DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

Blimey, I can't believe that the OP is being accused of a lack of empathy here and that she should check that her husband is ok, because he couldn't cope with the kids moaning and acting like kids. The OP clearly has enough sense to be able to distinguish between someone who is genuinely low and suicidal and someone who says "i might as well not be here, due to feeling ignored", especially when that person is her own husband.

I grew up with a father who used to say similar out of sheer lack of patience when we were kids. We knew that it was unlikely, nevertheless it is highly inappropriate to ever say that to a child. It is emotional abuse.

In my experience those who threaten suicide in this manner - if you don’t do this I may as well kill myself, or if you keep going on about it, I’ll kill myself - are being manipulative.

It is abuse.

However, that doesn’t mean there isn’t something wrong. Generally it’s an expression of frustration and this should be looked into. He’s not depressed, he’s fed up.

I wouldn’t worry that the suicide threat is a sign that he’s suicidal. But I absolutely would tell him that suicidal ideation is very serious and he should seek help and offer to help him. That should nip it in the bud. Let him know that if he’s feeling this way, it’s terrifying for the children because they will totally blame themselves if he died.

If he needs help because he feels suicidal then he needs to seek professional help from other adults, not emotionally abuse his children with it.

He obviously shouldn't have said that to the kids, but if he's genuinely feeling down and not just being an arsehole, he needs to see the GP and get things in motion to have an assessment. Don't just assume he can't be the one who kills himself, and bury your head in the sand. He's either an abusive arsehole, or in a really dark place. Either way, something needs to be done about it.

Completely disagree. A grown man, albeit a struggling one, should be able to protect his own children from his emotional turmoil. I might be able to take your view if he’d said this in a moment of frustration in a conversation with the OP. But it was his 7 year old. This is unacceptable. And the fact he’s not even acknowledging this is worrying and quite immature.

He needs to seek help. It is either a cry for help or he is manipulative, so either way it needs an action. This was said to me repeatedly as a child and it’s something that has stayed with me into adulthood. I’m anxious about confrontation now and think I tolerate more than I should because of this.

People are wild on here. No care for the poor kids here?! Who will be very messed up if he keeps this up.

I’ve recently had suicidal thoughts. Do you know what I have done? Thought about it late at night when everyone is in bed. Got very scared and sought help from a counselling service. Told my DH.

Do you know what I haven’t done? Told my CHILDREN that I may as well kill myself because they aren’t listening to me. As low as I may get, my god I am not using it as a tool to manipulate my children. And my instinct is to protect them no matter how I’m feeling.

So I believe that he is very wrong here and whatever reason he said it, you should demand that he seek help and never say that to your kids again.

Sounds like the weekend away was pretty shit, maybe some of his friends ‘disrespected’ him and he is playing on his mind,….I would be very slow to spend a full weekend with a bunch of friends, they would drive me insane!

It's far worse if he's truly suicidal. Imagine one of your last acts on earth is to make sure your kids feel responsible for your death. Despicable.

He must be feeling pretty hopeless if he’s saying that to young children. Yes he shouldn’t have said it, but it’s not normal behaviour and something is clearly eating away at him and affecting his mental health. Suicide is sadly becoming more common, especially in men.

That's completely unacceptable to say to children. Regardless of whatever state his mental health is at. I'm genuinely shocked that so many posters are piling on you for it, OP. I would have a serious chat telling him if he's that low he needs professional help but he can never say that to your children again. It's abusive, cruel and there is NO excuse for it.

Your update seems to suggest he is not suicidal and is functioning normally.

Therefore it is extremely abusive, and damaging.

Even if he is in dire straits psychologically he should not be speaking like this in front of your children.

I am also suggesting mental health support urgently either way. Start with an appointment with your GP.

It sounds to me that he said he might as well kill himself out of complete frustration, coupled with the hope that the kids would listen to him/respect him if they had any inkling of how upset their behaviour was making him feel.

That said, it clearly wasn’t an appropriate thing to say. But I can understand why he felt so defeated and miserable - parenting can be really difficult.

I don’t know of it’s a genuine cry for help or him being manipulative - maybe assume the former and encourage him to speak to a professional?

He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help.

This is strange. He's saying life isn't worthwhile if children are disobedient.

I understand what PPs are saying about possible underlying issues but this statement is what he spoke and what he demonstrated. I think it's worth unravelling with him, @NotOkToday1.

• He must have other reasons to appreciate being alive.
• He's met children before, he knows they aren't little robots to perform on demand.
• The children deserve a demonstration of his appreciation.

Good luck!

I’d be getting this person very far away from my children. This is not an appropriate way to speak to them and potentially very damaging. I would be supporting him but from afar.

He is being deeply immature.
You are right that a horrific thing to put on the kids.
And if he feels he actually is experiencing mental health problems what is he going to do about that? In reality rather than emotionally manipulate you and the kids?
Mental health issues are not an excuse to be abusive and telling young children you may as well kill yourself because they aren't behaving absolutely IS abusive.
I'd be livid.
Mind you it would be completely out of character for my DH so I'd also be worried..
But it sound like your dh has a tendency to be selfish, entitled and immature.
I think he dies need some professional help to deal with his emotions and to parent better. But I doubt he will engage with that...

Honestly if he doesn't address the issue I'd be thinking about leaving to protect the kids from this. It's deeply not OK to say that to kids.

Completely unacceptable to say that to the kids, it could be very damaging.

Of course, he may be struggling and he may need help. And if he does then support him to access it. But that doesn’t mean that it was ok to say what he did.

I’m with you OP. It was a careless thing for him to do. If he is genuinely struggling - it is still no excuse to project that on his young children.
I speak form experience. I have been the young child who heard these things said to me and it is very traumatising.

My mum did this to me. We were coming back from holiday and she said she was going to kill herself when we got home. Think she was drunk. I was embarrassed more than anything as people were in earshot. It's also quite scarey if it's accompanied by erratic behaviour (which is was on other occassions). I remember being sat in school thinking hmm I'm not sure if mum will be alive after school today. It gave me long term low level health anxiety. Children's brains are too young to deal with this.

To those of you saying you’d leave to get the kids away… the reality is that leaving would mean the kids would actually get more one to one time alone with him, wouldn’t they? Because they’re not just mine to decide to keep away. He would be entitled to see them.

My grandparent used to say this repeatedly to my parent as a child. It had a pretty horrendous impact on my parent which lasts to this day.

My mother used to say things like this to me. It has stayed with me until adulthood. It's abusive.

Check in on him if you're concerned he was truthful about it being a cry for help. But it still wouldn't make it ok to put that on his children.

I understand that you're worried about your children, I would be too. It's an awful thing for them to hear and you can't ignore the damage it might do.

I'm confused as to why you're not worried about your DH though? He's literally telling you he's suicidal and you're not the tiniest bit worried he might be mentally unwell?

I think he needs to see his GP. Either he needs support with depression or parenting classes.