Page 17 | Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

confusedpasty · 2025-05-24T18:09:54+00:00

Hi everyone, I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding. Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding. Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great. Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self? Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this. I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 25/05/2025 09:54

What a shit! He wants you to

Be his other half of this "lesbian" marriage, because of course he's a transbian 🙄

Be his emotional support animal so he can dump all his shit on you, but expect you to stand back and smile beatifically while everyone else tells him how stunning and brave he is.

Take him on "girlie" shopping trips for all his new wardrobe (including underwear), and probably expect you to stay quiet while you slowly realise in horror that he's either trying to dress like a porn star, or trying to look like you.

And if you insist on a break, he wants a divorce because he wants half your pension and stuff.

Just grey rock. Don't even engage. Go straight for annulment as fast as you possibly can and don't even tell him you're doing it.

No idea if his mum knows what's actually happening here but if she does, she likely doesn't want it happening in her house (so dumping him back on you suits her just fine!)

kimbear87 · 25/05/2025 09:55

I’m sorry to hear this.

Zita60 · 25/05/2025 09:56

Whatever4321 · 25/05/2025 09:51

They are "often controlling narcissists"? Do you have a source for that?

"Seventy- three patients requesting sex reassignment surgery (SRS) were recruited for this crosssectional study ... The frequency of personality disorders was 81.4%. The most frequent personality disorder was narcissistic personality disorder (57.1%)"

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4301205/

The frequency of personality disorders in patients with gender identity disorder - PMC

Background: Co-morbid psychiatric disorders affect prognosis, psychosocial adjustment and post-surgery satisfaction in patients with gender identity disorder. In this paper, we assessed the frequency of personality disorders in Iranian GID patients. .....

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4301205/

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/05/2025 09:57

You have two grounds to annul the marriage which I would do quickly. He has lied to you to get you over the line. Be careful that he doesn’t trick you into having sex before you initiate the annulment.

Original poster

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

OP posts:

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 25/05/2025 10:01

Seriously, screw his crap. Not wanting to be married to a trans woman (who lied to you and married you under false circumstances) is not transphobia.

PhilomenaPunk · 25/05/2025 10:02

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

What an absolute bastard. Next time he says shit like that you should counter it with you are teaching your child not to accept being deceived, manipulated and played by someone who is supposed to love you. Not to mention teaching your child that their feelings, wishes and boundaries are just as important as anyone else’s. Do not spend your life being collateral damage for this man OP. You only get one life.

Memoryhole · 25/05/2025 10:02

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

Tell him to go do one and to stick his gaslighting comments about transphobia where the sun doesn’t shine.

the most important things you can teach your son is that you love him and that honestly is the bedrock of any loving relationship.

you and your son are worth much, much more.

PawsAndTails · 25/05/2025 10:03

That's emotional blackmail OP. It's not transphobia to not want to be married to a transwoman. I would never want to be married to a woman because I'm not that way interested, but that's not homophobia.

thirdfiddle · 25/05/2025 10:03

Manipulative, selfish bastard. He's not going to give up his domestic help lightly I'm afraid, he's not going to agree you will have to stick to your own guns.

It would be transphobia if you stayed married to him because that would suggest he was still a man and you aren't attracted to women.

GabriellaMontez · 25/05/2025 10:04

Wow. He has staged an enormous deception to engineer your marriage.

I could never trust him again. Everything is based on a lie. I think you have several grounds for annulment.

As for teaching your son kindness!!! He wasn't worried about kindness when he scammed you into a marriage was he!!

Zita60 · 25/05/2025 10:04

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life.

Your husband has been hugely dishonest. Is that what he thinks your son should be taught?

Your wish to leave the marriage is not transphobia, and it's manipulative of your husband to try to frame it like that.

I wish you well in the coming days.

Jamum12 · 25/05/2025 10:05

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

He's unbelievably manipulative.

Kindness and acceptance does NOT mean that you have to stay in a relationship with someone who has betrayed you, or that you have to stay in any relationship at all that you do not want to be in.

And your husband is showing a complete lack of kindness and acceptance to you, by trying to guilt and shame you into doing something you don't want to do.

Also there is NOTHING transphobic about ending a marriage with a partner who becomes trans. How dare he.

theilltemperedqueenofspacetime · 25/05/2025 10:06

I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life.

I'm so sorry that your partner concealed from you the fact that he is an utter arsehole.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 25/05/2025 10:06

It's not op, you love him but it's a genuine reason for annulment, and completely unreasonable to expect you to do otherwise. Send him the guidance. What does his Mum make of all this?

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 25/05/2025 10:07

I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life.

What an absolute shit! Emotional blackmailing bastard! Don't just hope he agrees on annulment, just bloody do it for goodness sake woman! How DARE he!!

Solicitors, tomorrow, or he will drag this out till kingdom come, and paint you as the nasty transphobic uncaring bitch to anyone who will listen. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about himself and how he's going to come out of this mess smelling like fucking roses.

Kucinghitam · 25/05/2025 10:08

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

Wow OP, he's basically telling you that you are a bigot if you don't roll over and service his desires. And he's co-opting your child into this.

He's all about ME ME ME and doesn't even give a shit about his child.

MrsKeats · 25/05/2025 10:09

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

That’s the most awful emotional blackmail.
What a piece of work.

CRCGran · 25/05/2025 10:09

He's accuses you of teaching your son 'transphobia" but seems to be OK with teaching him lying, deceiving and trapping you into a non marriage!!! Please please prioritise your and your son's wishes and feelings above all else. Do not be gaslit into going along with his blackmail. And as I'm not entirely heartless I do get that he's confused and it's difficult for him, but those are his issues to deal with. And if he's a decent human being he'll go and deal with them on his own and cause you as little stress, anguish and embarrassment as possible. He's seriously deluded to think you should continue in this "marriage".

Goalie55 · 25/05/2025 10:09

should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life.

this stands out massively. Basically do what I want and support me regardless because it’s ‘kind’. Run. You need to shut this down asap. Clearly he wants you on board gaslighting your child too.

i imagine he hasn’t told his mum the full story or she just wants to pass it back to you to manage. He needs to find somewhere else to live then. Not your problem.

Strawberriesforever · 25/05/2025 10:10

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

It’s not transphobic to have no sexual interest in a transwoman or transman as a heterosexual women. Just like it’s not homophobic for you to have no sexual interest in gay men or lesbian women. And it’s not unreasonable for you to seek to annul or end a marriage where sex is not going to be feature.
He says he has no desire to have sex as a man. That’s fine, that’s his preference, no one should try to force him into unwanted or unsatisfying sex. You have no desire to have sex with a man role playing a woman/ a man who strongly believes he is actually a woman. It doesn’t work for you. Again, that’s fine, and anyone trying to convince you otherwise is coercing you.
He’s just going to have to fine someone else to lean on for his emotional support during this period. Just like you can’t lean on him for support for yourself because he is obviously not capable of understanding or empathizing with you at the moment.
Prep for your meeting with questions/ problems and suggestions for how you’re going to coparent. Tell him in advance you are not willing to discuss continuing the marriage because you are simply not willing to continue the marriage. If he insists, walk out of the meeting, email him your list of coparenting suggestions and suggest meeting/calling in another week to discuss your child/ any other legal stuff relating to splitting up.

potpourree · 25/05/2025 10:10

If you tell him you're not transphobic, would he believe you or decide for you that you are?

There's your answer for how open-minded he is and how much he cares about you as a person.

Stepfordian · 25/05/2025 10:11

I don’t think you should be alone with him, can you drop your son at his mums so he can see him there or have one of your parents with you while he is there?

It sounds like he wants to convince you to stay in the marriage, and is willing to threaten you with accusations of ‘transphobia’ if you won’t, you don’t want to so there is no conversation to have, tell him to wait for a letter from your solicitor.

wrongthinker · 25/05/2025 10:11

He sounds utterly narcissistic and selfish. He's deceived you and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying married. Horrendous. I hope it's easy enough to extricate yourself from this fraud of a marriage, OP.

GoldEagle · 25/05/2025 10:12

confusedpasty · 25/05/2025 09:57

Thank you again to everyone who has taken time to write a supportive message. My head is all over the place and I don’t feel ready to tell my friends/family for a couple of days maybe, I don’t know, I’ll see how I feel later. It helps to get it all out somewhere.
My husband has been in touch this morning in tears again begging me not to end our marriage and says that I should be teaching our son kindness and to be accepting, not embedding transphobia from the beginning of his life. His words not mine. What a mess, can’t see how that is transphobia whatsoever.

He is going to stay at his mum’s for now. We are going to meet up on Wednesday so he can see son and when he is in bed, to discuss the options. I really hope he will agree annulment is the best way forward. It is so hurtful to even consider but I cannot see any other way forward. Hopefully I can get some proper legal advice before then.

I forgot to mention in a previous post that these men has got gaslighting down to a fine art. Don't fall for his bullshit.