DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

This.

There is a myth that people who talk about suicide will not go through with it, and that is a dangerous myth. A lot of people who end their lives have indeed expressed their intent and feelings before going through with it.

Of course you will get the odd person who threatens suicide as a manipulative tactic in abusive relationships.

As for OP.

I would be pissed off at my husband too. My husband has been one step away from being hospitalised for suicidal thoughts and intent recently, and he would never say what your husband did to our children, or if he did in the heat of the moment he would feel completely awful about it afterwards. You can be pissed off about what he said to them, as well as concerned about his mental health.

I know you say you don’t think he’s feeling suicidal but two friends of mine have lost their adult sons to suicide and another friends husband had a serious attempt, and nobody would ever have thought they were suicidal

But that's literally the point. People who are actively suicidal typically struggle in profound but silent desperation and despair. They do not stomp about theatening to kill themselves because their kids aren't listening to them.

How immature and it’s emotional abuse to speak like that around a child.
It will damage them if it occurs frequently.
He needs to sort his head out

In my very personal experience( I am bipolar) People who talk about killing themselves in such a way are manipulative not suicidal
literally silence is deadly

I agree, although to be fair, I'm not sure they are always being intentionally manipulative. I think people who do this often lack the emotional awareness, language and self regulation skills to express strong, upsetting feelings in a healthier way.

It's not acceptable to say that to the children, however most people who eventually take their lives do tell someone beforehand. You said he's autistic, so he is already significantly at higher risk of suicide. I would take his threat seriously and treat it as such. In my experience, this approach means that if something does happen, you don't regret not acting and maybe the help will stop a tragedy. Or the person realises that they can't make empty threats they don't mean without consequences, and they don't do it again. In any case, I take every threat seriously and refer accordingly.

As someone whose dad made similar comments to me at a young age, your husband really needs to understand how deeply hurtful those comments are. He is basically telling your children that they are not good enough for him to live for - this is coming from one of the few people in their lives that should love them unconditionally and can really impact their self-esteem and respect at such a formative age. It has taken me a lot of therapy start to unravel the impact of this sort of parental behaviour.

I agree. It would be different if he said I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have said that and then later on said to OP he was struggling and needed help.

But this attitude of him using it as an excuse to justify what he said and not acknowledging his wrong is a sign of a bad character trait.

He needs to grow up and put his children first. It’s bad enough saying something like that impulsively but now he’s doubling down.

Op, making sure the kids are ok should be your first priority and then discussing with him ways forwards including counselling but make it clear what he said was unacceptable.

No, but most people do actually tell someone beforehand. It's been a while since I did any work in this area but I think it was upwards of 90%.

I voted YABU because you didn't immediately call for an ambulance.

It's still not too late.

Then you need to see a solicitor and talk about divorce.

Do not waste any more of your life with this man and do not allow your children to be exposed to this abuse.

You need to call his bluff next time. Do not let him get away with this.

Is this a mix up of words on his part? My mum used to say 'I might as well speak to a brick wall' when I was a teen. I'm certain I've heard this kind of comment loosely said as 'I might as well be dead than trying to speak to you'.

If it isn't that, you might want to speak to him, because 'he may as well go kill himself' is different.

I don't think he should have said that whilst your children were there, but I do think you need to talk to him.

It’s clear from many on this thread that this is often done as a manipulative thing but even when it’s not it’s still harmful. So it’s a bit harsh to call OP lacking in empathy, she has empathy for her young children who may never forget their fathers words and that’s why she’s so upset!

My mum who was and still is very emotionally immature did the same to me when I was 14. I hadn’t even done anything wrong. She just had financial worries and said she was done, that was it / - she was gonna kill herself etc

I suspect she really was suicidal but it screwed my head up and she never ever apologised for the impact she had on me. It was a heavy burden to bear as I already had an absent father and no siblings living with us at that point so it was just me and her in the house.

Of course they might express it but not in the way OP's husband did, not as a threat to kids for not getting their bags out of the car. Its dramatic, idiotic and immature.

Your husband’s apology shows he is emotionally immature and incredibly selfish. He, the grown man, is still the emotional victim of your awful children who won’t ’obey’ him.

All he’s done is reinforce that they are more responsible for his emotional state than he is.

I cannot emphasise enough the damage this will do to them unless he gets help to grow the fuck up and learn to regulate his emotions like a decent parent.

Listen to the posters on here who have told you what carrying the weight of their parents emotional threats did to them. Growing up in a house where Daddy’s moods and outbursts dictate every single thing is toxic. And it won’t stop at them doing normal silly children things - once he knows they are conditioned to watch his moods and emotions he will pull the card every time he wants to feel important.

My father threatened suicide over family events where he wasn’t the centre of attention, if relatives he didn’t like because they didn’t pander to him came to visit, if his dinner wasn’t nice, if someone had ‘disrespected’ him on the street, if he just woke up in a bad mood. The last time he threatened it to me he went as far as going missing for the night as well to stop me from going to university because he wanted to go on disability and have me be his carer.

He has not done it since because I told him to please once and for all go and do it. That from the age of 6 all I had heard was how responsible I was for his well being and I was sick of it so he’d be doing me a favour. He knew then there was no power left in the threat but I am dealing with the weight of it still. And I still wish he’d done it.

But they will feel responsible because it was them he said this to. Believe me I've been there.

I can’t actually think of a worse thing to say to your kids. I’d be furious in your position, Op.

OP, my mum used to say stuff like that all the time. She'd threaten to kill herself because the dishes weren't done or she felt we were disrespecting her.

It's emotionally abusive and very cruel. It had a huge impact on me growing up and has had a long term effect on my mental health.

I would be coming down very hard on this with your husband. It's absolutely abusive to your kids.

As for posters getting all upset because a man might feel a bit sad... seriously, catch yourselves on. If he's actually struggling with his mental health then he needs to seek out support - not abuse his wife and kids.

If he's actually struggling with his mental health then he needs to seek out support - not abuse his wife and kids

Yes, this.

This is partly why mental health problems get passed down from generation to generation.

I think there may well be a genetic predisposition which no-one can help but often its behaviours and actions like that of OP’s partner which pass it down onto the next generation.

So "you made me feel like I want to kill myself?"

What a disgusting human he is to treat children that way. Bullshit is this a cry for help.

You need to protect your children from this op. It will get worse.

Yes the scenario is that he had the whole weekend with friends, he had to do a small amount with his kids, and said this disgusting thing to them. This guy is not mentally ill, he’s a twisty manipulative narcissist

I agree with you there.

I was just speaking more in general as it's a myth that I come across often.

I agree with this I am afraid op.

"feeling really low" why do you expect anyone to care that you feel "low" when you clearly don't give a shit about your partner.

You're very self absorbed.