Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

OP Google greyrock and do it 100%.

I just feel like because they are scared to leave the group then if I leave I won’t have a friendship with them because she will basically just turn them all against me.

So what ? If they turn against you and stick with the bully then they aren’t worth having as friends are they.
You can not control what the other mums do.
If you want to leave the group Whatsapp, then leave. Just quietly do it. There are other ways to communicate with those mums …maybe a new WhatsApp group without her if you are so inclined. Maybe they don’t actually want to leave the group. Maybe they aren’t as scared as you make out. Maybe they like the extravagant parties, Maybe once you leave, they will also leave ….who knows.

But you do you. Have the courage to walk away from the drama and say no thank you to her calls for your time because YOU (not them) don’t wish to be with her. She’s a dangerous bully remember? So do what’s right for you and your recovery and your little child. That is your obligation to yourself and to your family …to be done with her nonsense.
Every time you accept an invitation to one of her parties and thank her for inviting you, you are lying. You are betraying yourself if you refuse to say a polite, quiet no thank you I won’t be attending. If you don’t like her then remove yourself from her company. If you want to go to her party or brunch or whatever, then go, but stop complaining about her.

they just choose to ignore instead of addressing and actually doing something about it.
That’s weird that you criticise them for not doing something about it, but won’t do something about it yourself. Like you say …they choose to ignore. So do you. Yes they choose. It’s their choice not yours. so stop trying to control them. You each have a choice. You each do what is right for yourselves guided by your own personal set of criteria and your own moral compass. Why would you want to be friends with a mum who deliberately chooses to ignore bullying behaviour anyway OP.

Why do I say that I’m beginning to wonder if you actually like the drama?
Simple answer OP. Because you find every excuse to stay with it, centring yourself in it, instead of walking away and distancing yourself from it for the sake of your recovery. Your little girl wants to see you smile. She doesn’t want to see you stressed and anxious because you won’t walk away from the bully.
Show her, with your own actions, how to behave towards a bully. That’s your duty to her as a mum.
Good luck. I hope you can find the courage to do what’s best for you and yours.

She won't listen. She's had some good advice on this thread but she's not interested.

Beginning to think this thread is just a way of getting attention. Or to get ideas of how she can turn others against this woman.

@wrongthinker Your comments are nasty and unhelpful. Go away and find something better to do. Who said I’m not listening? How do you know what action I’ve taken in the last couple of days? Seriously grow up

What do mean by it ended tragically for her child?

@YourTruthorMine Thank you for acknowledging that these types do really exist because like I keep saying unless you’ve been in this situation, you can’t understand or relate. You say it ended tragically for her child. What happened?

@buttongalore I posted a few pages back. My advice hasn't changed.
You can't control her or how your 'normal' friends choose to act. You can only control what you choose to do.
Personally I would ignore and leave the WhatsApp group, maybe start another one. If she asks why you left either ignore or tell her to you found it too stressful.

Once a slightly unhinged mum started slagging off another DC on the class WhatsApp. I called her out saying it was inappropriate. She doubled down, fortunately other mums agreed with me. She left the WhatsApp group in a huff but fundamentally I didn't really care what she thought of me and her behavior was poor so she needed to know that what she had written was unacceptable

Bloody hell mate. You've had brilliant advice on this thread - grey rock, leave the groups, ignore her, talk to the school if your DC is bullied. But you've ignored it all. Why? Why are you so insistent that you have to be deep into the drama, involved in discussing it with others at length, catastrophising about what might happen if you don't go to someone's party? Just get over it and move on.

What action have you taken since you started this post OP? Honestly, if it’s as bad as you state I’d report for stalking and harassment.

You have had Brain surgery. Now tell these people you need to rest and won’t be hosting play dates . Get off the SM group and distance yourself. At the school gates turn up see your child into school and keep moving . You have a pair of legs . Use them . Avoid avoid avoid . No human being should have this level of control over another .

Your health is the most important thing here, for you, DH, and most of all your children.

There is far too much drama going on here and the danger is that her bullying, harrassment etc. has no medical certificate to back up the claim that she is mentally ill, so she is just bad.

To be honest with you, if she is having such an effect on you and the mum friend group are not challenging her behaviour either, then I would consider strongly moving the children to another school. In fact I would consider moving out of the area completely.

That might sound very dramatic in itself, but the effect on your health of constantly trying to find strategies to deal with her is not good for you at all. Sometimes getting away is the best. Think about it, and think about the peace you will have. If you can do it, do it.

She’s taking away happy moments with my family because I’m giving her too much headspace

It really is your choice that this is happening. She's an acquaintance, not a nightmare boss at a job you simply have to hang on to.

I have another take on this woman (I believe you when you say this woman is unhinged)

This woman does this big show of hosting a party (1day of effort) but for that she expects 29 gifts, coffee meet ups and to be entertained by the other 29 sets of parents

Personally if you don’t like this woman then just step away. Hire wraparound care for a month or 2 so you don’t have to be anywhere near this woman. Tell everyone you are concentrating on your health, recovery and work.
Take a digital detox and don’t post or take part in any WhatsApp Facebook type interactions

Block her on your phone. Just disappear and don’t go to any parties or invites that involve this woman.

After a while you will find other mums doing the same thing.

If they don’t then don’t let it bother you. Just lead your life and do something fabulous with your dd if she feels like she is going to miss out on parties

Sometimes it just takes 1 person to pull out of the BS and gradually others will follow.

I would say this woman sounds like she has a severe case of FOMO

UPDATE

Another mum approached her recently and told her lots of mums are being affected by her behaviour and obviously thought she would self reflect but no, she’s now become the victim. She went into hiding for a long time and now she’s removed a few of us from social media. The weird thing is she’s kept a few of our mum friends on her social media so I believe she’s going to start her whole conquer and divide thing again. I think she’s done me a favour but not looking forward to seeing her when school starts as don’t know what she’s capable of.

Well that was fairly predictable. There’ll be a couple of scaredy half wits who stick by her and everyone normal will be like this 🙄. Playing the victim and alleging ‘bullying’ is the script.