DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

I get it, why somebody would feel like this.

This.

Threats of suicide if you don’t get your own way are manipulative. Saying it to children is wholly unacceptable. He’s a grown adult and can get medical help if he has depression. I’ve had it too and never spoken this way in front of children

Sorry, there's nothing "man hatey" about keeping manipulative, self-pitying behaviour as far as you possibly can from your children. If you don't understand this I feel sorry for your children.

He may be genuinely depressed, more likely he's a self-centred, manipulative arsehole (this is straight from the playbook for the manipulative arsehole and I know because I was married to someone who tried this for a bit).

Either way, he owes it to keep this away from your children. Get him away from them. And I'd be getting away from him too if I were you.

I would think the lack of authority around his children is trigger for a different memory of helplessness and powerlessness. It needs to be addressed. Is he able to express how he feels when he is not listened to or respected in the way he expects? He needs to talk this through with a therapist.

Book him gp appointment
Address his "cry for help"

Choose a calm moment & let him talk. Find out how he feels & express how worrying it is for you & the children when he makes those kind of statements.
Encourage him to speak to a GP that you or he find approachable.
I hope he receives your concern in a positive light.
Good luck OP.

Well, it’s either genuine or it’s a really stupid and thoughtless jump from ‘the kids aren’t doing what I want’ to ‘I may as well die’. Only you know which it’s most likely to be, OP.

i admit i read it and jumped to the latter conclusion, but that may not be correct.

I agree.

The flower of British manhood no less!
Here's hoping he never has to defend the country or go to war!!
Seriously though - he should see someone about his emotional state immediately - it is not fair on young kids.

My mum said this to me once as a child, I still remember it clear as day. She was not suicidal, she was (and still is) emotionally immature and manipulative - I struggle to maintain a relationship with her now, 30 years later. It’s definitely not ok to say this to children.

I think most kids are able to understand by these ages that occasionally their parents say stupid things they don’t mean… if this is a one off I doubt it will do any real damage.

Maybe suggest to your DH that he should chat to them and reassure them he didn’t mean it and isn’t going to kill himself. And then I guess you all need to get to the bottom of why he feels disrespected and why they don’t do as he asks. My DH sometimes pulls DC up on such minor things I feel he almost undermines himself when it comes to important things. I find DC more likely to listen to me because I’m not always nagging him - this might not be the case for you but there is will be things he can do differently to get better results.

That said, if he’s not able to accept his approach may need to change than this is a bigger problem.

Either way, one of you should reassure the kids their dad didn’t mean what he said and that it’s not their fault.

He is very emotionally immature and unregulated to say this in front of he children in a moment of exasperation. Why something like this would come out of his mouth is either because he is prone to melodrama and a complete lack of patience coupled with a victim mentality or he is seriously depressed, which is not what I feel is the case.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother who lost her temper/patience over the smallest things, and would shout things to us as children like, "I may as well be dead/You'll regret this when I'm dead, etc" As an adult looking back, it's manipulative and highly immature behavior, especially to speak this way to a child. Most adults know better or can control their emotions better.

I'd make it clear that he needs to reassure the children that he wouldn't do such a thing and that he needs to talk someone about keeping his emotions in check. If it was a flippant remark, the kids wouldn't see it that way.

Honestly I'd ask him to leave until he can communicate without saying shit like that to children. This whole 'no one respects me' bullshit is so whiny as well. It's not the Victorian era. The examples you gave of how they wind him up are so minor. He got to go on a hobby all weekend, then comes back whining at his kids and saying really bad shit and he's not even sorry. He needs to sort his shit out.

All of this.

Well he didn’t scream that at the OP but at his CHILDREN.

Do you expect primary age school children to take in the emotional work of an adult?

I think most kids are able to understand by these ages that occasionally their parents say stupid things they don’t mean… if this is a one off I doubt it will do any real damage.

The problem is that he is totally dysregulated.
His default position when children misbehave is to guilt trip them. And use fear.

He is doing that at other times too, I’m sure. Maybe it’s not as obvious but that’s his way of dealing with stress and setbacks so it will happen at other times.

I agree. My father said similar to me (he genuinely was depressed) but now I have my own kids I can’t understand why he would say that to a 7 year old child. I’ve been depressed in the past but I like to think I am mature enough not to put that onto them. I sought counselling. I think it would be good to try and be supportive to your husband as he could be genuinely in need, however it should be made clear that it’s unacceptable to make comments about feeling suicidal to kids .

Thought so.

Hope your DC are OK, that's an appalling thing for him to say to them. Really awful.

It sounds very draining for you too.

It’s really appalling to say that to the children and that should be the starting point in any conversations around this. You support him to seek help for his mental health issues but taking it out on the kids like that is crossing a line. He is responsible for sorting himself out so it doesn’t happen again.

If you read it he told his wife it was a cry for help like I said. Your question doesn’t make much sense. Obviously the children are not responsible for any of this.

Yea you need to get him to apologise to them. Daddy is sorry
Dad was tired etc
They will remember his abusing them emotionally forever though
And its your fault for not stepping in
How dare he !

I agree with this.

I think he actually did. The question is, is OP going to listen ?

Ever stopped to wonder why the suicide rate among men is so high ?

And yet their father is making them responsible for it. How will they feel if he’s late getting them from school? Maybe daddy has killed himself because I was slow getting my shoes on this morning. I can’t ask school to ring home for my or kit because I mustn’t upset daddy or he might kill himslef. Daddy would rather die because I am naughty sometimes.

If he said it in frustration then apologised later when he was calmer then it’s just about forgiveable. But he’s doubling down. Appalling behaviour.