DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

But not for the children. Children won't be able to understand context and subtext and the bigger picture. They won't be able to understand any of that.

As a child, all you hear is that your parent might end up dead, and it will be your fault. And that is utterly terrifying.

Looking back as an adult I can see plainly that my parent never had any intention of actually killing themselves. They were emotionally very immature, and saying these things was their way of trying to express how upset or unhappy they were. But good God, the terror of hearing your parent threaten to take their own life never, ever leaves you.

@NotOkToday1 He sounds similar to my DH. You might be interested in the support thread for partners of Neurodiverse people.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Those PPs who are dismissing this and saying that OP is making a mountain out of a molehill, I'd be interested to know if they were ever on the receiving end of similar comments for a parent when they were a young child.

As an adult you might feel confident that someone is just being over dramatic. But a child is far more likely to take those words at face value. It is so unspeakably damaging.

Well said. So would I. There are no excuses for an adult saying that to children. None whatsoever. It does not sound as though he has made any attempt to seek professional help. He has just dumped that on two children.

This has a similar vibe to my husband and we have kids of the same age and he came back grumpy and disappointed from a weekend with friends. I hope you husband is not genuinely suicidal (im assuming he is not based on your replies) I would advise counselling to unpick those feelings first.

He gets annoyed that he is not respected or listened to by the kids and starts the 'nobody listens to me' rant. Occasionally he might overreact and shout at them or threaten to put their toys in the bin.

It's all a sign of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. He has run out of strategies and he is desparately trying to regain control.

I work with children and have to practice behaviour strategies all day long. I still have to work hard with my kids to get them to listen eve with lots more tools in my toolbox to pull from.

I've suggested listening to how to talk so kids will listen. I do this often to refresh my knowledge- and because kids are constantly changing and evolving - what works one week, doesn't the next!

Role model good parenting - how do you get them doing things?

Talk about your frustrations and problem solve together and with the kids

Talk about when things haven't gone right for you

Spend time with other families - woman seem to spend more time with other families and see everyone has the same issue

Keep a united front

I know many men that struggle with discipline and children- particularly at those ages.

That is so dreadful. He doesn’t need tea snd sympathy, he needs a boot up the bum. Good grief…..

I can hear that through your words. I'm really sorry to hear how badly that affected you. I can hear that you're genuine in the affect it's had on you. I'm glad you can rationalise that the blame laid with an emotionally immature parent, rather than internalise it and blame yourself.

I do think the words and actions of parents towards children can cause a profound effect that they're not aware of, I agree.

I do think Mumsnet has a bad habit of dramatising one off outbursts as 'abuse' and I guess that was the angle I was coming from. But, yes, I can see the impact of such words now I've read your post.

My god get that man as far away from those DC as possible. That’s emotional abuse. I’d also be having a chat with the kids to explain that those kinds of words and that way of thinking is never ok etc etc. poor kids. LTB

Not ok to say to the kids.
But your response is not ok either.
Listen to him.
Dont make this about you in case you're left when he does it.
Believe me it's horrific.

Struggling or not, they are not the thoughts you burden your children with.

Sorry you’re getting a hard time on here @NotOkToday1

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to be angry that he said what he did to the children. Totally inappropriate.

First, make sure the children are okay and they are not worrying about what dad said.

Second, talk to him. Make sure kids aren’t in earshot. Don’t be pushy. Tell him gently that what he said to the children was unacceptable and things like that can really scare young kids. Ask him to be completely honest with you about how he’s been feeling recently. Then just listen to him. Don’t interrupt or interrogate, let him have the floor.

If there is something deeper then just losing his cool then hopefully you can support him through it- but he needs to acknowledge and understand that he cannot speak to the children or threaten them with suicide every again.

He is out of order. A cry for help by saying something completely inappropriate and potentially very upsetting to primary school aged children? There are many ways to cry for help and this one strikes me as selfish and manipulative. Maybe it is, and if so ask him with genuine concern, but if this is just dramatics, then he is a complete arse.

I suspect he’s feeling worse than you are realising.

I also suspect he’s probably pretty unhappy.. you sound like you’re mucking in etc but I would guess he’s quite unhappy actually. People may say these types of things as a slip of the tongue but that dues usually mean that these types of thoughts are not far from their minds. I’d tread carefully x

A 7yr old shouldn’t know it’s even possible to kill one’s self in my personal opinion! Yet here, he/she is hearing it from Daddy. Can you imagine what that little girl/boy was thinking and feeling after this was said?

This. I wonder what your husband is like when you aren’t there.

Grim comment. Likely very unpleasant man behind it.

That's such a kind thing to say @SquashedMallow , thank you. I'm really glad you could understand what I was trying to say.

I completely agree that abusive is a strong word that gets overused when people are talking about something that is simply very unkind, or selfish, or thoughtless. But I do think expressing suicidal thoughts to children justifies the term, even though the parent may have no intention for their words to be taken seriously.

But the consequence is that every time a child then sees their parent upset, they will be terrified that this is it, this is the time they are actually going to do it, they are going to kill themselves. Living with that constant fear is very, very hard for a child and as you can imagine plays havoc with their own emotional development.

It is a horrible thing to say to children. Posters don’t seem to understand the extent to which comments like this can deeply hurt children. If he is struggling then he needs to speak with OP about this as adults. Him flipping out on the kids and using suicide as a motivator to get them out the car is frankly unacceptable.

Also if he’s well enough mentally to go on a holiday with his mates he’s well enough to understand that comments like this to his children are highest inappropriate.

Curious if he's ever been assessed for ADHD? It fairly often crosses over with autism, although you couldn't receive a dual diagnosis before 2013, and all these things you mentioned are common: emotional dysregulation, general stress/feeling crap at life, taking it overly personally when things go wrong, though conversely also knee-jerk failure to take responsibility/everything is everyone else's fault, and it can be a bit of a pattern that parents with ADHD struggle with consistency and therefore find DC don't seem to consider them an authority, particularly if there is a second, more consistent parent around who is more of an authority (not being critical here because I struggle with that pattern myself).

Obviously there would be more signs and might not be the situation but just something that made me wonder.

I think I would say that he needs to go to the GP/find a therapist if he feels that way and also I would probably explain to the kids over his head that he isn't going to do that and he should never have said it, it's nothing to do with him being the worst person ever, (which is just hyperbole) it's about appropriate boundaries.

Will he go to the GP? If it really is a cry for help then he will agree to book an appointment. In the meantime I'd suggest he ring the samaritans. Or if he won't then you should start engaging with mental health services that can support you and your DC.

This.

In my experience suicidal people don’t have a go at you for not taking their threat seriously or put themselves higher in the victim hierarchy than their own children.

And as you point out his ASD will mean he is often dysregulated.

Don’t stand for it OP. He needs to go to the doctor. If he was genuinely feeling that way, he would be absolutely mortified for saying that to the kids, not trying to give a half apology that actually blames you!

I think that your DH would benefit from getting some support to better manage his autism.

You can ask for a referral to your local Autism service through your GP, but waiting lists tend to be lengthy.

Could be worth a look at private options near you if you're able to afford it.

We can never be 100% sure if a threat of suicide is a cry for help or an emotional game, but it should be taken seriously every time. Whatever the background, whatever the reason he said it, your no 1 priority must be to protect your children. Being on the receiving end of threats of suicide causes emotional damage, and it will impact the children. I say this with first hand experience. First and foremost you have to be their voice to protect them from any repetition or escalation. You can do it with kindness, support and compassion for your husband. Talk to him again, say that you hear his cry for help, that you've been thinking about it and it's not ok for him to be in such a bad place to say that, not ok for the children to hear it, and that you need to work together as a family to support him so that neither him or the children are ever in that position again. It's ok to say he needs to get some professional help, that you'll support him all the way, that you are always there for him to talk or vent to but that he can't say something like that to the kids ever again, good luck x

It’s manipulative and cruel. He doesn’t need a doctor. He’s probably got lots of these “quirks”.

Sounds to me he likes getting an emotional reaction from everyone. And not too fussy how it happens.

Heres the thing OP, if you find yourself compensating for this or ensuring that you do more to prevent this kind of thing, he’s absolutely got what he really wanted - no responsibility for the kids, and if made to, he will do stuff like this to upset them. Nasty