DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

[NotOkToday1]

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

He told you it was a cry for help.
i would give him a choice. Tomorrow morning he calls his GP and gets and appointment to start getting assistance for his mental health or he packs his bags. If he chooses the later he can sort himself away from the children and you can revisit him parenting and your relationship when he is in a better place. If he gets help, you can work together to try to fix the problem, but abusing the children is a hard line he can not cross. Threatening suicide is abuse. Don’t mince words about that.

I have come across depression before, what a strange thing to assume. I wouldn't have considered my marriage shitty. Thanks.

Kids first, man babies last.

pretty shit of him but also kids don’t seem to be helping think it’s a three way apology.

him to kids
kids to him
you to him

agree a way forward and if they don’t respect him maybe consequences are needed for the behaviour instead of potentially damaging remarks

But you don’t know the symptoms, don’t give a shit your husband has told you he’s suicidal and you don’t believe him literally telling you it’s a cry for help? Quite hard to believe to be honest.

Completely unacceptable to say this in front of children.

It sounds like emotional manipulation.

If he is genuinely struggling with his mental health he should discuss it with you, not blurt things out in front of young kids.

1. if he says he needs help, talk to him. Later, when the kids aren’t there. Find out what help he needs: is it about a shared approach to parenting, or is it life stress/ feeling overwhelmed, or is it mental health? Whatever, work together to make sure he (and you!) are appropriately supported.
2. He absolutely shouldn’t have said that in front of/ to the kids. Make sure he knows that (he probably feels really guilty now) and that they know he loves them and doesn’t want to do what he said.
3. Check in with the kids. He may have said this before and, if so, you need to consider options. My DM said it to me regularly from around age 7 and it isn’t good. DF only knew about one time until recently.

I do give a shit, hence this thread. Have you considered how harsh your words are on me and wondered whether I have any mental health issues? It isn't too difficult to be nice. My concern has been that he's said this to the children.

Quite hard to believe you're so rude. He's emotionally blackmailing a mother and children.

There is no excuse for saying that to children. It's wrong, it's emotionally abusive, it could seriously mess them up.
I do think you could be wrong in saying he isn't suicidal. I have done some training around suicide and there is a misconception that people who are suicidal don't say they are. In the majority of cases they actually do say it. It is a cry for help, I'm not saying it's your job to fix him, you are right to pull him up on what he said to the children too, but don't assume that he isn't suicidal.

It's not fair that he said this to your children, however, as someone who is currently dealing with an adult child's mental health, when someone says anything about being dead needs to be taken seriously. It doesn't matter if they are currently going about their days as normal and doing things that are fun.

Yes take him at his word and off to the GP he goes . It isn’t acceptable to say things like that to children.

Dear @NotOkToday1, I have my heart in my hands writing this. I googled a related scenario today.

https://landmarkrecovery.com/how-to-handle-suicide-threats-from-an-addict/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4407682/

These were two of the helpful things that came up.

They tell me that I am absolutely right to be concerned about my 11 year old's emotional wellbeing.

Also, whatever I think in my head about the behaviour of the adult involved (my separated H) I need to respond compassionately and encourage him to seek /engage with help.

I can vent my feelings to my counsellor.

I feel like I need one more head than Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Even though there may not be a substance use disorder involved in your situation I think it's fair to say (as they do in Al-Anon family groups)
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Bollocks - it’s what manipulative men say when they’ve got nothing on their side but emotional abuse

it is an appalling thing to say to a child

id tell him if he ever pulls that shit again he sout OP

This is wild. If a man posted here because a woman said this remark, everyone would rush to query whether she was ok mentally, if she was at risk of suicide. He’d be berated for not being sensitive enough and for wasting time posting about it and not going to see if she was ok. He’d be asked if he does his share with the kids, if she’s unappreciated etc.

But this guy is a man baby? Ok then. The men-haters are out. It’s so tedious. 🙄

OP, it’s absolutely possible that he shouldn’t have said that comment (course he shouldn’t have), but that it was also a genuine slip of a mask that he’s had on. Just because he’s apparently back to normal, doesn’t mean it was nothing - many people appear content while planning their demise. Worth a chat at least.

He sounds immature and manipulative.

I grew up with a mum that used to threaten to leave and say she wished she was dead. It was horrendous for a child to hear.

I’d be telling him if he ever uses language like that in front of the children again, he can pack his bags.

No one knows on this thread whether he is genuinely suicidal or was trying to make the children feel awful for misbehaving. One thing for sure is that it is emotionally damaging for young children to hear a parent say that and he needs to know that.

if he is genuinely that low he needs to go to his GP and get some support, if he won’t do that he needs to spend some time away from the children and consider what needs to change. If he said it to be unkind to young children then you need to decide what you do next in regards to your relationship.

My dad once told me he was going to kill himself. That was a burden I lived with for years.

You have asked for opinions on an open forum, not all of them will agree with you. I think it’s harsh to decide he’s lying and just sulking when he’s clearly expressed to you how he feels, and you have indicated there is no back story of this behaviour. I can only form an opinion based on the information you have provided.

Do you not believe men can become suicidal? OP clearly indicated no back story and this is a one off. Doesn’t scream of an abusive relationship based on what OP has said.

I can't believe some posters are trying to guilt-trip you into thinking you're the one in the wrong.

You know him. He is showing no signs of depression or being suicidal. He said something stupid and manipulative to your children in a moment of frustration. He's completely in the wrong. Even if he was feeling suicidal, he shouldn't be laying that on his children.

It's v poor behaviour on his part.

As a pp said, if he genuinely feels he wants to die, he should be making a doctor's appt, but it sounds like he's just manipluative and thoughtless, and doesn't care about the impact he'll have on the children.

I left my exDH for another reason, but a contributing factor, and the day I decided enough was enough, was when he told DC he would be dead in the morning, because they didn't care enough.

Woah… posters are projecting on here hugely!

Either he’s on the verge of suicide or he’s a cruel verbally abusive man-child father. Only you can decide op. No one on here knows him but is seeing this from their own perspective. Which do you think it is op?

One thing I think everyone has so far agreed on is that he should not be saying this to his children 😞

Not all people who talk about being dead are being emotionally manipulative, not all emotionally manipulative people talk about being dead. Not all people contemplating suicide appear down all the time, some present as very happy.

BTW this thread needs a trigger warning

Bin him, he’s either manipulating you or he’s v unwell. Not your problem if you have children as he’s putting a lot on you.

I have experienced depression on and off for 19 years, and have managed to never tell children that I may as well kill myself. It's not an acceptable excuse.

Nobody said it was an excuse. I clearly said it’s not ok. Your experience doesn’t mean this man is lying about being suicidal. Sorry you are having a tough time