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Original poster

She insists it wasn't cheating, but it still really hurt and I am struggling move on. Help!

208 replies

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:00

I will try and keep this brief. We are currently "happy" and working on our marriage after both getting a taste of losing each other after separating for 2.5 months last year (her decision). Our marriage was complicated, financial infidelity on her part, and a lack of resolution at the time lead to conflict, depression (on her part) and we split. It only last just over 2 months before we eventually worked on things. It has been 6 months we have been "back together". I love her, she is the mother of my kids, my wife and we have been together for over 20 years. I never wanted the separation, she knew all the way through I was ready to work on things. I feel this is important...

When we had the talk about reconciling, I asked her "tell me nothing happened with anyone whilst we were apart" (she was going to friends parties etc) and she immediately confessed to getting drunk and snogging her friends brother at her friends party, just 3 nights prior. She said it was horrible, she instantly felt remorse and found it to just be happening after chatting to him at the bar for a minute or two. She says it was at the end of the night, she pulled away and that was that. She insists (she would) that it was 2 seconds of a mistake, was disgusting and that it "wasn't a long passionate kiss", and reminded me that "we weren't together".

My problems are as follows. Number 1, I can't get it out of my mind, even after 6 months, and things have been good. Is there something wrong with me? The way I see it, how could she? If she means what she says now and she never felt right apart, how could she do that? At the time I was looking after our children whilst she was doing this, heartbroken to put it bluntly. Secondly, I feel guilty for doubting it was "just a kiss". Her language I feel is pure minimalisation, and I dread something more happening. I dread it because it would destroy us, and I couldn't forgive it, so I have buried it due to lack of evidence, benefit of the doubt and a deep down disbelief in her ability to go that far, no matter how drunk.

What bothers me is how it happened? For two people to snog, they have to be close enough. What signals did she give? What did she say? What did he say? Did she really just walk away and carry on dancing with her friends after as she claims? Why tell me if it was "just a horrible 2 second thing" and we weren't together?

I am terrified she has been dishonest. Even if she hasn't it still hurts me to picture my wife kissing another guy like that, drunk or not. Do you think its cheating? I was emotionally invested in us, and she knows I was. She says it meant nothing and she thought we might never get back together. She admits to being ridiculous and wreckless in the moment and is remorseful.

She says she wants us to work and HAS made great effort in the relationship since we got back together, everything is really strong, its just this niggling thing. She says being apart made her realise how good we are and how theres so much worth fighting for. She tells me she loves me and never wants to separate again and has committed to better communication and effort.

Am I pathetic? Should I drop it? Should it matter? I need to stop ruminating. I don't want us to end, but I need the doubt to stop. Its hounding me.

Is my gut feeling that more happened (despite her insisting it didn't and "I wouldn't have done that so soon into a separation after 20 years, what do you take me for?!", or am I just struggling with trust after the financial infidelity and being dumped? I just feel like I am on shaky ground. I love the woman and I want it to work so badly.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 07/04/2025 21:03

@BoldRobin i don't think your relationship will get any better or secure if you are constantly worrying about the what ifs.....if you can't let go of the worry it won't work.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:05

I understand that, I want to let go. I really do.

OP posts:
alongtimecoming1 · 07/04/2025 21:05

What’s financial infidelity? Genuine q.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:06

She had been struggling with gambling for a considerable amount of time without my knowledge.

OP posts:
Bequietgob · 07/04/2025 21:13

You’re right to acknowledge that a lot happens before a kiss so she’s probably not being entirely honest. But you were separated so she wasn’t cheating. It was probably a drunken flirtation that meant nothing.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 21:14

Kissing is cheating but a drunken snog is probably the only form of cheating I'd forgive, just the once though. You were broken up at the time however so she's right that technically she didn't cheat. This doesn't mean she should dismiss your feelings, she should be understanding of how hurtful it was and listen to your concerns and fears, and takethem seriously.

It's absolutely possible when drunk for 2 people to snog without thinking about it and for it be as meaningless as she says.

It's also natural for it to hurt!

But I don't think the snog is necessarily the big issue here, its that you don't trust her and given the gambling you have reason to. I think you should look into couples therapy.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:14

Can it really mean nothing? I guess we are each different, but for me personally a kiss is very intimate.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 07/04/2025 21:16

Why did you ask if you didn’t want to hear the truth? That was stupid.

Sounds like you don’t trust her. it’s not normal to torment yourself by thinking constantly of what night have happened. She’s your wife, you have been together 20 years, you were separated at the time.

either move on or split up.

WrylyAmused · 07/04/2025 21:16

Whilst I get that it was painful for you for her to kiss someone else, I actually think it's a positive sign for your reconciliation - you asked her a question, and she didn't lie, she gave you the honest, albeit somewhat painful, answer.

As she could quite easily have lied about that but chose not to, and also given it was at a party, it seems not particularly likely that anything more happened. A drunken kiss when someone is feeling emotionally unstable is not that surprising, it's a pretty common thing. And yes, it can easily be completely meaningless for many many people.

It's not ideal, but you need to stop ruminating on it and letting it go round and round your head, or you will destroy your restored relationship.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:17

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 21:14

Kissing is cheating but a drunken snog is probably the only form of cheating I'd forgive, just the once though. You were broken up at the time however so she's right that technically she didn't cheat. This doesn't mean she should dismiss your feelings, she should be understanding of how hurtful it was and listen to your concerns and fears, and takethem seriously.

It's absolutely possible when drunk for 2 people to snog without thinking about it and for it be as meaningless as she says.

It's also natural for it to hurt!

But I don't think the snog is necessarily the big issue here, its that you don't trust her and given the gambling you have reason to. I think you should look into couples therapy.

I guess thats it? Within the space of year, I found out about the gambling, she "dumped" me out of the blue and then confessed to a drunken snog. I feel like I have had to deal with so much, she says she understands and we have talked about it at great length, but I am struggling to move on. I really want to.

OP posts:
Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:17

You asked, and she told you. She could have lied - which would be a much bigger problem.

You weren’t together - and I imagine emotions were all over the place for both of you whilst you were apart.

You can either move past this or not - but she actually hasn’t done anything wrong, so don’t put it on her.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:26

Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:17

You asked, and she told you. She could have lied - which would be a much bigger problem.

You weren’t together - and I imagine emotions were all over the place for both of you whilst you were apart.

You can either move past this or not - but she actually hasn’t done anything wrong, so don’t put it on her.

I did ask, but I was totally expecting nothing to have happened and was asking as a means of reassurance/clarity. Honestly didn't expect, and it shocked me.

I have tried to rationalise by accepting emotions were all over the place, but I was a mess and couldn't even think about other women, whereas she was partying and snogging strangers? Are we just different? Can she really truly love me? I accept I might be insecure.

I guess technically she didn't do anything wrong, but now we are back together I am naturally going to see it as a disrespect to our marriage and her intentions. I just do, instinctively. I am trying my hardest to move on. I dont talk to her about it but I want to stop ruminating.

OP posts:
Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:29

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:26

I did ask, but I was totally expecting nothing to have happened and was asking as a means of reassurance/clarity. Honestly didn't expect, and it shocked me.

I have tried to rationalise by accepting emotions were all over the place, but I was a mess and couldn't even think about other women, whereas she was partying and snogging strangers? Are we just different? Can she really truly love me? I accept I might be insecure.

I guess technically she didn't do anything wrong, but now we are back together I am naturally going to see it as a disrespect to our marriage and her intentions. I just do, instinctively. I am trying my hardest to move on. I dont talk to her about it but I want to stop ruminating.

Show quote history

It’s not “technically”. She did nothing wrong. And she was honest.

it’s not disrespectful to your marriage- you’ve said she is trying hard and things are good - that’s what matters.

If you can’t move on, you need to decide the marriage won’t work.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:31

Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:29

It’s not “technically”. She did nothing wrong. And she was honest.

it’s not disrespectful to your marriage- you’ve said she is trying hard and things are good - that’s what matters.

If you can’t move on, you need to decide the marriage won’t work.

Show quote history

Do you not think that is putting undue pressure on myself to just "move on"? Its been 6 months, but it still feels raw? Is it not natural for it to take time to move on? If there was a magic switch, I'd have pressed it months ago. Its niggling at me, I feel bad about it hence why I am here. I want it to work.

OP posts:
ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/04/2025 21:34

When you separate then reconcile and you want to give it another go, you absolutely have to forgive. Holding onto this and not being able to forgive won't help your relationship.
If you feel you absolutely can't see past it, then really consider your future and whether you still have something to fight for.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:34

Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:29

It’s not “technically”. She did nothing wrong. And she was honest.

it’s not disrespectful to your marriage- you’ve said she is trying hard and things are good - that’s what matters.

If you can’t move on, you need to decide the marriage won’t work.

Show quote history

I appreciate your honesty and directness. I guess I want to know "how" to move on?

OP posts:
PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 21:37

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:31

Do you not think that is putting undue pressure on myself to just "move on"? Its been 6 months, but it still feels raw? Is it not natural for it to take time to move on? If there was a magic switch, I'd have pressed it months ago. Its niggling at me, I feel bad about it hence why I am here. I want it to work.

Show quote history

See, this is why I think its not really the snog that's the problem here. You do come over as very insecure, I'm not saying that's wrong because as you've pointed out you've been through a lot of unexpected upheaval in your relationship lately, but insecurity isn't healthy for a relationship. If you weren't insecure before, then this is definitely an indication of how much your feelings about your marriage have changed / are changing.

I shall add that I think therapy just for you as well as couples therapy would be a good idea, to help you get your head straight.

Whats happening with the gambling now?

Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:38

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:34

I appreciate your honesty and directness. I guess I want to know "how" to move on?

Show quote history

Counselling could help. Work on you.

Just don’t…I don’t know…don’t strangle the marriage with rope made of stuff you can’t let go of.

Flowerpupp · 07/04/2025 21:39

My DH and I had a period early on in our relationship where we separated. It wasnt for long, only a month before we got back together, but in that time he slept with someone else. I found out when we got back together and I found it so hard, I would ask him and myself lots of questions, like how could he really love me if he slept with someone else (it was a one-night stand)? I went on a date in that time and ended it early because I couldn't stop thinking about him.
It took me a while but it does become easier, over time I have been able to separate it from our relationship. I still hate that it happened but I've moved past it now. Give yourself time.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:41

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 21:37

See, this is why I think its not really the snog that's the problem here. You do come over as very insecure, I'm not saying that's wrong because as you've pointed out you've been through a lot of unexpected upheaval in your relationship lately, but insecurity isn't healthy for a relationship. If you weren't insecure before, then this is definitely an indication of how much your feelings about your marriage have changed / are changing.

I shall add that I think therapy just for you as well as couples therapy would be a good idea, to help you get your head straight.

Whats happening with the gambling now?

Show quote history

I admit I feel very insecure. I am not proud of it. It just "is". I am in therapy myself for my own issues, and went to so much therapy during the separation. The gambling stopped, when we reconciled she finally opened up about it, she got help. I wonder if my insecurity is just wounds from betrayal trauma. I want to trust and move on with every ounce of my being. I love her

OP posts:
curious79 · 07/04/2025 21:41

Hmmm I can see why you wouldn't forgive and why it plays on your mind. You don't just snog someone - there's flirting in the lead up. I think you need to accept you were on a break, and take her statement that she was then disgusted and did no more at face value.

If she's gambling and partying, and you were looking after the kids, sounds like she has a need for letting go and some potentially addictive behaviours. I hope you're both dealing with that appropriately

Mamabear487 · 07/04/2025 21:43

She could have kept the kiss a secret from you and not told you. She obviously regrets it and she’s trying to move on with you. You weren’t together you were on a break even though it’s shit that’s the reality

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:45

curious79 · 07/04/2025 21:41

Hmmm I can see why you wouldn't forgive and why it plays on your mind. You don't just snog someone - there's flirting in the lead up. I think you need to accept you were on a break, and take her statement that she was then disgusted and did no more at face value.

If she's gambling and partying, and you were looking after the kids, sounds like she has a need for letting go and some potentially addictive behaviours. I hope you're both dealing with that appropriately

I wasn't innocent. I completely neglected her for a long time, ignorantly unaware I was being enough. I am better. I accept the gambling was an escape and depression, and I take SOME responsibility. She opened up about feelings of shame and guilt being so unbearable she felt she had to leave as there was no getting past it. I forgave it and am supporting her. The kiss just felt like an unecessary extra obstacle and painful thing for me to process. I am trying to put it down to emotional instability, defiance and foolish mistake. She is very attractive, its on a plate for her. Easy to slip I guess?

OP posts:
StaredAtTheSun · 07/04/2025 21:48

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:45

I wasn't innocent. I completely neglected her for a long time, ignorantly unaware I was being enough. I am better. I accept the gambling was an escape and depression, and I take SOME responsibility. She opened up about feelings of shame and guilt being so unbearable she felt she had to leave as there was no getting past it. I forgave it and am supporting her. The kiss just felt like an unecessary extra obstacle and painful thing for me to process. I am trying to put it down to emotional instability, defiance and foolish mistake. She is very attractive, its on a plate for her. Easy to slip I guess?

Show quote history

Defiance? Now you're sounding a bit weird...

Missedthis · 07/04/2025 21:52

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:45

I wasn't innocent. I completely neglected her for a long time, ignorantly unaware I was being enough. I am better. I accept the gambling was an escape and depression, and I take SOME responsibility. She opened up about feelings of shame and guilt being so unbearable she felt she had to leave as there was no getting past it. I forgave it and am supporting her. The kiss just felt like an unecessary extra obstacle and painful thing for me to process. I am trying to put it down to emotional instability, defiance and foolish mistake. She is very attractive, its on a plate for her. Easy to slip I guess?

Show quote history

Defiance?

”on a plate for her”

It would be worth you examining why you phrase it like this.