Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Thanks @BustyLaRoux 😊🥰

Hello. How’s things? I know you’ve got your DM staying. I thought that usually gave you some respite and relief but sounds like it might not be helping so much this time..??

It's a bit of a mixed bag this time, DM tries her best but ends up getting in DD's personal space a bit (she's a tween now!) so can't quite get the respite. But she does help out with other stuff, so I'm grateful for that, and it's nice to see her and have someone around who is trying to be supportive, in her own way. She loves my sanctuary room!

I've probably been a bit moany and negative on here lately, just overwhelmed I think. Yet I woke up today with this positive feeling that although I can't change H, I can change things for me and DD now, by choosing what I want to do next. Maybe it was hitting this veryblow point that made me realise this. That book I bought helped and as always you guys on here 🥰

And how are you getting on @BustyLaRoux ? How many weeks/days now? So excited for you and loving the new pink theme you got going on for your kitchen!

Morning folks and thanks for the new thread @BustyLaRoux - hope your moving preparations are progressing well and you have taken your partner off the car insurance - I was fuming on your behalf reading his latest escapade - my DH has form for not understanding the need to feed children (and me😆) at a reasonable hour - he prefers to eat late - can't understand that others may be different - sigh.

Great to hear your feeling positive this morning @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore -sounds like you're at a turning point and feeling able to move towards a better place for you and your DD.

Checking in to New Thread.
Thanks for that @BustyLaRoux.
Hope @daftasabroom is OK. Give us a quick wave if you are around 👋
Pop in daily and keep myself updated. Really rooting for you @BustyLaRoux.

Hi everyone and thank you for the new thread @BustyLaRoux
I feel like such a poor contributor here and will try to do better. I try to read everyone’s posts but rarely reply as by the time I’ve caught up with the latest, I’ve forgotten what’s happened to who!

I just want to say what a lifeline you all are. Thank you x

Get my keys on Monday! The lorry is booked for Saturday. One week!

I will enjoy getting my new insurance policy without him on it and asking for my spare key back!

He’s not enjoying being on the end of me not speaking! Usually I try and be jolly and smooth things over by moving on and making chit chat. Which he ignores or gives one word answers to. And when I eventually complain about his silent treatment and point out it’s abusive behaviour, he blames me and says he has no choice, he is just avoiding an argument as I will of course try and make him talk about our disagreement and it will descend into an argument again and he’s just trying to avoid that. And also “you know you do this” and “you have admitted you do this” (does anyone else get this? These factual proclamations that “you have admitted you do x”. When the reality is that perhaps once, when trying to make peace several years ago, you might maybe have said “ok yes, I do that sometimes”. He tends to hold onto these and wheel them out as evidence of systematic behaviours which you can’t disagree with or can’t say that maybe you did that previously but not for a long time, as “you admitted you do x”. So that’s that then. You said it once and now it’s an indisputable fact. End!).

So apparently I have admitted that I always try to revive any argument and make him talk when he doesn’t wallaby to, and the silent treatment is therefore my own fault as he is just preventing us arguing. Fine. Have some of your own silent treatment then!!

He doesn’t seem to like it much!! 😄

Tried to engage me with “so are we not speaking!?”
I said “I don’t know. You haven’t spoken to me”
DP: “that’s my point!!” (Baffling comment!)
me: “well you can speak if you want. I don’t control what comes out your mouth!”
DP: “facetious comment!!!” (Favourite thing to do: comment on my comment!!)
me: “not really. You haven’t spoken to me. If you want to speak then you can. It’s entirely up to you”.

Then a pause and he tries to ask why I’ve turned my location services off. I explain that as we won’t be living together any more we don’t need to know where each other is. Mainly I have it on so I know where my car is (although of course he rarely uses it!!!! 🤨) and I need to know when I can have it back. He calls me a liar. I don’t respond but carry on making my tea and smiling to myself.

Has sent me messages this morning (slept in separate rooms. Was lovely!) saying I’ve upset him. And he’s removed me from the family location sharing group.

I have responded with “ok”.

Quite enjoying myself!

There’s no need to respond. There’s no such thing as a poor contributor (except those people who come on sometimes and try and tell us all we should be more understanding. Haven’t had one of those for a while thankfully!).

I hope you’re Ok. (Again, no need to respond) xx

I think you should all try and be a little bit more understanding! 😂

Sorry and hello. I have heard of this thread and when I’ve got 5 minutes (when my kids are sleeping) I will try and write a little something as I’m struggling a little.

We’re having an interesting time at couples therapy. Most notably at the latest one ... I brought up that I’d asked DH what his needs were and that he’d said ‘to have a peer who doesn’t need anything from me’. He went on to say that when I’d asked him if we could have more casual physical affection, he can’t do it because I’ve said I need it (but he wasn’t doing it before anyway!).

The therapist picked up on this and said he has an interesting reaction to someone expressing their needs and can he explain a bit more about his feelings.

DH said the fact I’ve asked means it’s because he isn’t doing it and therefore it’s a complaint. There was a bit of back and forth between them. And then I explained I wasn’t after a 20 minute smoochfest, but more a hand on the leg (however brief) if sitting next to each other - or the occasional shoulder squeeze etc - I then went on to say like he does with our youngest. His reply was ‘yes but DD doesn’t need it - there’s no demand there and she’s not telling me what to do. I’m not going to give you more hugs just because you’ve said you need them. I’ll hug you if it happens to feel right’.

The therapist asked me what I was thinking and I said that as I can’t change the essence of who I am - I said that I therefore don’t know how I can respond to that, or fix things.

The therapist said that sometimes people are only together for a time. Then he moved on

I emailed him in the evening to say that I know DH can’t meet my needs, and that I realise therapy is unlikely to change things long term but the kids are my absolute priority and have GCSEs etc and I must keep their home stable for the next year or so. I also said that he’s friendly for a day or so post therapy but then deteriorates to being monosyllabic, distant and irritable. I wasn’t expecting a reply but he did reply saying he encourages me to say all this to DH and that he’ll help me if I do decide to.

I started therapy feeling absolutely terrified about what DH was going to say - all the blame and criticism I felt was coming my way as trained by his angry outbursts - and then my emotions in response. But as there hasn’t been an angry outburst, I’ve been ok.

I'm starting to feel that the therapist is seeing the DH I see. And I forget that we had about a million individual sessions with him before our first proper together session because DH wasn’t ready. So he knows everything on the table anyway, which makes me feel a bit weird.

I’ve been reading ‘Let Them’ and in the last day I suddenly feel that I’m no longer affected by DH’s moods and that dare I say it, no longer want to try to connect with him.

But then if we do decide to split but live together for a while (neither of us would want to move out - me as I would want to be here for the kids) I would find that emotionally impossible.

Plus I have no finances at all.

God, sorry that was so long.

Do you have a plan? Or is it just mentally get in the headspace of moving out at some point?

Thank you @BustyLaRoux and well done - you sound like you’re doing great guns!

Hello and welcome @Peppasparty :) - I hope you’re ok.

Welcome! It’s very tough. You wouldn’t be here otherwise.
I can’t remember when I joined. But this group has been one of the things that’s kept me going. And I hope we can offer some support to you too as and when you need it. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Sometimes it’s helpful to just put it in words but there’s no obligation to. Even reading others’ posts and relating and feeling validated is sometimes enough. (There are lots and lots of posts spanning various threads that go back years now, so plenty of material!) xx

Whoop whoop to the Let Them book @CinnamonTart finding it very helpful too 🫂 glad the counselling is helpful, maybe not in the way you thought perhaps (?) but it's helping to clarify things.

Welcome to the thread!

Great that your therapist is highlighting the traits in your DH that are making the relationship difficult.

It’s so interesting what you say about affection. My DB is the same as your DH. SIL would like affection (not sex). Just a peck or a touch. DB says he can’t. It’s forced. He can’t do forced. As you rightly point out, he wasn’t affectionate before you “demanded it” so that feels a bit of a cop out. What stopped him being affectionate before that?

My plan is to have a discussion with H as we approach the '6 months since I went to Relate and gave him another chance' in a few weeks. Basically break it to him that this is not working and if he asks why I will explain that we are not compatible, he may not mean to hurt me but I find his behaviour triggering and hurtful. That I understand he is the way he is and although he has many good points I find myself becoming distant for all the reasons previously discussed and this is no way to live. That for DD's sake I'm hoping to remain friends and if possible continue to live together but with clear boundaries and a different dynamic. He can choose if he wants that or not.

Love the update re not speaking @BustyLaRoux !! Only a week to go 🫂

My issue isn’t my partner so I hope I’m allowed but is my ASD mum. I’ve been feeling down because she just has no interest in us as a family. My kids now ask the same thing, why is she not interested in us, does she not love us. I don’t really know what to tell them. When you love someone that person generally knows it without question. She never visits, very rarely will call and she lives only 15 mins away. She is always face deep in whatever project she has decided to start and this always takes precedence over relationships. There is always another project. If we want connection we have to visit. When we do she is nice enough but she talks mostly about herself. She doesn’t want connection or should I say she just seems to expect that everything is A OK and we take off where we left off as if no time has passed, no effort and not physical connection is necessary. Kids don’t feel loved and neither do I despite what tit bits we are given. What do you say to them?

My brother is ok with this, I think he is like her and makes very little effort in his connections with family. Won’t stop working, never home with kids, we don’t see them either unless we go over and then he just talks about himself and his work. It’s starting to get on my nerves. We make all the effort with people who quite clearly wouldn’t be bothered either way.

Have you tried talking to your mum about this@Peppasparty? I recognise a lot of my own family in your description, including both my DM - who is in her 80s and I am absolutely convinced has ASD and myself. I know I am very poor at keeping in touch with people, including my own children - two of whom are adults and don't live very far away. This description really resonates "we take off where we left off as if no time has passed, no effort and not physical connection is necessary" - as that's sort of how I feel. I would be very upset if my DC were feeling like you do and would want to try and rectify it. I often think I would be better at keeping in touch if there were a routine to it. I am good at routines... I am always very happy to see my DC and often feel guilty that I haven't made the effort... time just sort of slips away. On the other hand, I think if I tried to have this sort of conversation with my DM, she would probably feel very attacked and blame others for the lack of connection - she does often complain about lack of contact from me and my siblings, despite the fact that she hardly ever initiates communication. You know your mum, how do you think she would respond if you tell her how you feel?

@NDornotND she would say you know where we are, our doors are always open. But that misses the point completely. My doors are always open also. I go because I want to see her but she very clearly doesn’t want to come and see us. How you can’t see that you actually have to make an effort for a relationship to continue I don’t understand. I’ve kind of got from this thread that relationships just aren’t that important. It’s not me it’s just they don’t prioritise them. It’s not nice to not be prioritised by your own mum ever. She makes excuses to miss big events, births, birthdays etc. The only ones she is interested in is the ones she organises herself. She comes across very selfish.

@Peppasparty Your mum sounds a bit like my DH in that he always tries to make excuses to miss events (although he would never organise one either!). I think he just finds socialising very, very taxing. I don't make excuses for that sort of thing - but I am very bad at keeping in touch, with everyone, including my DC. Then I feel lonely and it's entirely my own fault. I know, intellectually, that you need to make the effort with relationships, I just can't seem to do it....As I say, I think if it was part of my routine it would help. Not sure how that helps you with your DM, just trying to provide a perspective from someone with similar shortcomings.

perhaps I am wrong to say she doesn’t care or love me, but it does feel that way. It makes me sad to see other people with their mums helping them and taking out kids etc. She has no interest in this, it’s very clear she finds all that nonsense and would rather organise another project. Why have children if you have no interest in this type of thing? Same like why have a wife/husband if you’ve little interest in relationships for one reason or another? You don’t gave to, you can live a life with projects and hobbies instead.