Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Government website says ‘in the process of’. Taking the decision to start is part of the process.

In reality in the cold light of day he’ll want out asap anyway.

Even the Catholic Church would not deem this a marriage that requires ‘till death do us part’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can't imagine also why didn't he say something BEFORE not after. So crazy on his part.

I strongly suspect it was so that he could trap her into a legal situation that is more difficult for her to get out of. That is monstrously selfish.

I see I see sorry. I thought it was a justification thing. Read wrong and triggered my ahhh response. Apologies.

how she can’t be expected to manage our fall out and he should move back to sort himself out.

And here lies the problem - his mother sounds like she is not particularly supportive of her sons decision to transition (understandably) but is expecting you to sort this out. Only he can 'sort himself out'. It is no one else's responsibility to do this.

I suggest you get legal advice now so you know what your options actually are and what options are open to you.

But I would feel deceived and tricked by this revelation and also looking for an exit strategy. It is not the marriage you talked about or agreed to. For better or worse is not a valid reason to stay in a miserable and sexless marriage, especially with a child involved.

His Mum sounds as bad as he is saying she can't be expected to manage the fallout, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree has it?! No concern for how her son's bombshell has affected you or her grandchild, just doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I'm sorry you're being put through this and hope he agrees to the annulment once he realises you're not prepared to entertain this nonsense.

No worries!

Use her as a prompt for starting a text conversation with your husband - you need written proof of what he's said/done ASAP. Do it subtly and take screenshots along the way. Then file for an annulment. And tell him he needs to tell his mother too (after you've got the proof you need)

I would apply for an annulment and tell him to stay at his mums and 100% move on I’m afraid I would want no part of this and would not be supporting him.
also if I didn’t live near my parents I would move closer to my parents and family.

So basically now you've married him he can no longer control is AGP fetish or internalised homophobia.

He wants you to be part of that fetish and stick together. Next step he says he's actually a lesbian.

Go now, whilst you're young.

I feel so hurt and deceived and cannot imagine just carrying on

I think your feelings are perfectly valid. It seems to me that he has destroyed the trust in your relationship and you don't owe him anything now.

I hope you'll look at the experiences of transwidows to see what other women in your position have gone through. It rarely seems to end happily. I think your instinct to get out of this marriage, for your sake and for the sake of your child, is the right one. I wish you luck.

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

It’s literally the first reason on the list that you can get an annulment!

This person is an utter tosser. Probably has something they’ve hidden from their partner and is trying to convince themselves they’re still a good person for fucking up someone else’s life.

People love to glamourise shit like this: like oh my husband came out as gay after 25 years of marriage, I must sacrifice myself and support him and feel no pain and anger because of how sad it is for him and how hard it is for him. No. You can have sympathy as an outsider but as an insider you get to feel however you bloody want.

Like cheating - how come no one ever justifies cheating the same way? Oh poor John, he wasn’t in love with his wife and he met a woman he was attracted to and had an affair, it must’ve been so hard for him to go through this transition and to confess something he knew was going to hurt his wife! She should support him and love him as they took marriage vows! - you don’t do that do you? No everyone says John’s an arsehole and John should’ve kept it in his pants. But why? John’s just living his truth? It’s not his fault he doesn’t find his wife attractive any more and their relationship is worn to nothing. It’s not his fault he’s just being human. At least he went into the marriage with honest intentions. But John gets berated. Yet Samuel, soon to be Samantha, gets to omit to tell his life partner that he actually wants to be an entirely different person, wear different clothes, be called a different name, believes in something that is physically impossible and is fundamentally sexist as fuck, and has been lying about his likes, dislikes, and thoughts their whole relationship AND went ahead with marriage vows despite knowing he was letting her marry someone who wasn’t (psychologically) who they say they are yet HE deserves a wife who just shuts up and puts up with a big supportive smile on her face? What a bloody laugh.

John’s wife might end up eventually having a nice friendship with him and his new wife, see their adult kids down the aisle together, and let bygones be bygones, but she deserves to feel her truth during the “transition period”. And so does Samuel/Samantha’s wife. And so does the wife who found out her husband is gay. And so does the wife whose husband didn’t tell her he has a life/limiting disease. And so does any wife who finds out that she has been misled into a marriage contract.

And they don’t need to be told how to feel or how to lie down and be rolled over just to please other peoples’ truths.

If you're not sure go back to the post and read it again. Its very clear.

PP with a trans sibling here.
It took my mum probably a year to get her head around my brother's new identity.
She was very much on the for better for worse type vow thing. Then I heard a lot about love being unconditional. And there was the social embarrassment of telling friends or being told about my brother's new trans look.
It took time for her to realise that my brother's new identity meant that he did not give a shit about here. That the focus, even during unrelated events, should always be on him. Then she switched over night. I don't think he's realised yet, we stick to being supportive at a distance.
I do urge you to separate so he can do this journey not weighed down by the past. That's you being unselfish if you can frame it that way to MIL.

I'd like to point out the hypocrisy of those arguing OP should be able to stay in this marriage.

To them:

The husband has always been a lesbian woman (as gender and sexuality are innate and not a choice) but has felt the need to mask this and pretend to be a straight man all his life till now.

And yet,

The wife has always been a straight woman. (Gender and sexuality are innate and not a choice, no?). But...she's now being asked to decide to be a lesbian instead.

So for him it's still innate but for her it's miraculously now a choice? Do they think gay people could actually just decide to be straight? How very homophobic of them.

Assuming you are in the UK, there is guidance on annulment here:
https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

it is clear that consummation of marriage needs to take place after the wedding, otherwise the marriage is voidable. There is a separate basis for an annulment if a person is transitioning to a different gender.

Personally I wouldn’t hesitate in your shoes. He will always be a father to your child but you didn’t sign up to be stuck in a sexless marriage to someone who has decided they are female! If he said that when he proposed I am sure most women would have walked away.

Wow. You're a piece of work. Deceived into marriage and she has to be sympathetic and kind. My post would be deleted if I expressed my full range of feelings towards you and this pathetic bloke. Just imagine the worst name you could be called and assume I just called you it.

Block her, she’s not helping you and possibly doesn’t know the true reason for the conflict. Don’t feel like you need to be the one to tell her either. Get on the government website and start making your plans. It’s clear you can get an annulment if that what you want OP. And good luck to you and your son. https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

The marriage vows also pronounce them man and wife. He is breaking his, she can break hers

You can support him as a friend/ coparent if you wish but it's not the marriage you signed up for just 12 weeks ago! Definitely seek annulment tonprotect your pension and watch he's not after a divorce to access any joint savings to use towards funding his transition.

What a horrible situation for you OP.

I don't think anyone should have to try and stick it out with a partner who finds sex with them wrong. That could really mess with your head long term.

I'd have some sympathy in this situation if my partner was a gay man (although I'd also be cross at the deception and curious at the underlying homophobia) but really how on earth can a woman honestly come to terms with a man who is hetero but wants to fuck women as a woman? You say he's always been feminine (and personally I love a feminine man) but I'd find that level of entitlement and dismissiveness of women's reality distinctly masculine.

Don’t be ridiculous. The OP does not have to do anything to support a liar who obtained a marriage via deception. And what about all the other marriage vows that he has broken? Do not attempt to make a woman responsible for shitty male behaviour. The OP was not put on this planet to prioritise, placate and mollycoddle a liar.

OP: he has married you under false pretences in order to trap you, and he will now reveal his true colours. If you want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to him and his needs then stay married. But in your shoes I would apply for an annulment rather than a divorce out of principle. You were deceived, and you should make it abundantly clear to everybody that he married you under false pretences. And surely with the length of the marriage and the situation the division of assets would be relatively simple?

Op. I don't know if this has been mentioned upthread but Mumsnet has posted about this on Twitter. You may get some non-Mumsnetty replies because of this. You have had plenty of sensible replies and can ask for the thread to be deleted if it all gets a bit much.

He.

He's a man.

OP's husband.

The father of OP's child.

A man.

He.