Mum friend making life hell

[buttongalore]

Please can I have some advice.

I have a mum friend who is displaying extreme signs of abnormal behaviour. We have a group of mums (there is six of us of us) but this particular mum bullies us and I’ve found out she’s made WhatsApp groups and singling out each of us to talk behind that persons back. She’s befriended the whole of the school mums and does these lavish parties to show she’s so cool but really she’s hot and cold, constantly swears, shouts at her kids, uses us for money if we go out, has told us her husband is in therapy (most likely because of her) and makes catty remarks to me about my hair and makeup (I’ve had brain surgery recently so I’m starting to take care of myself again). When I speak to the other mums in our group they say they are aware and she has a mental health condition so no point in addressing the behaviour. I feel it needs to be addressed because she’s using us. She will ask me to collect her child (but her child fights in the back of the car with my daughter), she asks me for lifts to the school (but she has her own car), she bitches about me to the other mums that apparently I don’t host enough playdates. We then hear that certain mums are cutting her off because they are clearly finding out what’s she like in the end. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder because she wants constant attention from everyone and if you don’t comply with what she wants she turns nasty - there are stories of where she’s ruined people’s lives and turned other mums against each other. I don’t know what to do because my child is in the same class as her child and I don’t want my child to be shunned out because this mum hosts all the parties and she is the link to all the other mums. I have no idea how she’s managed to convince many that she’s normal. I feel scared to be around her. In the past I’ve left my daughter with her and my daughter has been upset when she’s come home. I now know to never leave my child alone with her. The other mums in the group say they are only having this connection with her for the sake of their children but in reality they are just scared and don’t want to speak up. She constantly hassles me and calls me for coffee meet ups and even challenges me on the group about why I haven’t done a playdate yet. I’m still recovering from brain surgery and obviously someone with narcissistic personality disorder has no sympathy for others. It’s causing me a great deal of anxiety because I have to watch other mums being bullied - we shouldn’t have to live like this

I'm sorry, OP, this does sound like a nightmare! This is exactly the way narcissistic relational systems work: it's an awful web of manipulation, FOG, lies and threats. It seems you are well caught up in it.
Can you search for information/resources for dealing with this kind of people? Information is power, as they say. Feeling validated will give you strength to move forward and set boundaries with this woman.
(Maybe you could start here: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt)

I’m in my 50s now, but as a young mum with my first child at primary, I went through something very similar. The scars were long lasting. She caused enormous trouble. Back away.

It all sounds so overly dramatic that I'm wondering if the other mums actually like her, but somehow you've managed to convince yourself that they don't, and they're all terrified of her? 😳

It's ridiculous to think that all the other mums hate her too.

If they did, they'd just get together and freeze her out.

Grey rock, OP.

That's your best move here.

Stop giving her so much power. She's just a person - a shitty one at that.

I think the disconnect between you @buttongalore and others on the thread is this line

It’s not easy to just cut her off because of the power and hold she has over the mums in the school.

Because what pps can see is that the only power she has is the power you and others give her.
I get the you feel powerless, but you do have choice here

Withdraw. Grey rock. Only you can choose to change this for yourself.

@LadyTable That’s such an unbelievable comment. We’ve all met up to discuss this at length and even over messaging. Me and two others are just so drained from it. The two remaining in our group, I have no idea what they think tbh but they are blatantly being bullied. I did explain earlier the two mums who are fed up of this are saying - This is mental health, it has to be done gradually and we can’t have any comebacks on our kids. If you’ve never been in this situation, you wouldn’t know.

Reads like a film plot or something. If it's true, just remove yourself from the group and find some new friends for you and your child.

Initially I thought you were being a tad dramatic and then the similarities between this mum and another I knew through my child’s club rang true. I’m lucky the kids don’t go to the same school as I can imagine the mother being a bit like this and it being suffocating!
You just need to distance yourself OP and don’t get involved in group chats or gossip. This type of person is out for themselves.

Bloody hell @buttongalore! You do realise that there are real people with real problems existing outside of your bubble? Whilst I recall how intense the whole school mum dynamic can be, this myopic view of yours is really unhealthy - get a grip!

I’ve read all your posts and can see you’re making small steps to extract yourself from this. Good to hear.

i posted to remind you of this new buzz phrase

LET HER

she wants to bitch about you? Let her.
she doesn’t know anything about you so it’s all a lie and people will see through that

you have the other mums to lean on, start recruiting others as they begin to see this mum for what she is.

be aloof, tell her no collection/lifts and don’t allow yourself to get dragged in

LET HER be who she is, focus on being yourself

teach your dd that not everyone is nice, not everyone includes everyone and make your own parties.

You have just had Brain Surgery so you have a valid reason to avoid her . Tell her you are exhausted and tired from having surgery and need to have frequent naps , consultants orders so you can’t meet up at the moment .

@pancakestastelikecrepe Myopic? I don’t need your validation. You’re classing me with little intellect. Believe me not only am I highly educated, I’ve experienced many different things in my life and this situation isn’t the biggest. What I went through last year was life changing. So if you want to shoot me for coming on a forum for a different perspective, then please do

Are you in touch with a team after surgery OP? Or can you visit your GP? This really doesn’t sound right at all, I believe you that she is probably a really horrible woman but the grip this non-issue has on you seems over the top. Can you have a chat with your GP about your thoughts and see what they suggest? You really don’t need to be ‘involved’ with any of this, you don’t need to be liaising with all of these mums constantly and going to play dates and parties and being in WhatsApp groups. Just put your phone down.

Exactly. Life changing. Why are you even giving this legs?

People behave like then when they are allowed to - you don't like her so say no when she asks you to collect her child and ignore her attempts to cause drama. If she's as bad as you say people will work it out honestly op it sounds like the parents are the children vying for acceptance to the popular table.

My dc has been at primary 5 years I have 2 school mum friends and couldn't care less what drama and play dates go on that we aren't part of in 2 years I'll never see most of them again

Then let her turn the other mums against you. They’re clearly no better if they let her. You don’t need these people in your life.

This

Solipsistic?
Just look after yourself and your DC - your hyperbolic posts are conveying you do want some sort of validation - none of this crap is important, kindly.

Does anyone work? How do people have so much time for these school age dramas? Does everyone's partners just put up with it?

@MzHz Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I have started the ball rolling and yes with the help of my husband, I will get my peace again. Absolutely she can carry on bitching - I always say if you’re going to talk shit, make sure you’re well dressed as you can’t look and talk like shit at the same time. I will be categorically saying no to all lifts and no to all school collections for her daughter. If that means I have to walk to the school then so be it.

@Pompompowder Thank you, but she doesn’t care about the brain surgery. No empathy whatsoever, not that I’m looking for it because I don’t like attention in any shape or form. She tells others that I’m weak and there’s actually nothing wrong with me. I came on this forum for some help, I didn’t realise I would be attacked by some. Sad really.

Is there another school your DD could go to? Otherwise could someone else collect her so you don’t go near the school.Stop social media and try and distance yourself from the school mums.Very soon the big parties stop and children have other interests.Find out of school clubs for your daughter.You need to heal from your surgery you must stop being involved with this situation.If other mothers go along with it let them it is not your problem.Good luck.

As people on here say…Kindly, if this woman (whether exacerbated by the huge stress you’ve been under and the understandable esteem issues or not) causes you so much grief you are sick to your stomach and are changing your routines to avoid her, you need to do something about it. Your daughter is 5/6. She will literally not even remember these friends she’s made in a few years. In fact, she’s unlikely to be friends with them next week let alone in 15 years time. Moving her will not hurt her. Having her mother be so stressed and down on herself because of this grown bully will impact her though.

What does your husband think this woman will do? I don’t know how vicious she can be, but I do recognise the behaviour you’ve mentioned and know how unpleasant it can It is not worth being around this.

Life is too short and precious to have this pointless toxicity around. Also, what happens if your kid and her kid become besties and they’re knocking about together all the time-will you facilitate it? Or be the mean mummy who never lets them have play dates? Would you husband move her?

This is just me, and all I know about you is two posts, but you might be putting a bit too much emphasis on school making your daughter ‘succeed’ - she’s in reception or at most year 1 and you’re worrying about homework and moving her in case she doesn’t succeed in life and are already totally wrapped up in school mum drama. It all seems very intense and maybe there’s something to be said for taking some time to just be. A holiday or a reset break alone or something? Some recuperation time. Easier said than done I know, of course.

The only thing you can control about this situation is how you behave/respond. You're giving her so much space in your head that she doesn't deserve- save that for people who matter.

She's not going to change. Being around her is hard, not being in the inner circle would be hard. Pick your hard, accept the state of play and get your mind focused on something else.

OP, the only behaviour you can change here is your own.

There’s no point wishing she was different or that other people saw her the way you do.

You decide what you can do to improve your situation/peace of mind, and get on with it, whether that’s moving schools or just stepping back from socialising with these people.