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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH told the children he may as well kill himself when they didn't do as asked

223 replies

NotOkToday1 · 19/05/2025 19:27

DH and I have two children, aged 11 and 7. We both work. Some days he collects the children from after school club and brings them home. Tonight, he's gotten frustrated with them for not doing as he asked (bringing their bags in out of the car, moaning about being asked to go for a shower) and he's had a massive go at them, eventually saying that nobody respects him and he may as well go kill himself.

I tried to speak to him and say that the language used is unacceptable. I'm so upset, I just don't think that primary school aged kids should have this said to them. He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help. Who puts this on young kids?

I don't believe he's genuinely feeling suicidal, I think it's something stupid he's said in a moment of frustration but I think it's an awful thing to say, especially because he doesn't see the problem.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/05/2025 19:28

He literally told you it’s a cry for help and you just don’t believe him? Have you sat down and discussed this with him other than to tell him off? Yes he shouldn’t have spoken to the kids like that, but you are either missing out a huge amount of back story, or are just totally lacking in empathy.

Mloop · 19/05/2025 19:29

It’s emotionally abusive to say that to children.

Cognacsoft · 19/05/2025 19:30

It's very immature.
Does he normally have trouble expressing himself?

I think your dh needs to work out why he jumps to this extreme remark.
And he needs to learn how to parent his dc.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 19/05/2025 19:31

Yeah that's really not ok...but is he ok? Sound like he must be feeling awful to say that to the kids.

onetrickrockingpony · 19/05/2025 19:32

Maybe you should ask him if he’s ok before immediately laying into him. Ok so it was heavy handed language with children but it sounds like he’s struggling and could do with a proper conversation.

CopperWhite · 19/05/2025 19:32

First post nails it.

TreesToday · 19/05/2025 19:32

It was not a good thing to say, but he is clearly struggling. Is this unusual for him? Is he stressed or depressed? Or is this the kind of thing he does daily?

Mightyhike · 19/05/2025 19:34

Would he go to counselling OP? I think he needs to find other ways to express his frustrations with normal kid behaviour - a good counsellor will definitely be able to help with this. And if he genuinely is feeling suicidal, then counselling would help with that too.

MarkingBad · 19/05/2025 19:35

He's being defensive, saying he isn't respected and he may as well be dead and maybe I should listen to his cry for help.

Do not ignore this. Even if he's not there yet he's telling you how he feels.

No he shouldn't have said it to the kids but sometimes it's hard to keep how you feel inside when you are giving up.

SquashedMallow · 19/05/2025 19:35

Oh don't listen to some of these man hatey responses on here. Mumsnet is the worst place to post something sensitive like this if the 'perpetrator' is male.

He overreacted and lost his shit. People do it. He wasn't abusive. He said something he shouldn't have said. He was in the wrong to do it. But he won't be the first or last parent to say something stupid whilst annoyed.

I'd a) make sure he's not harbouring frustrations so big that it's actually how he feels

B) be a little more understanding and not make a huge deal of it

C.) get him to apologise to the kids. Get them to all make a pact how 'we can all help each other make things go a little more smoothly after school so that everyone gets along '

PearlCity · 19/05/2025 19:35

I would be lacking in empathy if someone said that to my kids too.
If he can find the words to say it is a cry for help, he can find the words to ask for that help in an appropriate way.

londongirl12 · 19/05/2025 19:36

Of course he shouldn’t have said that to him, but you’ve literally written “I should listen to his cry for help”. Are you going to listen????

Pippa12 · 19/05/2025 19:36

He’s exasperated with the kids not listening to him. Lord only knows I get where he’s coming from!

It’s not an ideal thing to say but if your (100%) sure it’s a off the cuff remark, I’d tell him it’s not ideal and tell the kids to bloody well listen to their Dad when he’s talking to them like my husband would if my kids were ignoring me.

He sounds unheard.

SuperTrooper14 · 19/05/2025 19:36

Is it a cry for help or is he just being dramatic? Only you know him well enough to decide which it is, but either way if either of your DC mention what he said to a teacher or someone else at school, it could be escalated as a potential safeguarding issue. Them being around a suicidal parent who does picks up from school would be taken very seriously.

MoominUnderWater · 19/05/2025 19:36

He’s clearly told you it’s a cry for help and seems you’re still not listening. I think you need to talk to him and see what’s wrong because you’re right it’s not normal or acceptable and any parent in their right mind would know this. I know you say you don’t think he’s feeling suicidal but two friends of mine have lost their adult sons to suicide and another friends husband had a serious attempt, and nobody would ever have thought they were suicidal

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/05/2025 19:36

SquashedMallow · 19/05/2025 19:35

Oh don't listen to some of these man hatey responses on here. Mumsnet is the worst place to post something sensitive like this if the 'perpetrator' is male.

He overreacted and lost his shit. People do it. He wasn't abusive. He said something he shouldn't have said. He was in the wrong to do it. But he won't be the first or last parent to say something stupid whilst annoyed.

I'd a) make sure he's not harbouring frustrations so big that it's actually how he feels

B) be a little more understanding and not make a huge deal of it

C.) get him to apologise to the kids. Get them to all make a pact how 'we can all help each other make things go a little more smoothly after school so that everyone gets along '

Only 2 of the replies have been ‘man hatey’ if you read them.

Original poster
NotOkToday1 · 19/05/2025 19:36

Maybe I am lacking in empathy then.
He's been away with mates all weekend doing a hobby, he came back on a bit of a downer because the weekend cost more than he imagined and it wasn't as good as he'd thought it would be.
It seems to be that if one of the kids needs telling off then I must ne the one to do it because they don't respect him. So I've previously said he has to get over this and deal with their behaviour as things arise. They're good kids, it's usual behaviour things (eg forgetting school cardigan, using fingers instead of fork at the table etc, nothing major).
He has seemed absolutely fine otherwise. Happy, usual, going about work and hobbies as normal.
I'm upset that he said this to the kids in a moment of frustration.

OP posts:
LowDownBoyStandUpGuy · 19/05/2025 19:37

My mum used to say stuff like this to my brother and I as children that she would go and ‘put her head in the oven’ or that she would run away etc. it stays with you so it’s totally unacceptable to say in front of children.

It could be a real cry for help or it could be total manipulation, it’s difficult to tell obviously you know him so have a better handle on that but I would be careful with him using that kind of talk around your DC, regardless of whether he is genuinely ill or not.

Strawberriesforever · 19/05/2025 19:37

Two options here - either he goes to talk to someone about parenting strategies so he doesn’t get so frustrated when the kids are playing up that he resorts to emotionally abusive outbursts, or he goes to see a counselor about feeling suicidal. Or both.

Comtesse · 19/05/2025 19:37

Mloop · 19/05/2025 19:29

It’s emotionally abusive to say that to children.

I agree with this.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/05/2025 19:37

Unless he has form for being manipulative I think he needs to see the GP.

Pippa12 · 19/05/2025 19:37

NotOkToday1 · 19/05/2025 19:36

Maybe I am lacking in empathy then.
He's been away with mates all weekend doing a hobby, he came back on a bit of a downer because the weekend cost more than he imagined and it wasn't as good as he'd thought it would be.
It seems to be that if one of the kids needs telling off then I must ne the one to do it because they don't respect him. So I've previously said he has to get over this and deal with their behaviour as things arise. They're good kids, it's usual behaviour things (eg forgetting school cardigan, using fingers instead of fork at the table etc, nothing major).
He has seemed absolutely fine otherwise. Happy, usual, going about work and hobbies as normal.
I'm upset that he said this to the kids in a moment of frustration.

Hmm, down and not ‘enjoying’ things… perhaps the plot thickens you know 🤔 maybe he is feeling low?

Itwasacceptableinthe80zz · 19/05/2025 19:38

It’s completely unacceptable.

I would check how he’s feeling and would be supportive in general however nothing would ever make that acceptable to put onto your children. If it’s a cry for help then it’s misdirected and extremely manipulative.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/05/2025 19:38

NotOkToday1 · 19/05/2025 19:36

Maybe I am lacking in empathy then.
He's been away with mates all weekend doing a hobby, he came back on a bit of a downer because the weekend cost more than he imagined and it wasn't as good as he'd thought it would be.
It seems to be that if one of the kids needs telling off then I must ne the one to do it because they don't respect him. So I've previously said he has to get over this and deal with their behaviour as things arise. They're good kids, it's usual behaviour things (eg forgetting school cardigan, using fingers instead of fork at the table etc, nothing major).
He has seemed absolutely fine otherwise. Happy, usual, going about work and hobbies as normal.
I'm upset that he said this to the kids in a moment of frustration.

Clearly you’ve never come across depression before. I hope for his sake he’s just an arsehole. The marriage sounds a bit shit either way though.

Comtesse · 19/05/2025 19:39

You will get better, more thoughtful responses on Relationships board. OP I would ask to get this moved.