Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

You don't have to put up with this or leave the current WhatsApp group.

Start a new group and exclude her so you can still have nice conversations with the other mums and put her on mute. She'll get fed up of getting no reaction to her toxic shite

When I was in a shared flat with 5 other women there was a woman like this; she was a real two faced bully & the others were almost scared of her.
well, one day I had enough, I snapped and literally said, grow up bitch!!
she hated me for it and initially I had some ‘repercussions’ off her stupid crew which I ignored, but I felt so much better for standing up for myself!

20 years later & I’m still looking out for myself (unfortunately you get bitchy ppl in the workplace), I hate bully types.

OP, I think you need to stand up for yourself here.. you won’t regret it.

Yep cut her off like the other mums…

Grey rock all the way, someone like this targeted me when my DC were young. Sadly it ended quite tragically for her child. It's all very well being flippant about the subject, but these types really do destroy lives

Looks like you've got a ready made way of singling out the strong, moral parents that take no shit. Just grey rock her and offer other mums the chance to socialise when you’re feeling up to it. I bet you wouldn’t struggle if you were at full health, so don’t let one scummy loser derail your recovery. And take your daughter to martial arts. There’s going to be bullying anyway - you’ve seen where the mum stops (nowhere) so get ready for it with some self-respect intact. Try and get teachers onside before it starts.

How much do you care though? I mean unless you are actually scared of her being violent at the school gates, why care. "How dare you do a date without me?" on the group chat should get NO answer from any of you! On the playground "because we can" and walk away. If she gets the kids to bully, school need to swiftly punish her kids for bullying.

If the other mums are willing to 'stick with it' does that not tell you something. Perhaps they are more invested on this particular womans control of the group than you realise. Everything you have posted serves to make me think if it was me I'd be running a mile from them all.

Of course you can walk away OP but you are so entrenched in all the drama I honestly don’t think you want to. It’s impossible to believe that you don’t want to be in this situation because everything you say proves that you do.
You're not a weak and feeble being helpless being, you have a mind of your own believe it or not, so start using it and step aside from this utterly ridiculous farce and start living in the real world!

@Blueskiesandrainbows I don’t want this drama. It’s unbelievable that some of you think that I do. I’ve spoken to the rest of the mums now in our group and we will be taking steps. I’ve got a meeting with the school tomorrow to discuss this behaviour. It’s getting more and more concerning. I will be stepping away, believe me

To be fair, you do sound like you're heavily invested in the drama, what with meeting other mums and trying to figure out if you can leave a WhatsApp group and catastrophising about being left out of coffee dates and endless non stop gossiping about this woman.

Just take the good advice you've been given. Ignore, grey rock, stop giving it any attention, get on with your own life. Stop giving this woman so much power.

In what way do you think this is the school’s problem? This whole drama concerns adults who are freely choosing to see another out of school hours and off school premises. The only thing that actually involves the children is the OP’s refrain that this woman’s child ‘might’ start to bully their children if they disengage. That will be the school’s business if it happens. Report it if it happens.

What is not the school’s business is what happens on private WhatsApps which are nothing to do with the school, the interpersonal relationships, however unpleasant, among a group of school parents, or the armchair diagnoses one of them has made of a social queen bee whose parties she attends.

If this woman were threatening people on school premises, it would be the school’s issue (DS’s primary did, when the mother in question had significant MH problems, barred her from school premises and all school events — but she’d threatened parents and a teacher in the playground in front of children) but none of what you’ve said is anything to do with school. It is not compulsory for you to socialise with the parents of your children’s class. It’s not compulsory for your child to attend all class parties. You are choosing to engage.

Im trying to be kind here because you’ve had a horrible time with your health, and I’m sure this has contributed to your sense that you’re completely trapped by some kind of monster. You really aren’t. You can choose to disengage any time you like. What you can’t do is make anyone else behave the way you would like them to. That includes making other parents disengage or trying to maki’s it school’s problem.

Take your kids??

OP, when you had your brain surgery, did you suffer any side effects from it? The way you think and rationalise stuff is not quite normal.

OP talking to the other mums and taking steps is the opposite of staying out of it

I’ve spoken to the rest of the mums now in our group and we will be taking steps.

Surely there's a moment where you're like "am I... am I the queen bee? Am I the bully?"

Singling out one person - check.
Gossiping about them behind their back - check.
Making out that the person is crazy and telling everyone - check.
Trying to get other people to stop being that person's friend - check.
Trying to damage their reputation with school/work etc - check.
Still attending that person's parties - check.

Op, just stop. That woman sounds difficult but you aren't sounding like a saint either.

Amen. And it does honestly seem like OP being dramatic. It’s an adult with personality issues. You walk past 10 an hour.

Indeed.

I feel like this is the plot to Motherland. Is this woman’s name Amanda by any chance?

Bloody Nora, the kids are more mature. Just ignore her, drop kids off and leave. Get out all the whatsap groups. Make friends that aren't 'Mum' friends, you need proper friends away from the school gate.

you have years of this shit OP time to get tough

I have zero to do with the school mums except the ones who literally meet at a park and are normal. We dont do these play dates as its just clicky. Been there done it, got the t-shirt

I drop, say hi, leave. That is it. Try that and distance yourself from the click!

@RobinHeartella Do you know me? I would keep your comments to yourself. I have no intention to be the queen bee. Absolutely ridiculous comment. We have to talk to one another in the group to decide what to do. We have been suffering silently for over a year! You’re not in this situation so you don’t know this woman. She’s actually made women’s lives very difficult. Do I want to be next? No so I need to protect myself. What do you mean making out she’s crazy?? Have you read any of my posts? What she does and says are not normal. It’s psychopathic bullyish behaviour. People are scared of bullies. Adults can be bullies. Yes normally you would say walk away, don’t engage but we have to see her everyday - morning and afternoon at school! She lives two roads away from me. I see her in the High Street. She calls and hassles. She’s not the normal average Joe where someone would get the hint and back off. She’s got major issues. I’ve already said I wish her well and hope she gets the help she needs. I just want to be left alone in peace

@Sundappledlawn Thank you for your response. So you can relate. It’s hard convincing others on this thread. These kind of women do exist. I do tell myself yes it won’t be like this forever but do I still want to endure another 5 years of this? These are critical years. She’s taking away happy moments with my family because I’m giving her too much headspace. I’m just always trying to find a way to escape her. She’s actually that intense. I do really appreciate the supportive comments on this thread and will be taking a lot of the advice forward.

@LAMPS1 I just feel like because they are scared to leave the group then if I leave I won’t have a friendship with them because she will basically just turn them all against me. Maybe they are just not strong willed women, I don’t know. What I do know is how drained they are but they just choose to ignore instead of addressing and actually doing something about it. I can’t believe you think I enjoy the drama. What makes you say that? I’ve been stating clear facts and had no choice but to write on an online forum because I needed sound advice. I am so busy with my kids, I don’t have time to play games with anyone or anything. If you read any of my previous posts, I was bedridden pretty much the whole of last summer with my 5 year old asking me will I ever smile again. So she’s my focus now

OP you specifically said you feel she needs the diagnostic criteria for NPD, and you also said she’s a psychopath. Just because you know she has a clinical psychologist and is in therapy doesn’t mean you can just pick diagnoses out of thin air and attach them.

Meanwhile you’re meeting up with/messaging other nuns to discuss this woman and the way she treats you all so badly - including by creating group chats to talk about you all behind your backs. Can you see how you’re allowing yourself to be drawn into this and actually engaging in some pretty questionable behaviour yourself?

You said you don’t go to her parties but of course you go to some because otherwise your daughter would be left out. There is so much drama here and you’re up to your neck in it.

I’m sorry about your health issues and this is clearly not helping. As plenty of others have said, you need to disengage completely. If your daughter is bullied at school, go through the appropriate channels. You do not need to have friends at the school gate, you only have to drop off and collect your child. I worked full time while all my children were at primary school, with the result that on annual leave days or days where I was unexpectedly around, I rocked up at the gate where I didn’t know a soul and subsequently collected my child and went off home. It wasn’t hostile or scary, i just wasn’t friendly with anyone because I wasn’t part of the crowd and that was completely fine

Well said.

OP - you could just stop speaking to these women and nothing would happen and your life would be drama free. For some reason, you're spending a lot of time and effort into trying to oust this woman and tell everyone she's psychopathic - it's not kind behaviour.

“Meets”, not “needs”. And “mums” not “nuns”!!

@buttongalore, you literally can only control your own behaviour here. You can’t turn her into a different person, you can’t make the other people behave towards her in the way you think they should. You can’t guarantee they won’t start avoiding you or turn against you, for instance. The only thing you can do is change your own behaviour, whether that’s disengaging, telling her to fuck off, or moving schools, if you really can’t allow her to stop taking up so much of your headspace. She’s not ‘taking away happy moments with your family’. You are taking them away by focusing too much on her.