody dare they?! This isn't just some mild disagreement....he has completely deceived you, gaslit you and then - after being married (under complete false pretences no less) - pulled the damned rug from beneath the world/your life as you knew it. WTF was he expecting you to do? Crack out the Bollinger and fireworks, and congratulate him for "finding his true self", whilst you two go off in the sunset, doing girlie shopping trips together for his fucking Jimmy Choo's?! Well, he can fuck right off with that one!

He sounds just like my lovely friend's ex. They'd been together for years, had DC together, bought a house, were engaged and had planned a life. He then dropped a bombshell on her: came out the closet so to speak as a someone who liked/practised polygamy (and had been doing this the entirety of their relationship), and wasn't it a jolly good thing that he came out the closet...as then he could be his real self? Crock of total shit...bloody bastard had made her live a complete lie for years....and then 'fessed up to her fully expecting that she'd go along with it and have numerous partners of his stay with them and be one fucking happy family with her and the kids. Bloody bastard male entitlement makes me sick.

How dare he pull the fucking "transphobic" card on you?! There's absolutely nothing that is transphobic about your feelings! I'm a heterosexual woman: aside from platonic friendship, I have no wish to have a relationship with a trans person, or a lesbian woman. I have nothing against them, but I don't want to date or marry them (NB I don't want to date/marry anyone, but that's beside the point). It doesn't make me transphobic or homophobic. Get legal advice and do what is right for YOU.

I'm not certain that it's safe for the OP to allow her soon to be former husband over the threshold of the house.

Better to meet where there are other people.

Your husband is being incredibly selfish and manipulative. Rejecting a relationship with him because he has decided to identify as a woman is not transphobic, it’s you exercising your right to choose who you have relationships with and what they look like. Forcing yourself to be in a relationship to meet your husband’s needs would be a far worse example to set a child. Can you limit your communication with him to once a day for now so he isn’t taking up your head space throughout the day?

More manipulation this morning then. Dont be alone with him.

I can't understand why he thinks that being married to a person who wants to be a woman is a real marriage for you?

An anullment would mean that you were never considered to have been married so I don't know where that would leave you as regards division of property and child support. You really do need a good solicitor, ideally with experience in this particular aspect, but I think divorce would be better from your point of view.
It's very sad that he isn't even thinking of your point of view, it isn't a real marriage.

He isnt bothered about it being s real marriage for her. It is all about him.

It sounds like annulment is the right option for you. He will have trouble fighting it as the marriage is voidable in England/Wales on the basis of Gender Recognition Issues, Fraud or misrepresentation, and non consummation of the marriage. It would seem that an annulment protects you more from him trying to make any claim on you. Good luck

He's not safe.

I'm actually thinking that any meeting should take place at a solicitor's office. As a PP has said, it's not safe to leave the child at the MIL's - I'd be looking for a creche or a babysitter/child minder for the day.

It's the dishonesty and betrayal that's one of the biggest issues here, not the lack of sex.

As for there being no rush, I don't think OP should wait too long. If she stays in this marriage much longer she's in danger of getting sucked deeper into an awful situation that will be harder to get out of. Her husband is manipulative and the longer she stays in the marriage, the more chance there is that he will end up controlling her and shaming her into accepting this situation, against her better judgement.

Sending you strength to get through this. Life as you know it has been ripped from you by these revelations.

It is easy for us to say anul your marriage and refuse to meet him as we have no emotional ties to this person as life partner or father of your child.

Know that you have the right to put yourself first and make the best decision you can for yourself and your child. Don't be emotionally swayed to put your own happiness secondary to his needs.

I wish you could tell some who truly cares about you so they can help you handle this. You have the support of hundreds of women here but a friend telling you that your reaction and feelings are valid and you have been deceived might empower you.

Personally I wouldn't meet him, he is trying to wear you down with the crying and accusations and that will be much harder face to face as you love or loved him and won't want to see him hurting.

OP you don't need his agreement to an Annulment.

He is an absolutely selfish bastard, it's not transphobic to not want to be in a relationship with TW. He has not being kind to you. Get legal advice but by the sound of it an annulment would be best for you as you wouldn't have to share your pension. You are not his emotional support person, put yourself first and he can get his support elsewhere.

This^

Manipulative prick. You don’t have to accept being his handmaiden as per PP above. Fuck that shit.

JFC.