Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

"my peace is crucial" - sounds like you're better off without the whole friendship group. Do you really want to set that example to your children "mummy puts up with people being horrible to her"

"You can't do that with someone with mental health conditions" - why not? I know people with autistism and if they're being a dick they'll be bloody well told

Oh @buttongalore you’ve bern through major surgery and the last thing you need in your life is this aggro. As a previous poster said, the only thing you can change is your response to her, NOT make your own life smaller. I can literally read you shrinking from her as you describe her, changing your arrival time at the school, and worrying about her next reaction. The thing is - she will have a reaction no matter what you do, so don’t feed her behaviour in any way. You don’t need to explain any private information, just avoid her spite. I know you feel a bit attacked on this thread, and I don’t think it’s aimed at you, but I can’t believe 29 sets of parents live in fear of this woman’s tactics. A very neutral ‘no, that doesn’t suit’, ‘sorry you feel that way’, ‘no need for personal comments, Anne’, ‘DD is uninvited? Understood.’

@buttongalore regardless of wether she has a mental health condition or not (self or peer diagnosed?) you absolutely can challenge and disagree with batshit crazy CFs like this. And I say that as someone with an adult child who’s been sectioned for nearly 3 years due to his. I challenge him on his behaviour and attitude as whilst he might be ill - it doesn’t mean he can get away with being a vile, rude dickhead.

try speaking to school. If you daren’t challenge her - can you get a small select group of mums and become the mean girls and ostracise her. Quietly. Just start disappearing and being less available in WhatsApp groups she’s in. Be busy with appointments whenever she asks for anything.

dont accept play dates or parties involving her demon spawn.

just paste on that bland smile and blend into the background as much as possible and hope she moves on.

it’s understandable to not have the sons to deal with someone like her especially after your surgery.

good luck with this and your recovery.

She sounds extremely overbearing but it also sounds like the situation is being corrected as we speak simply because it's reached a stage where you find it intolerable and can't stand any more of it.

These are very young kids and there are plenty of other moms. I think a five or six year old would be pretty happy to play with just about any kid. You really don't need to be locked in with Ms. Cruella DeVille or feel like your little kid's social life is doomed.

So, I'd just act like you don't even know her. As you've already decided, don't attend anything she's hosting and don't get involved with any ride-sharing with her or her child or anything beyond a polite "hello" in passing, if you run into her.

I'd focus on the other mothers who are tired of her too, as well as other mothers (and their kids) outside this group. Invite another kid and mother or a couple of them to your house for coffee, a play date or whatever. Expect a stupid little flare up from her or some kind of petty revenge but remember there's not much she can do to you. If she tries, show her that you're not an easy target. Go to the school or even the police, if it becomes warranted.

As I believe you mentioned, it's a very good idea to protect your child from mean and weird adults anyway. Their approval isn't needed; their absence is. You may well decide you don't want your child at any of her parties anyway. If she isn't invited to something and it makes her sad, just take her and maybe a friend or two to something fun instead. There's no one activity or group that is necessary, especially when it's offered by a cow.

I expect it won't take long before you're simply not in her orbit anymore and will have your own, separate group instead. When you don't offer her anything, won't associate with her and are careful not to talk about her (because you never know who will tell her or tell someone else, who might tell her) then you will soon become strangers again. She'll move on to people who are more fun to pick on. Good luck to you. I know this is the last thing you need when you are still recovering from brain surgery!

I would have pulled my child out of the club and told her she would need to make alternative arrangements for her child to be picked up.

Speak to the headteacher about your daughter being out in a different class to her DD going forward and that should continue till the end of primary school.

I requested this with a boy who bullied my DD and when I found out they were going to the same secondary school, I made the same request.

The only problem is that yours is not so much the child, but the mother. You can still explain the situation, citing your health. The school may not see or as their problem, unless her daughter is currently an issue for yours. Maybe think about how you can word it, to get the girls separated, then you won't have to deal with her as much.

Leave the group chat and block her.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Sounds incredibly stressful. If you can get an exit strategy and create distance safely that’s best you can do. Can you get a new phone number too? Come off socials. Don’t speak about her to the other Mums and concentrate on your health and family. Hoping you will get respite soon.

Could you get your daughter moved to the other class? Are there more than 6 girls in your daughter’s class? Could your daughter have play days with the other girls?

My problem is you've also made assumptions and remarks that aren't pleasant so who knows what the truth is

Time to put your foot down. So what if she turns bitchy. Let her. Is she going to physically attack you? If she does, have her arrested. Stand up for yourself ffs. This is ridiculous. If she tries to get her child to bully your child, get the school involved. Get your child to fight back against her child. Everybody clearly knows she’s nuts. It just takes one person to stand up and the rest will follow. If they don’t, they aren’t good people anyway and why would you want anything to do with them? She only has power because you’re giving it to her. She’s one person. This isn’t prison. It’s the school gate. Just cut her out. If she challenges you just say, “Why did I cut you out of the play date? Because I don’t like your attitude and I didn’t want to spend time with you. That’s why. Have you got a problem with that? Adjust your attitude and maybe next time you’ll get an invite.” Just speak the truth. If she’s being a bitch, call it out. If you don’t want to do that just completely ignore her.

What do you think is going to happen to your kids? The teachers won't care if you don't get on. Her kid isn't going to.be able to bully all of them, if she tries then go to the school.
If there's a group if you then band together and disengage. She's another mum, nothing more.

She tells others that I’m weak and there’s actually nothing wrong with me.

Why do you care? Honestly, stop giving a shit about anything she says.

Do something else with your daughter. Plan ahead. Oh what a shame we could join. We were busy with something else.

They're...not all ugly?

You tell her "No, I can't collect your child". Step up for yourself!

couldn't join.

You let her drain you. Why do you spend time meeting up to talk about her? Ridicolous waste of time.
Just step away.
Spend time with people who are good for you and your family. Walk away from this sh*tshow.
You have a choice.

I have encountered this. I refuse to engage in it. Yes, mayby other mums/families think something about you. And so what.

We are/were simply too busy with other stuff and we escaped all this nonsense.
I planned ahead and yes, we missed some birthday party or class events.
We did nice things together as a family instead. We have no regreets. Toxic people? Don't give them any space and they will go on and find other people to pester and forget about you.

Stewart Lee's greatest work so far

Don’t let these mean people on here bother you. Ignore them.
And don’t worry about the other mums in the group - worry about yourself.
If this bully singles you out in public, don’t say a word - just turn around and walk away.
Every. Single. Time.
When she emails you, delete them - immediately, before reading.
Don’t allow her to seep into your life in any way.
If this affects invitations to her home for your daughter, that’s a good thing. If she invitations are still forthcoming, politely decline.
Eventually, this bully will tire of focusing on you and will aim at some other mum.
Eventually she will run out of mums to focus on.

Don't think OP will be back lol

Yes It’s inconvenient, yes it’s exhausting and yes it’s unpleasant but…… you still need to disengage, it’s the only way. You not standing up for yourself is not her issue, it’s yours. You can not control what others should or should not do but you can decide to stop being manipulated by this woman.

Can't you get some of the other Mums numbers and start your own whatsapp group.

Then start telling Boss Bitch 'no. I don't want to do that, so I won't.'

It takes one of you to stand up to her and the rest will follow.

SO what if she bitches behind your back, if these other mums are too weak to stand up to her and ignore her, given they know exactly what she is like, do you ACTUALLY want them as friends?!

Honestly, you need to make sure you’re not alone around this woman. Make sure you have someone with you to witness any digs and call her on it in an “I don’t know what you mean by that exactly… Can you explain please?” kind of way. It sounds like she’s asking for lifts, etc, because she enjoys the power trip. If she mentions how she was bullied as a kid, say “Oh, that’s where you picked it up….” and if she challenges you, mention that you know she has been telling people that there’s nothing wrong with you/insulting your appearance, etc. If she kicks off about not being invited to your play dates, let her know that you’re astonished that she thinks this is a good idea as your children don’t like each other. If it’s an adult meetup, state very clearly that you know she doesn’t like you at all, so it didnt occur to you to invite her. You can also state that she chooses who she invites to things, and everyone else is entitled to as well. She is probably jealous of the attention your surgery received.

Sorry, can’t do that right now.
Sorry that doesn’t work for me atm.
Every time she asks for anything.
No explanations on your health needed.
Your child will survive just fine without this woman arranging parties/ play dates/ social events. Invite one or two friends to play when it suits.
The less you have to do with her, the less her weird attitudes will bother you.