Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

It’s like you don’t have a backbone Op

and these other mums too

Why have you posted this again?

You don’t have to “watch” other mums getting bullied
This woman bitches about other mums to you. So… have nothing more to do with her

it really is that simple op

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour.

quite a few people in this scenario including the Op are too

That's unfair. The Op has been quite unwell and is dealing with that too.
Ignore what others in the group say. In fact, I would withdraw from WhatsApp citing your ill health. Then ignore Mrs Mad or on repeat, "Due to ill health, I'm unable to host play dates.

However difficult it would be if, genuinely, this woman is the only person in your entire school network that arranges events and your daughter would be isolated if you disengage - how much worse for you to keep placing your daughter in the presence of so much nonsense.
Do you want to teach her to accept poor behaviour from adults? Do you want her to watch you playing social games with a woman you clearly don’t like? It’s setting a terrible example and personally I’d rather my daughter learnt independence and resilience than teach her to tolerate nonsense from people so they are not mean to you.
id be contacting the mums I like and my daughters friends to arrange play dates seperately

if you genuinely have no independent means of contacting the parents of your daughters friends then that is a much bigger issue

Surely just grey rock her? If she messages on the group saying you never do play dates just say "sorry! So busy dealing with health stuff at the moment, I hope to be better and host some more soon" and then largely ignore. You don't need to blank her, confront her or anything - she's never going to change. Just grey rock, be vague and keep things light and pay no attention to her

You sound as though you should be in school.yourself. Yabu

Surely you just say no to play dates, no to lifts and set up your own WhatsApp group with the mums you actually like.

You’ve already posted about this.

Just ignore her and don't ever collect her child. Say sorry our kids don't get on and they fight in the car. It's too distracting for me driving. Ignore all other messages and requests to meet up.

I think just try and focus more on the nice people. And stand your ground if she starts demanding and bullying. I can relate. We had a woman like this throughout school, primary and secondary. Needed constant admiration and attention. Distance yourself and form smaller groups with the nice ones.

@Morningup @sameshizz @RedHelenB @MemorableTrenchcoat I think the fact that some of you are asking do I have backbone is extremely ignorant. I’ve had major surgery and I’m trying to find myself again. This woman turns nasty if you try and escape her clutches, she will always be there at school drop off and pick up. I call it the bitchgate because if you don’t comply with what she asks she turns other mums against you. This causes extreme anxiety. I also reposted this again because I posted it in the wrong section. Have I committed a crime?

All these mums seem ever so weak and easily swayed

@Pagwatch I completely understand what you are saying but these mums are so scared to host playdates without her because if she even got a whiff they are scared of the repercussions. The weird thing is this controlling mum can have her own individual playdates without us but if we do it, the comments start - how dare you do a date without me? She will then turn so bitchy, you can see just how scared the mums are. What I’m trying to explain is we have this tie with her because our kids are in the same class. If it was different class then yes easier to step away like a lot of other mums have because their kids are not in the same class. The fear is that she will get her daughter to bully our daughters and we’ve signs of it already

How old are thse childrem, has anyone spoken to the school about the bullying and harassment or do you all just go along with her nonsense for a quiet life. Block her, unjoin the wattsapp, if she starts on you then just say you've not been well and are taking a break. Maybe meet ups can be in safe spaces like cafe, play centres, libraries. Are partners and dads helping mums deal with this.

OP, I'm really sorry you're unwell and things are obviously a struggle, but the only way you can sort this out is to avoid her like the plague and not join in her games. If you are worried about your DC having friends, get them involved in some activities far away from school.

It isn't normal for a group of grown women to be so controlled by one troublemaker. Any concerns about bullying, tell the school.

Can you afford to pay for after school club
/wrap around care? This will give your head a bit of space as you won't see her on school runs for a while. Then slowly fade away from the friendship. If she asks why you're child is going to wrap around care just say you're treating yourself to some extra time to rest after being so ill.

The woman sounds unhinged, yes, but you are also sounding pretty unkind in the things you’re saying about her as well! What relevance has her shouting at her kids, have to this issue OP?!

@MissMoneyFairy The children are 5-6 years old. So they are very young. No one has spoken to the school, yes it seems we all go along with it and suffer… but I’ve worked too hard for my health and to get where I am. My peace is crucial. I will be having a heap of excuses ready in regards to lifts/collecting her child. My husband is ready to challenge her but you can’t do that when someone has mental health issues. I’m so concerned for the other mums in our group because they give in way more than I do. I think that’s why she probably likes me the least, but hey ho! I’m not here to be liked. My priority is my children

Yes all the husbands are aware and the advice is you have to gradually cut her off. Everyone’s worried for their daughters and what would happen. It’s a terrible situation

And all these other mums that seem to be, without exception, utterly weak willed and entranced by this woman 🤔

Yes all the husbands are aware and the advice is you have to gradually cut her off. Everyone’s worried for their daughters and what would happen. It’s a terrible situation

this is all incredibly baffling

@EmmaJane2025 I don’t understand what you’ve just said at all. It’s all relevant. It’s not shouting, it’s screaming and belittling them and showing us she’s the boss and no one is to mess with her. I witnessed her husband saying to their kids - you better stop, mummy’s coming and we don’t want to upset mummy. Her own husband is a shell and completely withdrawn. How could you even say I’m being unkind?? This woman is unstoppable

@Hallebere So this is another thing. Yes I have signed up my daughter for after school clubs and then this mum found out and did the same and signed up her daughter to the exact same clubs. She then said to me if you’re collecting your child, you can collect mine too. She said we can alternate every week and because I was put on the spot I said yes like a mug. She then started a new job and said I’m having late work meetings and I ended up collecting her daughter for the rest of the term! I was furious with myself. She basically paid for a club to use me to collect her daughter. I then found out she did this to my other mum friend and she just had to make excuses. It’s honestly sickening.

It's very bizarre!