DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

They’d feel shit, which is why I agreed he was out of order.

Agree they will remember this for a very long time.

Op could you take the children to stay somewhere else maybe for the time being?

It feels like either explanation is very bad, or potentially very bad.

He's either being manipulative, which is outright abuse. Men who threaten that to get their own way/attention seek are evil.

Or, he genuinely feels like killing himself because his children are acting like normal children. That's quite chilling tbh.

I grew up with a parent who threatened this kind of shit all the time when they became overwhelmed or felt disrespected. It massively impacted our entire family and I'm still hashing the personal impact out in therapy as an adult.

It might be a cry for help, but your children are not there to fix his emotional needs. What he said was entirely inappropriate and i would say emotionally manipulative and abusive even if it was true that he genuinely felt that way. The fact he's doubling down instead of actually discussing things to me is also pretty emotionally manipulative towards you as a spouse.

Obviously mental health is complex and I understand its difficult, but as people we are each responsible for ourselves. If he's in that bad a place he needs to be going to the gp and in therapy and working with op, not making his kids verbal punch bags over minor things and using it as a get out of jail free card when his wife pulls him on it.

I believe women are actually 3-4 times more likely to make attempts on their own lives but they "fail" more than men due to the methods chosen, whereas men tend to use more violent methods that have a higher success rate.

Suicide/gender paradox.

Suicidal ideation is a mental health emergency. He needs to be seen and evaluated now.

If this crisis is genuine, he can get the help he needs.

If he's using the threat of suicide to manipulate you and your children, the process should uncover that and make him unlikely to go there again if it works like it does where I am. I would leave someone who tried to manipulate my kids with suicidal threats. That's abusive.

It is not a cry for help, it’s blatant and inexcusable emotional abuse and manipulation.

He has no intention of killing himself, wise up.

You literally can’t no that, this is a total stranger and neither of us will ever actually know the outcome.

If the children mention this to their teacher this could cause an investigation into your husband's welfare. Maybe you could go to the Dr's surgery together? I hope your husband will be OK, maybe a nice weekend away in the near future. 😊

Saying he “might as well kill myself” to two little kids is so FAR AND AWAY OUT OF BOUNDS.

I was 45 when my father waited for me to leave and took his life with a gun. He knew I’d follow him. But my mum was there - and it was their wedding anniversary. I don’t really think he was thinking about that, though.

He never threatened or even mentioned anything about it - he just did it.

At ANY age, when your parent threatens or attempts or succeeds at taking their own life, it affects YOU the rest of your life.

People who threaten suicide rarely carry through.
@NotOkToday1 I’m very sorry for this unnecessary drama in your life.
Your husband probably needs counseling.

He overreacted and lost his shit. People do it. He wasn't abusive. He said something he shouldn't have said. He was in the wrong to do it. But he won't be the first or last parent to say something stupid whilst annoyed.

As the child of a parent who threatened suicide in a similar way to this when feeling emotionally unregulated, I don't have the words to express how much I disagree with this post.

Hearing a parent say these words is honestly one of the most terrifying, destabilising, damaging and abusive things it is possible to say to a child and can cause deep and long term emotional harm.

Hey OP, talk to him once everything is done after dinner. You don’t need anybody else pointing out that what he said was wholly unacceptable but I would make an appt for him with the GP and go along with him. It does sound like a cry for help and at the end of the day you know him better than anyone and as he has suffered with depression before it would help to spk to his GP with a supportive hand from you. Then maybe talk to the children together with Dad acknowledging that what he said was wrong to the children. Children do need to see & understand that we do make mistakes and when we do we do sit down & talk it through. This way the children can see that Dad is able to talk through how he felt. Communication is key between you all and more so if your OH is not as forthcoming about feelings etc. Good luck OP X

As I said, he shouldn’t have said it to his kids. Nobody has suggested it was ok to say that to his kids.

His wife’s reaction to his ‘cry for help’ is a separate matter.

What about my reaction then? The fact that I confronted him about saying that? Or that I came on here for some supportive advice? Or that I made him dinner and had a chat? Have you been here watching And seen something else?

I agree it is a poor thing to say. I couldn't imagine saying it myself. I don't think he was right to say it, of course not. But for me, it depends if it's part of a wider problem with other behaviours. One off mistakes surely do happen. The bigger picture is everything.

I didn’t say anything negative about you in that post, I was responding to someone else’s comment.

I do think making him dinner and discussing it separately is a good move, talking to him about it was what I suggested in the first place so I’m not sure why you now think I have a problem with that. I wasn’t commenting anything in relation to that in that post.

I don’t think people say that out of the blue . A cry for help ? Check he is ok

Hi OP,

It's not for you or your kids to listen to his 'cries for help' unless he is trying to help himself.

Cries for help shouldn't be used to manipulate people.

He is 100% in the wrong. He needs to acknowledge that and if he wont then he clearly needs help and will be straight to the GP tomorrow Im sure...!!

Sorry, I misunderstood. Feeling really low. His apology to the kids was feeble and he basically said along the lines of ‘sorry for saying that, I’m the worlds worst person, you made me feel so frustrated with all your arguing in the car and then messing around getting out of the car, I feel so disrespected all the time and you Both need to act better in future’. It was a shit apology.

I dont know, maybe I came from a very dramatic family but I would not take this seriously. Like, do you actually think he is suicidal? Were your kids upset, came to you saying they are worried? Or did they just laugh and ignore him?...

I would be more annoyed he is so immature and incapable of managing two small kids. How is he going to cope when they are teenagers?

I agree that is a very shit apology! His initial reaction could absolutely be breaking point in a mental health crisis, although still not ok. But that apology is literally just blaming your children for being children. Whether he is suicidal or not I don’t know, but I do know it is not your children’s fault and he knows it too. He’s wrong to reinforce his earlier outburst.

I honestly feel you all making a mountain out of mole hill. He is being a drama queen and you all playing along.

I seem to attract mentally ill men, I've had four exes tell me they've wanted to kill themselves, they're all still alive years later. All my advice to go to the sodding doctor/apply for counselling etc has been ignored though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly dont think people who loudly threaten to kill themselves actually really want to do this (unless for attention). I knew a couple of people who sadly committed suicide and they acted normal up until the last moment, no indication of them being low. And I have a friend who threatened suicide many times - still around, after almost 20 years.

There are of course still mental health issues and of course its a cry for help, but mostly its a kind of manipulation and attention seeking.

Oh God, he lost his shit for a moment. He said something he didn’t mean. I mostly mutter that sort of shit under my breath with five children, but also have been known to blow my top. Give him a break ffs. He’s only human.

Nope nope nope. He didn’t come to you, his partner, with a cry for help, he laid it on the children. That is abusive. Maybe he is struggling, he needs to get to the GP or access therapy right now and undertake never to say anything like that to the children again.