DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

What a nasty comment. You clearly struggle with both empathy and reading comprehension.

Her husband is not suicidal. He is threatening to kill himself as a way of punishing and controlling his family. OP is feeling low because she is living with an emotionally immature, narcissistic, and abusive man who threatens to kill himself as a way of getting out of doing ordinary childcare and chores.

FYI, I'm a real, actual human being reading these comments. Why us you 'low' in inverted comments as if I am making it up? How am I self absorbed? In what way do I not give a shit about my husband.

You sound like a vile individual.

Oh just ignore that poster op. This is your thread and you're absolutely entitled to feel low about what your H is doing.

I know your aim, @TossedSaladandScramblyEggs, was to shame OP but all you’ve done is indicate that you are likely as selfish and manipulative as OP’s husband when it comes to taking accountability for bad behaviour.

The ‘you’re just selfish’ defence to behaviour that is categorically abusive and aimed at controlling children through fear is a common tactic of the manipulative and emotionally immature.

This is my experience as well.

And I think it’s worth emphasising that even if we believe he is genuinely struggling badly with his mental health, he’s still being hugely emotionally abusive to his kids and if it continues can cause lasting damage.

Many adult struggle to this day because of harm caused to them in childhood by parents who felt their emotions and mental health were more important than their kids.

He’s not a toddler, he needs to regulate himself somewhat and not say everything that comes into his mind while in the presence of vulnerable children.

Completely agree.

'Happy as usual'

You think people who commit suicide show their family that they are sad/depressed before they do it.
Well they don't they go about as normal on a normal day follow routines until the time.

Don't let that fool you. He's telling you how he feels.
Listen to him.

Wow these people commenting are the type to say suicide is inconvenient inconsiderate weak because they could regulate themselves.
No concept of the patterns suicidal people show.
If little things like that are stressing your husband out, everything is on top of him and he's drowning please listen to him.

Agree. I had the opposite from my mother “I’d kill myself if it wasn’t for you”.

if it was a cry for help he’d have said it to an adult.

personally I think he’s being emotionally immature and manipulative, accepting that my experience is tainting my reply. I’d be saying I am listening and I’d then ring the police . Whatever it is he is not safe to be around his children unattended.

Jesus the apology to the kids is yet more messing with their heads, this isn't a healthy way to communicate with children at all. He needs to get some help for himself and a strong word about how inappropriate and damaging the things he says to the children are. Incredibly immature and manipulative.

There are a lot of MN users OP who use their own poor MH as a stick to beat the world with. Take no notice.

I think I'd find that apology just as hard to swallow as the original outburst. He's still blaming the DC instead of taking account for his own actions. It isn't their fault he's behaving this badly, and I'd strongly consider how his actions are going to affect them long term.

Well actually, people who end their lives frequently show their family that they are sad and depressed and express their intent to end their lives. There are also people who show no signs at all, of course. The vast majority of people do though.

I'm not talking about OP's husband here, but in general. It is wrong to say that people who end their lives all go about as normal.

Clinicians can predict risk factors, but we can't predict who will go on to end their life with much accuracy. Also, we try not to use the term 'commit' suicide now either.

As I said, my husband has been one step away from being hospitalised for suicidal ideation and intent. I would still be bloody annoyed if he told our children that he may as well kill himself because they didn't behave in a certain way.

You're all heart for OP's husband who may just be a common or garden manipulative arsehole but you are being vitriotic to OP which is completely uncalled for.

Well I care how low OP feels and so do a lot of other posters who have read all OP's posts and who have experience of parents who threaten to kill themselves.

Your post is horrible. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself but you seem like someone who does do shame.

No help but the words ‘kill yourself’ have disgustingly lost all meaning, teenagers say it randomly as ‘shut up’ thing now (heard it outside the school when collecting kids, lads walking by saying it and said it to sons and they said it wasn’t a big deal. I told them if they ever said anything like that they were in so much trouble as there was a suicide in the family)

Thank you.

So, an update. DH and I had a good chat today and he let me speak and explain how his apology wasn’t really ok. Like I said, he’s autistic and I sometimes do need to really explain things that should be obvious (I’m referring to the way he apologised). He said he definitely isn’t feeling suicidal and he regrets what he said to the kids.

We are going to have a think about management strategies for dealing with the kids in a more appropriate way. He’s never done anything like this before, he’s a very loving and gentle dad but sometimes cannot stand it when things aren’t done ‘properly’ or to a routine. My eldest DD is also autistic and their routines sometimes clash (last night, he told the youngest to go for a shower and eldest DD insisted that that isn’t their Monday Routine as she normally showers first). Honestly, it’s exhausting at times.

I remember when eldest was born and he suffered with depression for a period of time. I remember the signs and I don’t believe he’s showing them currently.

thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it.

That doesn’t sound remotely resolved, and if I am honest op I think you are ducking out of facing facts. He isn’t equipped to be a good parent, he doesn’t seem to have very much accountability if he is doing so little to gain outside support and help.

Your dc deserve to have a safe and healthy childhood. Not parents that minimise and ignore abuse because it suits them.

OP I think it’s important to keep an eye on this. Autistic people do face a higher risk for suicide. The situation may indicate his needs are not being met.

I understand how difficult it is when the family all have additional needs and these sometimes clash. And then there’s your needs as well which may well get consistently deprioritised, which is not okay either.

Could you maybe both read a book like Sibling Rivalry and try to work on bickering. Or ask him to attend a parenting course, if he feels his parenting is not effective and he’s not listened to? Or does he need ear plugs if it’s the noise that’s bothering him?

Maybe ask him to take a day off during the school week if he needs to decompress from parenting?

OP, when you said it was a weekend away with mates and was more costly to him, my mind instantly went to a drug bender and that he was experiencing a bad comedown. I could always tell when an acquaintance had been on the bag, she would be a nightmare to be around come midweek; snappy, rude, miserable and feeling like the world was closing in.

Absolutely 💯

Nah, he has a geeky hobby which involves serious, quiet games played at tables. He sent me photos throughout. They're not a rowdy bunch, they had a meal out and drinks in a bar. The extra costs were that his mate booked the hotel for 2 nights but DH had thought it was just one. The food in the nearest cafe to the venue wasn't cheap. We have a joint account so I can see what he means. We aren't talking loads of money here. If anything he was really tired.
Other than 1 or 2 weekends a year each, we mostly spend our time together. We have pretty quiet hobbies and he isn't into drugs.

OP will he seek therapy for autism in terms of learning how to better self regulate? Particularly when the children do not do things in a specific way? Otherwise this problem will come up again and again and I don’t think it’s really the children’s job to modify their behavior (ie become compliant) to lower his anxiety? He needs to learn how to deal with his anxiety himself. The teenager years will be much more difficult, as children especially need to individuate then.