Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

@Morningup I think you’re being very unfair and who are you to judge us? Have you been in this situation? Do you know how nasty this woman can get? She will spread rumours about you and because she does all these big parties with food and booze, mums who have no idea what they are dealing with, are automatically drawn to her. Money talks. We as a group know and obviously certain other mums around the area know because we’ve taken the sharp hits from her. I’ve been stalked and harassed by an ex years ago and I feel like I’m reliving it all over again.

LOL! Why are you all indulging this woman and her alleged and probably mental health problems and crazy behaviour? Stop going to her parties, stop caring about what she has to say, stop acknowledging her existence and oot out of groups she's a part of. You can meet your mum friends separately from this psycho...

We might as well live on different planets OP

I'm surprised others haven't encountered someone like this. We had one in DD's school year.

Do the classes change at all, at the end of the year? That might be one way to avoid her.

Otherwise, have a look on YouTube on how to deal with a narcissist. There's lots of advice on there.

The more you ignore her and have firm boundaries the more she will respect you. It works like this with people like her.

I'd "take a break from social media for health reasons". Step out of the group chat.

Can't commit to school run help "for health reasons".

"Sorry we can't come to your party, tummy bug/migraine/abducted by aliens. you're horrible ".

I would actually give the teacher a heads up to look out for bullying and for her child too as it sounds like there is coercive control or DV to the dad. 😔 Ask teacher to keep an eye out. Explain you are non dramatically distancing from them but have concerns.

The other mums can make their own choices. For now you just need to avoid avoid avoid.

Also, I'd consider quietly signing your child up for things OUT of school and not telling anyone. Get her making friends at squirrels, brownies, swim lessons, gym, etc. it will widen her potential playdates away from this toxic circle at school.

@buttongaloreWhy have you posted on here if you won’t accept or even consider anyone’s opinion or advice and say “who are you to judge…” when you’ve literally just posted asking for opinions!?!?

Just disengage. Quit the chat group and just stay in touch individually with the people you like and get on with. Don't get drawn into gossip. You're not up to hosting play dates anyway. You don't need to be confrontational, just drop the rope.

I bet if you do this, others will do so too.

@Dillshair Thank you, I’m not being dramatic. This is real although sometimes it feels unreal. I’ve never come across anyone like this in my life. I think yes the classes will change this September so that could be a blessing in disguise but she still forms these relations with both sets of classes within the year. I have been reading up on narcissistic personality disorder and the match is incredible.

@EmmaJane2025 In what sense am I being unkind though if I’m saying she shouts at her kids? She does more than shout and that’s not normal behaviour. Everyone is scared of her

How big is the class if there are enough unsuspecting mums to go to these lavish parties? Surely she’s worked her way through them all by now? And where is it you live because every I know complains how anti social school parents are these days and how play dates are hard to come by.

Is it a private school? Could you move her? Honestly, there are crazy people everywhere but this sounds so far gone. Do you really want this woman or her offspring near your child?

you need to just say No/can’t sorry to everything she says. Nothing more or less. It sounds like you’ve had an horrid time health wise so just wear dark sunglasses and when she comes up to you just say sorry I have a migraine I can barely think and might throw up, watch her run a mile. And just go stand somewhere different at pick up or get your husband to go? How do the dads manage? Do they just ignore the drama llama?

id move schools though personally - she sounds like a psychopath. Also if she screams and swears at her kids and her husband is being abused report her to social services and school safeguarding. They might be seeing signs in the kids and it could add weight.

Stop getting involved. Especially when you’ve just had brain surgery. Just completely focus on yourself and your own family. Don’t engage with her or anyone else at all. Leave them to it.

if she says anything, tell her to get fucked.

problem solved.

I didn’t say that you saying she shouts at her kids is what is unkind! Read your opening post back to yourself…. There’s lots you’ve said that is unkind. Please remember I did say this woman does sound unhinged! I’m not exactly taking ‘her side’ I’m just saying that your own behaviour isn’t perfect either

@Devonshiregal There are 30 children in the class but I don’t just mean she hosts birthday parties. She’s hosting parties for the mums - Christmas, painting, Galentines - you name it. She puts on this big facade and “look at me” and respect me because I’m ploughing you with free booze. The next thing you know she’s bitching to us - so and so didn’t reciprocate a coffee meet up and pay for me or they didn’t give me a gift for coming to my house but they’re eating my food. She’s certainly unique

I won't mention exactly where I live but it’s London. No it’s a normal state school. The other thing is she doesn’t care about her daughter’s education. No homework is ever done and no regard for her studies. As soon as we talk about homework, projects, she gets red faced and starts making excuses and once she even said - oh is schoolwork all you care about! I was thinking yes it is, I want my child to succeed!

I don’t even get to school pick up before 3:15 just to avoid her. I will get there on the dot or even later. It’s sad I know but she’s awful with her comments. I’ve started wearing make up again - I couldn’t for two years with my health and she said - look at you showing us all up, little miss Pretty always talking to the dads, are you going somewhere - why so much mascara. I was so taken aback and all the mums were just watching me - I felt like shit

She doesn’t mess with the dads, easier for her to manipulate women. The dads ignore her and can’t stand her. My husband is ready and waiting for her to do something pretty bad soon - he’s very protective of me and we went through the most awful time last year with my brain surgery.

She is a psychopath but I can’t just uproot my child. She’s made so many friends. Day by day I just feel sick to my stomach but I know I will just burst soon

It’s pretty unkind to use someone and take advantage of the parties they host, whilst constantly slagging them off behind their back op.

Move. Move far away. I moved loads with my children.

@EmmaJane2025 Are you seriously comparing my behaviour to hers? I feel sorry for her, I want her to get the help she needs. She’s already seeing a clinical psychologist and is having therapy. I am not an unkind person. I’m just stating the facts about her and if you can’t see that then I don’t know what more to say

I have been reading up on narcissistic personality disorder and the match is incredible.
I'd be careful about diagnosing people with mental health conditions, OP, unless you are trained in that field. I know it's commonly done, but in your position I'd keep my thoughts on the subject to myself, as it's tricky to accuse someone of bullying and rumour-spreading when you're labelling people like that yourself.
Apart from anything else, you don't know what psychological or physical illnesses she might actually have that could cause odd behaviour.

Have you tried being unfriendly to her? Blank face, no smiles, one-syllable answers to any questions? Frown and respond with a sharp "What?!" if she makes catty remarks? If everyone realises she's a nightmare eventually then they won't pay any attention if she spreads rumours about you, will they? And people who believe negative rumours about you are not your friends anyway, right? So they can think what they want.

This is a really odd post, because surely if someone is acting like this you just tell them to fuck off, then don't speak to them again.

I’m sorry that you have health issues OP but honestly you’re all nuts. She’s one person. If you all withdrew she’d have no power. You make it sound like no one can do anything but that’s patently untrue, No way would I put up with this shit.

@arethereanyleftatall I seriously can’t believe this. I don’t go to her parties! I avoid like the plague. I do go to some and obviously the kids birthdays parties. If I don’t go, my daughter is then left out. I already explained this woman is the link to all the other mums. Everything happens through her. It’s incredibly weird. I did says there’s 6 of us mums in a group with a set of girls, how can I not send my daughter to her daughters birthday party? The girls then talk about it at school and my daughter would get so upset if she didn’t go. I feel like I’m being attacked here! It’s so frustrating trying to make some of you understand

where/when did I “compare” your behaviour to hers?? That’s not the point I was making.
You’re misunderstanding an awful lot of people on this thread, OP

You moved your children away from all that they knew, “loads” (so multiple times?) because of another school mum being rude? Were you quite alright at the time? That’s breathtakingly bonkers. Truly mystifying….

@EmmaJane2025 You said my own behaviour isn’t perfect either. I feel like you’re saying I’m basically just like her or in that category. I came on this forum to get some sound advice. It’s not easy to just cut her off because of the power and hold she has over the mums in the school. She told us she was bullied as a child and now she’s doing it herself. Adults can be bullied too and that’s what’s happening here. Children are at stake here - we cannot just cut off because our children could be bullied by her daughter who has already displayed signs of this!!!!

Heres an idea.... grow a bloody backbone and dont speak to her or be the first one to openly call her out and u may find plenty follow