Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

Disengage from the WhatsApp groups she's active on. Shake her loose. Don't respond to her personal digs or demands or any of her crazy behaviour.

No. Don't engage. This won't do you any good. Walk away.

This!
'no' is a complete sentence!

So a whole classroom's worth of women are somehow incapable of ignoring one mother? Are you in a cult?
You don't want to make a fuss in case her daughter bullies yours? Well, if that happens, you report it to the school and let them deal with it.
If she behaves towards her children in the way you describe, why not contact social services.
It's incredible that a bunch of adult women, parents to boot, cannot challenge her behaviour, orcagree to just cut her out of their lives. Your child will not be ostracised if you do bin her, because nothing will change for the kids socially, only that she won't be arranging everything and she wonn't be involved.
Do you think a group of fathers would put upp with such shit?

Help yourself with this situation OP.
You have been really ill and now need recovery time without the drama. So try to calm down about it as it isn’t helping your own mental health.

’Thank you for the invite/request/offer but I’m unable to come/oblige/join in’ Remain polite and consistent in refusing to get drawn in. It’s not as difficult as you make out if you remain calm and minimise the drama instead of getting worked up and panicking about it.

Leave the other mums to help themselves and don’t involve yourself in their struggles with her at all. They are all adults and they all need to come to the realisation that if they each reduce the drama and don’t get involved the same as you, then she is without oxygen and the situation cools. So leave them to get on with it themselves instead of fuelling the fire by worrying about it.

She can’t keep up the success level of extravagant parties that nobody wants to go to. They all know about her, they are all being bullied by her, so they will all want to avoid her and her parties the same as you. They don’t need your help with that. They can figure it out for themselves eventually.

You can only take care of your own contact with her and your own reaction to her.
Stop assuming you have to fight everybody else’s battles for them. You really don’t. It makes matters worse. Especially for your little one. So stay out of it. Put yourself on the periphery instead of at or near the centre and stay there.

Stay friends with one or two of the mums of the children your own child likes. Keep it small, private and don’t waste your breath talking about the other mums.
Concentrate on your own little circle and don’t get drawn in again.
Good luck!

Some of the other messages here are quite harsh and unhelpful - please ignore those!

Dealing with a narcissist is really difficult, especially if they have ingrained themselves in a social group. I understand feeling scared, especially because you are in a vulnerable state.

My advice would be read everything you can about narcissistic personality disorder. I did this to deal with a narc in my life and it really helped. There are strategies you can use (“grey-rocking” is one of them which has already been mentioned - you can look it up online) but you will also be able to predict and affect their behaviour once you realise that this person is deeply insecure and terrified of being “found out” as the flawed person they are.

I agree with the other poster who suggested actively telling the group that you aren’t hosting play dates for health reasons - and give details ! But maybe also say to the other Mums that you are taking a break from interacting with this Mum because you don’t think she’s trustworthy. Many of them will wake up eventually.

On your daughter being cut out from parties etc, if this person upsets your daughter and you won’t leave your daughter alone with her, maybe it’s worth missing those parties anyway. Encourage your daughter to focus on real friends and connections, not having a fake friendship with the poor soul who was born to this woman!

good luck xx

@Minnie87 read the opening post; the OP doesn't know the woman is a narcissist - she's unilaterally made that diagnosis.
Which is dangerous and unfair, particularly as people will believe her

Mental health issues are not an excuse for shit behaviour OP. You’ve been through a rough time and you’re still in recovery. Major surgery is a body shock and you need peace, not school play ground level drama. You say she’s unstoppable - she’s not. The only reason she’s making your life hell is because you’re allowing her to. Step away from the WhatsApp groups and don’t engage in the bickering. Block her from your SM and If she approaches you for anything make it clear that as much as she is ‘not to be messed with’ neither are you. You and the other mothers have given her the agency to have you all in her thrall and at her beck and call. Only you can stop that.

You’re giving her far too much head space and power. Just ignore her. Have an excuse ready for why you don’t want to give her a lift, etc. don’t engage. Focus on building your own group of nice friends.

It sounds like a fair diagnosis to me, given the facts.

Move DD to another school.
Or make up a few lies so you are ready with excuses not to go to her parties -etc- we visit relatives at the weekend / Grandparents are coming/ I have regular doctor appointments / DH has something arranged /I see the physio then / I see my Trainer then . She is going to be around for years -I’d consider a school move.

Just stop inviting her/doing her favours. If she’s at other peoples events be polite and make an excuse not to attend her events . No drama just be busy and have no time at the minute. What your friends do is on them, don’t get involved in gossip about her and don’t ask/listen to what they say about you.

Due to house moves I have had experience of 4 different primary schools - every school has someone like this. All you have to say is

No that doesn't work for me ........rinse and repeat
If they ask why say ....... I am still not right after my surgery or I work full time or I have other plans or responsibilities..........

Other than the above, don't engage with her and remain friends with the others.

She sounds like a narcissist drama llama. Control what you can control (which doesn't include her)

I am to the outside world exceptionally independent and strong and yet I also ended up badly bullied by a crazed person in an online chat group and everyone in there was in thrall and this person somehow, at the time, seemed key to my world. One day I just left and cut them out and when I did I discovered that the only power they had was the power I gave them. I have forgiven them now but have nothing to do with them and see them for what they are - a power hungry small and insignificant bully.
the parties this woman hosts don't sound fun and you and you child will miss nothing by avoiding them. Identify the mothers and children you like and make friends with them. Be polite but firm to the psycho mum. Say you are unable to do tasks or chores because you are recovering from poor health and are unwell. Remove yourself from from chat groups she dominates (I left school whsts app group a few years ago and it was wonderful!). It doesn't matter if she bitches about you - everyone knows she bittches About everyone and if anything other mothers will envy you for escaping her.
You will find peace on the other side.

She sounds f'ing bonkers. Your child and her child don't get on. What exactly are you afraid of? You all think you're the mum mafia right now but another couple of years and your kids won't give a shit who you do/don't want them to be friends with anyway. Just encourage your child to be kind but stick up for herself and she'll be fine.

Playdates are nice but they aren't the be all and end all. My 7YO dd's school are a funny bunch too. They're Cliquey and blow very hot and cold. It's difficult to navigate and she's only had occasional playdates but all the kids in the class seem to like her and get on with her. That's all I care about really. The kids will see for themselves which children (not parents) are nice people and will form friendships accordingly. You can't micromanage it and it isn't worth allowing yourself to be so disrespected by this mum

OP you’re getting some really harsh replies here and I’m not sure why. Hopefully you can look past these and see there’s also some really good advice.

There was a very similar situation in my DC’s primary school. An alpha mum joined and the only way I can describe it is bowling balled their way through friendship groups - of parents and kids. Utilising all of the tactics you have described. It’s easy to feel like the only thing you can do is cling on and hope everyone will see sense, and some will, but lots will be blind sighted by having the spot light of favour pointed at them. As much as it feels like your network will fall apart by doing so, quietly disengage and walk away. This may mean your daughters friendship group changes, but really, if you are finding this hard to navigate,do you think the child of this person will not be impacted by her behaviour? The older she gets the more she will ape this behaviour she sees, and do you really want that for your daughter?

I really feel for you, because at this age school and playground pick ups and friendship groups can feel quite all-consuming. I’d definitely talk to school and ask if it might be possible for your DD to be in the other class (explain why and the impact it’s having on your family) and then without fanfare extract yourself. She might talk rubbish about you, and some people might believe it. But really, all of these people are doing is showing you who they are x

We had one of these too. Maybe ours had a little more charm. She can’t turn everyone against you because most of the mums have noticed she’s batshit. Grey rock, cheerily say hello but don’t engage.

Ours eventually flounced to another school in year 3.

Definitely this 💯

It's not sickening, you are enabling it! Can't you see that? No say no.

Come off group chat
Block challenging mum. Feign ignorance when asked why.. 'Oh really, you sent a message? I will have a look later'
Ignore the rants, say nothing. Ignore requests for pick ups. Say unable/clashes etc etc
Say no to play dates at her house
If your child is bullied or treated poorly tell the teacher. No idea why you are letting it happen because OP that's what is going on here!

This sounds so bizarre and outrageous I kind of think OP is exaggerating and overdramatising. This mum sounds like a pantomime villain! Seriously, OP, nothing will happen if you simply ignore this nutter. If she shouts at her kids - report her to school, SS, police. If her kid bullying yours - report her to school. If she harasses you - report her to the police! Simple. Get you daughter into some sport, so she has friends outside of school. Befriend your neighbours with kids. School mums are not the only people on this planet, nothing will happen to you if you dont talk to any of them.

You absolutely can choose to step back from this woman. You say there's a group of 6 of you and the others seem to be reluctant to disengage. So you disengage from the group. If there are 30 children in the class, the parents won't all be in some sort of weird thrall to this one woman.
It reads very much as though you don't like this woman, but don't want to stop being part of her circle because there is social capital in being her friend. There was a group like this at our old primary school - constant drama and people being in, then out, then in again. There would be coffee meetups for some of them to complain about some of the others, only to be best friends a couple of days later and ostracising someone else. They very much saw themselves as the 'in crowd' and the ones who were clinging to the edges of the group were constantly stressed, because their social standing depended on whether they were being included or not.
I was friendly with one of those people, and it was sometimes as though she had tunnel vision about that one small group of mums. The rest of the year didn't give a shit. There were multiple other friendship groups, mostly overlapping, and plenty of parents just doing their own thing. Anyone who had chosen to stop chasing acceptance with this particular group could have found plenty of other people to chat to at the gates, or meet at the park etc.
This group of 6 mums doesn't have to be your entire world. There doesn't need to be a big dramatic showdown. Just withdraw and busy yourself with other people. Encourage other friendships. Arrange playdates with other children whose parents aren't friendly with this mum. This is a classic example of 'drop the rope.' She can only bully you if you're there to be bullied. If she wants to talk about you, let her. You say everyone knows what she's like, so no one will believe her. She's only important in this small world that you're all creating together.

We’ve all met up to discuss this at length and even over messaging. Me and two others are just so drained from it.

You've really lost the moral higher ground here I think op, you sound a bit like a queen bee yourself. You've round up other mums to gossip about this woman and speculate on her mental health?

If I don't like someone, I avoid them and certainly don't attend her parties. But I don't gather our mutual friends to gossip about the person. You do sound unthinking at best, bitchy at worst

I can’t understand why you and the other mums, would allow her to have so much power over you? Just stop contact, if the other mums don’t want to speak to you, why would you care? If the children were nasty to your child because of her child in school time that would be for school to sort out. People like her thrive on control but when it’s all boiled down they are bullies, and bullies are always cowards.

You need to be prepared to say no to her OP and to deal with the consequences. For example, when she asked you to collect her daughter every day from the club, you didn’t want to, you felt resentful and used, but you didn’t say anything you just went along with it. You were afraid that she would be angry with you / bitch about you to other mums / turn them against you. You need to be prepared to verbalise your boundaries and your feelings. If she bitches about you, let her. If she’s angry with you, let her. If she turns other mums against you, let her. If your daughter misses out on some parties, allow it. She’s caused you so much stress already you’d be totally within your right to say you want nothing more to do with her. You don’t want to give her an inch more headspace. You need to focus on your own peace and wellbeing even if that comes across as a bit “mean” to other people. We’re socialised as women to always be kind and put others first. It must be so confronting to see this woman not live by this at all and seemingly get away with it, when you’re so terrified of doing so your self. Take a bit of her bolshiness and put yourself first for once.