Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

That doesn't seem very appropriate. It's not a cutted up pear.

I’d block her, she’s a distraction.

I would’ve divorced my dh if he’d said he was trans as well.

I would message her back saying something like I am sorry but it turns out your son lied to me to marry him and has now decided he is a woman and wants us to be in a lesbian relationship. I did not sign up for that and our marriage vows were as man and wife. If you cannot have him/her living with you I suggest you tell them to find a rental as he is not coming back here and our sham of a marriage is over

And I think the principle of the thing is important too. An annulment in this instance would make it clear that the OP had been deceived and the marriage was a non starter from the beginning, whereas a divorce usually indicates that a marriage broke down. In my eyes an annulment says a marriage never really started.

I don't think it was Mumsnet who posted the OP, it was ripx4nutmeg

His mum, who is meant to love him unconditionally, doesn't want to support him but she expects you to. She's his mum and will have his back. She's not on your side.

I'd text her back..

Our relationship is over and I will be filing for an annulment. I am not prepared to continue this relationship under any circumstances. If he comes back here he will be making our child's home a tense and hostile living environment. I would like to end the relationship with the least amount of damage and trauma to our child. I think it's best for EXH to stay away at this time. I am happy to arrange a mutually agreeable time for him to have contact with our son. However, moving forward our relationship is not up for discussions.

OP , get an Annulment asap and get on with your life . This person you married has scammed you into thinking they are a heterosexual male.
You don't owe them the time of day .

As others have said, Trans Widows Voices and Trans WIdows both have websites that may help you decide how to move forward. I have been following the transgender debate for at least 8 years now and my view is that most men who want to transition to women are autogynephiles. I do know a man who transitioned in middle age, they are German friends and it was a huge shock to us all. The last time I saw them at Christmas, Bettina his poor wife was becoming more and more conflicted as her husband has had all his records, passport, birth certificate etc changed to his new name. She said it feels like the last 30 years of their marriage has been wiped out and her old husband Chris is gone. My view after reading lots of these stories of males who transition is that they become utterly self absorbed. You do what is best for you and your child.

Bit late to this but totally support you annulling OP. I’ve never understood why anyone has an issue with a marriage ending when one person transitions - of course the couple should stay together if they both actively want to, but if you married a man and you’re now expected to think of him as a woman, that’s not what you agreed to (and vice versa) so of course it’s reasonable to end it. I’m straight so I don’t want to be married to a woman - why is that a problem?

I know the real answer is because these men are often controlling narcissists who want everything to revolve around them. But the fact is they don’t have a leg to stand on. If you don’t act as if they’ve changed sex, that’s transphobic and misgendering. If you do, well it’s reasonable that the terms of the marriage are no longer what you agreed to.

Hope you managed to get some rest @confusedpasty. I wonder if he’s told his mum why you’ve “fallen out” I’d be minded to tell her that her son coming out as trans and expected you to support him through a transition and live in a gay marriage was too much of a shock and you can’t have him in the house as you feel scared may make her get back in her box with shock, at least for a while, to allow you to get your ducks in a row. Take care and we’re here if you need us- I believe there is a trans widows thread that might be worth looking up.

Exactly right. None.

@confusedpasty im so sorry this is happening you. Do not let him move back in. This is time for you to sort your head out at home for you and your child - not for dealing with more of his pity party. He can stay with his bloody mother (can’t believe she wants to offload him as he is sad!!). There’s great advice elsewhere but good luck with the annulment/divorce. Get to a lawyer tomorrow and decide on how to proceed. And tell your family and friends as you need their support. Maybe take a few days off work too so you can get over the shock. Sending hugs.

There's no such thing as a man transitioning to a woman - it's medically IMPOSSIBLE.

You can't identify as something you're not - that's just a lie

He has been brainwashed

You're not a lesbian, so how on earth does this twerp think you'll be staying together? I mean, most men are selfish, but this takes things to a new level - he wants you to be his support human, and throw yourself under the bus in the process.

I was watching 90 day fiance the other day, and there was a gay couple (men), but one of the men now says he's transitioning. All he has done is put on a dress, that's literally it, so what on earth does he mean? Quelle surprise his gay partner doesn't fancy him any more, because now he wears women's clothes. Shit show all round.

Get the annullment and don't look back. Also, do not allow him to manipulate you, I have a feeling he's going to try. What a toss pot.

run for the hills and protect your son-soon this 'husband' will be wanting yr child to call him Mummy......he will blow a fortune on clothes and make up & could rack up debt quickly. I would strongly advise protecting your own mental health at this time.

Yes, you've been scammed and this is breach of contract. And that is what marriage is, it is a contract. He has known all along that he is not a straight man, but he wanted the spouse, house, car, and kids and you are the person he manipulated to get them.

Ignore that individual below who has called you selfish etc. That is clearly a man or someone with trans skin in the game and they are projecting onto you.

I see so many women in my small city enabling middle age men in their autogynephilia. They are always out at night dressed up in identical clothing, hair and makeup to the middle age women they are with, clearly using them as their muses. I have to stop myself from going up to them and say why the hell are you enabling him, have some self respect.

Please don't be one of these women. Honestly, It is not the trans I have an issue with. It is the lying, the manipulation, and the using of women to build a life with, and then want them to support them in their fetish.

Tell him you love him, but this is not what your signed up for, and he is not stealing your mental health and any more of your years. Tell him you are happy to set him free to go do what he likes. No anger, no screaming, you wont stand in his transition way, but you are not enabling it. You can be friends and coparents, but as far as you are concerned it is over and you are moving on.

They've only discussed it once. His initial reaction to the annulment idea may not hold. This is a desperate and miserable individual whose carefully constructed identity had just fallen apart. If divorce proceedings are initiated it will force his hand, so it's not really important. A divorce can be cheaper than an annulment anyway.

Has he actually told her what the hell he’s doing? I would tell her he’s not welcome back he’s been lying to you for months and she can deal with her son or he can find somewhere else to live! I’d say he’s not my problem anymore.

Regardless of any feelings about trans issues, I think you are quite right to ask for an annulment.
You had a very conventional MF relationship with a DC. You entered into marriage thinking this would continue on that same basis. Unfortunately DH did not do that, he enterered into it knowing, at best, he had conflicting feelings and, at worst, deliberately waiting to tell you until after the wedding that he wants to be a woman.
So even if you were supprtive of his desire to be a woman. You are not a lesbian. You didnt want to be in a F F relationship and so if he does want to transition then he's expecting you to change too. Which isn't fair.
Of course, you may not be supportive of his desire and that's also fine too.

Either way this marriage is based on a lie and an annulment seems a very sensible way out

He. He. He. He is a man.

confusedpasty

I have been paying in to my pension for 18 years and he has been self employed and very sporadic and has only reliably paid in for the past 5 years or so

Financially you will be almost certainly better off with an annulment than divorce and you owe him nothing, he got you to marry him by deception and you need to put yourself and your child first.

I’ve read enough on the transwidows threads on this board and elsewhere to know it is very likely he will now damage his employability and spend a lot of money on his new obsession of clothes and make-up.

I agree. I’d text back saying I don’t want someone in my house pretending to be something that they’re not. He clearly hasn’t told her

They are "often controlling narcissists"? Do you have a source for that?

Nailed it. Highlights the utter nonsense of all this gender identify bollocks.

Better for worse doesn't include you presenting to the world as gay yourself and married to a woman if that's not who you are and what you want to do.

He deceived you ... and yes, quite possibly himself ... and now wants you to give up who you are to support who he is.

I couldn't do that and would file for an annulment on those grounds.

Are you actually joking? It’s the most narcissistic ideology ever invented!