DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

The irony…

Maybe he needs you to talk to him and not strangers on the internet? This post states that the poster you are replying to should be nicer to you because you might have MH issues, but you don’t seem to see the need to be nice to your husband, who is telling you he has MH issues?

I don't think he's either suicidal or a cruel father, I think he's said something really stupid in the moment.
He has suffered with depression previously, many years ago. He definitely has not seemed depressed to me recently. He has usual life stress eg work.
He went for a shower when I posted my first message so I'm going to make our dinner and have a proper chat with him when he comes down.
I really appreciate the advice that lots of you have given.

Is he prone to dramatic attention seeking outbursts, or is this a first?

Most people who commit suicide show no outward signs and often go about their business contentedly when planing their own death. He might well be an emotionally abusive wanker but with no further info than what the OP has posted I’d take him at his word and help him. His comment will have hurt his children but a dead father will hurt more.

I actually believe you, it’s not a cry for help. My DWs dad used to say that to her growing up. Whenever he didn’t get his own way. I’m sure he’s frustrated and fed up but that is traumatising- hence why I know my FIL used to say it 25years ago

Whether he's genuinely suicidal or not, he owes his children a massive apology.

Not exactly prone but he's autistic and struggles to explain his emotions sometimes. Although at other times he can be extremely emotional. We've been together since we were teenages, I know him well and I know he can often be a bit of a victim if things aren't going his way. He isn't great at acknowledging when he's in the wrong either.

I have extensive experience of and training in suicide and unfortunately men are sometimes more aggressive and angry when they're depressed, so their suicidal thoughts can come out in this way. Obviously, men need to learn to express their feelings better and it isn't women's job to put up with aggressive or manipulative behaviour. It does mean your OH could be feeling genuinely very low and needs support, however.

they forget their bag big deal thats not disrespect-sounds like he just doesnt want to look after his own kids

He's an absolute abusive cunt.

There's no excuse. None. If my dh ever said anything remotely similar to the dc he'd be out the fucking door.

Cry for help my arse.

I think you're right to let the heat die down a bit then speak to him. If he is feeling depressed/overwhelmed, he needs to find ways to manage the daily stresses of life better. And he absolutely must not say anything like that in front of the children. Their old enough to understand an apology and explanation that he sometimes says things he doesn't mean and loves them very much.

I think the stresses of children feel more acute after time away - not being listened to and the general daft behaviour feels harder to deal with somehow.

I would encourage him to go and speak to a professional - decent people don't say things like that out of nowhere.

My father was a pro at behaviour like this. A poor depressed man on the verge of suicide every time he was expected to do the basic, annoying parts of parenting and we didn’t behave like silent robots with a command switch.

Funnily enough, he’s still around 40 years later. As are the MH issues his threats caused all his children.

Maybe the ‘ugh mumsnet is full of man haters’ posters could consider that an adult man should be more able to regulate his emotions than young children should have to be forgiving poor daddy for his terrifying threats.

They may well behave next time he’s got to do school pick up but it won’t be because they respect him but because they are terrified they’ll be the cause of daddy dying.

Absolutely this. Totally unacceptable to say that to his children

Could you suggest that he makes an appointment to talk to his GP given how he's feeling?!or self refer to local talking therapies? This would help him see you are taking it seriously and a chance to reflect on whether he's really feeling that low

Not one post has been man hatey, 🤔in fact, I think all the posts upthread have been incredibly empathetic to this man.

Hmmm OP… are you sure he didn’t do drugs with said mates? A come down can cause very low mood and a tendency to feel things more strongly.

autistic you say ? Well he could be overwhelmed and at risk so need an autistic trained therapist

he had over reacted to normal kids behaviour and he us taking about them ignoring him as “disrespect “ and taking disrespect to heart

hopefully it’s all a storm in a teacup but I’d not take any risks

Yes, I am 100% sure he didn't do any drugs.

1. This is emotionally abusive to your children and is unacceptable behaviour
2. He threatened suicide and said this was a cry for help. He needs help. As his wife I would take this seriously and act on it by helping him to access professional support and also providing emotional support myself.

Would he read a parenting book? Something that will reassure him this is very normal behavior for kids in this age bracket and give sensible strategies for managing and improving it? If he has that reassurance that it’s not him personally being disrespected plus a tool box of strategies to deal with it then his frustration levels might improve.

Make him an appointment with his GP, he needs help with his anxiety and depression.

@NotOkToday1 How are the children?

I grew up with a mother who made threats to kill herself and a couple of actual attempts resulting in hospital. It affected me as an adult including having less empathy towards people like the OP's husband. There is no way he should have made the children feel responsible for his mood in this way.

I agree with responses saying that your husband needs help. If you feel he is genuinely suicidal, or just needs to talk to someone neutral, then please encourage him to call Samaritans. Wishing you and your family well.