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Original poster

She insists it wasn't cheating, but it still really hurt and I am struggling move on. Help!

208 replies

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:00

I will try and keep this brief. We are currently "happy" and working on our marriage after both getting a taste of losing each other after separating for 2.5 months last year (her decision). Our marriage was complicated, financial infidelity on her part, and a lack of resolution at the time lead to conflict, depression (on her part) and we split. It only last just over 2 months before we eventually worked on things. It has been 6 months we have been "back together". I love her, she is the mother of my kids, my wife and we have been together for over 20 years. I never wanted the separation, she knew all the way through I was ready to work on things. I feel this is important...

When we had the talk about reconciling, I asked her "tell me nothing happened with anyone whilst we were apart" (she was going to friends parties etc) and she immediately confessed to getting drunk and snogging her friends brother at her friends party, just 3 nights prior. She said it was horrible, she instantly felt remorse and found it to just be happening after chatting to him at the bar for a minute or two. She says it was at the end of the night, she pulled away and that was that. She insists (she would) that it was 2 seconds of a mistake, was disgusting and that it "wasn't a long passionate kiss", and reminded me that "we weren't together".

My problems are as follows. Number 1, I can't get it out of my mind, even after 6 months, and things have been good. Is there something wrong with me? The way I see it, how could she? If she means what she says now and she never felt right apart, how could she do that? At the time I was looking after our children whilst she was doing this, heartbroken to put it bluntly. Secondly, I feel guilty for doubting it was "just a kiss". Her language I feel is pure minimalisation, and I dread something more happening. I dread it because it would destroy us, and I couldn't forgive it, so I have buried it due to lack of evidence, benefit of the doubt and a deep down disbelief in her ability to go that far, no matter how drunk.

What bothers me is how it happened? For two people to snog, they have to be close enough. What signals did she give? What did she say? What did he say? Did she really just walk away and carry on dancing with her friends after as she claims? Why tell me if it was "just a horrible 2 second thing" and we weren't together?

I am terrified she has been dishonest. Even if she hasn't it still hurts me to picture my wife kissing another guy like that, drunk or not. Do you think its cheating? I was emotionally invested in us, and she knows I was. She says it meant nothing and she thought we might never get back together. She admits to being ridiculous and wreckless in the moment and is remorseful.

She says she wants us to work and HAS made great effort in the relationship since we got back together, everything is really strong, its just this niggling thing. She says being apart made her realise how good we are and how theres so much worth fighting for. She tells me she loves me and never wants to separate again and has committed to better communication and effort.

Am I pathetic? Should I drop it? Should it matter? I need to stop ruminating. I don't want us to end, but I need the doubt to stop. Its hounding me.

Is my gut feeling that more happened (despite her insisting it didn't and "I wouldn't have done that so soon into a separation after 20 years, what do you take me for?!", or am I just struggling with trust after the financial infidelity and being dumped? I just feel like I am on shaky ground. I love the woman and I want it to work so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldRobin · 10/04/2025 12:25

I ended up talking to my wife about this last night finally opening up. I told her I felt jealous and admitted to feeling ridiculous about it and she tried to reassure me. She said on the particular night it had happened, she was feeling particularly upset about the "split" and had been living with regret for a while and was trying to find a way to broach the subject with me about working on things but she felt ashamed after causing so much upheaval. She claims that I had gone to the house to collect the kids, and I was particularly indifferent towards her. She said she had gotten dressed earlier than normal to attempt to impress me with what she as wearing and I ignored her apparently (why wouldn't I, I was trying to be strong etc). She said she went out and drowned her sorrows, said she felt distracted by relationship problem and just kept drinking until she could barely stand up. She said she felt it was over for good and she had messed everything up, my indifference made her feel like I didn't care. She said this kiss just seemed to happen out of the blue after chatting to this guy for a minute or two at the bar. Says she instantly regretted it and it made her feel sick. Doesn't know his name, had never spoken to him before and says she felt disgusting straight after. She says she honestly cannot remember how it happened, just that one minute she was stood at the bar drunk talking to this stranger, and the next they were kissing. She says it was stupid and immature but she barely remembers the build up at all. She admitted the guy had propositioned her to go back to his place "later" and she said no, then tells me he became arrogant and put her down saying she doesn't know how lucky she is etc. She told me he was full of himself and she walked away and mocked him to her friends. She assured me that was it and she is embarrassed about it. She insists she wouldn't have even considered more after being together with me for 20 years, married and only 8 weeks into a split she was regretting. She said she was barely even eating...

She said she wants to forget it and has done, leave it in the past. She is embarrassed about it and sorry for the pain it caused. She is happy, and says the last 6 months together has been so good, and she is very optimistic about our future and just hopes we can move forward.

I believe her.

Thank you for the advice, and I apologise for being a twat with some of you in here. I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldRobin · 10/04/2025 12:32

She added she thought it was so insignificant and meaningless that she considered never mentioning it to me knowing it might cause some hurt, but she said she wasn't willing to proceed with us without it being out in the open as she felt she had done enough hiding things with the gambling and wanted complete transparency. She said she can't believe how much its been bothering me and that she feels terrible. I told her not to, we hugged and kissed and went to bed.

I will do my very best to move on completely. It helped talking to her. It did.

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 10/04/2025 14:19

BoldRobin · 10/04/2025 12:25

I ended up talking to my wife about this last night finally opening up. I told her I felt jealous and admitted to feeling ridiculous about it and she tried to reassure me. She said on the particular night it had happened, she was feeling particularly upset about the "split" and had been living with regret for a while and was trying to find a way to broach the subject with me about working on things but she felt ashamed after causing so much upheaval. She claims that I had gone to the house to collect the kids, and I was particularly indifferent towards her. She said she had gotten dressed earlier than normal to attempt to impress me with what she as wearing and I ignored her apparently (why wouldn't I, I was trying to be strong etc). She said she went out and drowned her sorrows, said she felt distracted by relationship problem and just kept drinking until she could barely stand up. She said she felt it was over for good and she had messed everything up, my indifference made her feel like I didn't care. She said this kiss just seemed to happen out of the blue after chatting to this guy for a minute or two at the bar. Says she instantly regretted it and it made her feel sick. Doesn't know his name, had never spoken to him before and says she felt disgusting straight after. She says she honestly cannot remember how it happened, just that one minute she was stood at the bar drunk talking to this stranger, and the next they were kissing. She says it was stupid and immature but she barely remembers the build up at all. She admitted the guy had propositioned her to go back to his place "later" and she said no, then tells me he became arrogant and put her down saying she doesn't know how lucky she is etc. She told me he was full of himself and she walked away and mocked him to her friends. She assured me that was it and she is embarrassed about it. She insists she wouldn't have even considered more after being together with me for 20 years, married and only 8 weeks into a split she was regretting. She said she was barely even eating...

She said she wants to forget it and has done, leave it in the past. She is embarrassed about it and sorry for the pain it caused. She is happy, and says the last 6 months together has been so good, and she is very optimistic about our future and just hopes we can move forward.

I believe her.

Thank you for the advice, and I apologise for being a twat with some of you in here. I do.

Edited

Hopefully you can quiet your thoughts now. This conversation should have happened a lot earlier.

NZDreaming · 11/04/2025 18:50

@BoldRobin in the OP you said the kiss r her friends brother at her friends party but now she’s saying she was at a bar and doesn’t know this guys name. Did her story change? Obviously you may have changed some details for anonymity but just want to make sure she’s being truthful.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 12/04/2025 00:27

NZDreaming · 11/04/2025 18:50

@BoldRobin in the OP you said the kiss r her friends brother at her friends party but now she’s saying she was at a bar and doesn’t know this guys name. Did her story change? Obviously you may have changed some details for anonymity but just want to make sure she’s being truthful.

No it didn't change. The "bar" was at the party, as in the place you walk up to to buy your drink...

She confirms it was her friends brother but maintains she still doesn't know his name. Says she didn't even know her friend had a brother until she was told that who it was. Says she doesn't have a name and says she was so drunk she wouldn't know what he looked like.

I need to stop nitpicking at details. I believe her. She got paralytic and snogged an also drunken rando at a party and feels like an idiot for it. No sense me punishing us both any further.

I've annoyed myself for far too long about it. Want to forget it and I intend to

OP posts:
PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 12/04/2025 01:02

@BoldRobin that was a great conversation and much overdue, I think op. I'm really glad for you and I hope you feel you can move on from it now? It sounds like you both have a strong foundation in your marriage which will be stronger still for overcoming your recent troubles.

I really wish you both all the best :)

NZDreaming · 12/04/2025 08:30

@BoldRobin thats entirely fair and hopefully now you’ve talked it through you can move on.

Waterbaby41 · 07/10/2025 13:14

BoldRobin · 12/04/2025 00:27

No it didn't change. The "bar" was at the party, as in the place you walk up to to buy your drink...

She confirms it was her friends brother but maintains she still doesn't know his name. Says she didn't even know her friend had a brother until she was told that who it was. Says she doesn't have a name and says she was so drunk she wouldn't know what he looked like.

I need to stop nitpicking at details. I believe her. She got paralytic and snogged an also drunken rando at a party and feels like an idiot for it. No sense me punishing us both any further.

I've annoyed myself for far too long about it. Want to forget it and I intend to

Show quote history

As someone who has been in a similar position, you have a choice. You can forgive, which means taking a conscious decision to do so - and forget - which is much harder. I chose to forgive, and metaphorically put the incident in a box and shut the lid to help me forget. Still together, box has now been opened as found no need to keep it. Good luck with your marriage - sounds worth fighting for.

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