Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She insists it wasn't cheating, but it still really hurt and I am struggling move on. Help!

208 replies

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 21:00

I will try and keep this brief. We are currently "happy" and working on our marriage after both getting a taste of losing each other after separating for 2.5 months last year (her decision). Our marriage was complicated, financial infidelity on her part, and a lack of resolution at the time lead to conflict, depression (on her part) and we split. It only last just over 2 months before we eventually worked on things. It has been 6 months we have been "back together". I love her, she is the mother of my kids, my wife and we have been together for over 20 years. I never wanted the separation, she knew all the way through I was ready to work on things. I feel this is important...

When we had the talk about reconciling, I asked her "tell me nothing happened with anyone whilst we were apart" (she was going to friends parties etc) and she immediately confessed to getting drunk and snogging her friends brother at her friends party, just 3 nights prior. She said it was horrible, she instantly felt remorse and found it to just be happening after chatting to him at the bar for a minute or two. She says it was at the end of the night, she pulled away and that was that. She insists (she would) that it was 2 seconds of a mistake, was disgusting and that it "wasn't a long passionate kiss", and reminded me that "we weren't together".

My problems are as follows. Number 1, I can't get it out of my mind, even after 6 months, and things have been good. Is there something wrong with me? The way I see it, how could she? If she means what she says now and she never felt right apart, how could she do that? At the time I was looking after our children whilst she was doing this, heartbroken to put it bluntly. Secondly, I feel guilty for doubting it was "just a kiss". Her language I feel is pure minimalisation, and I dread something more happening. I dread it because it would destroy us, and I couldn't forgive it, so I have buried it due to lack of evidence, benefit of the doubt and a deep down disbelief in her ability to go that far, no matter how drunk.

What bothers me is how it happened? For two people to snog, they have to be close enough. What signals did she give? What did she say? What did he say? Did she really just walk away and carry on dancing with her friends after as she claims? Why tell me if it was "just a horrible 2 second thing" and we weren't together?

I am terrified she has been dishonest. Even if she hasn't it still hurts me to picture my wife kissing another guy like that, drunk or not. Do you think its cheating? I was emotionally invested in us, and she knows I was. She says it meant nothing and she thought we might never get back together. She admits to being ridiculous and wreckless in the moment and is remorseful.

She says she wants us to work and HAS made great effort in the relationship since we got back together, everything is really strong, its just this niggling thing. She says being apart made her realise how good we are and how theres so much worth fighting for. She tells me she loves me and never wants to separate again and has committed to better communication and effort.

Am I pathetic? Should I drop it? Should it matter? I need to stop ruminating. I don't want us to end, but I need the doubt to stop. Its hounding me.

Is my gut feeling that more happened (despite her insisting it didn't and "I wouldn't have done that so soon into a separation after 20 years, what do you take me for?!", or am I just struggling with trust after the financial infidelity and being dumped? I just feel like I am on shaky ground. I love the woman and I want it to work so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:09

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 07/04/2025 23:05

I’m not sticking the boot in, I’m digging into what you’re actually saying to suggest that your fixation on this one incident where your wife did nothing wrong (rather than the gambling addiction which actually did destroy your marriage, which involved enormous amounts of deceit yet you seem to be able to brush past that?) suggests you are not able to move past it until she somehow atones, or makes you feel better about it. That’s punishment, whether you recognise it or not.

Marriage counselling for the things that led to the break up would help.

CBT to stop the intrusive thoughts about the kiss might also help you.

But IMO you want her to know you’re hurt and you want her to take some of that pain away by taking it on. AKA punishment.

Show quote history

No. I don't want to punish her. I don't feel she has anything to atone for. It just hurt and it still is. I have not once said its her problem to solve. I forgave the gambling because addiction isn't as simple as just deceiving someone, and believe me that took some time for me to not just feel betrayed. It took a lot of time and a lot of pain.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 07/04/2025 23:10

BellissimoGecko · 07/04/2025 21:16

Why did you ask if you didn’t want to hear the truth? That was stupid.

Sounds like you don’t trust her. it’s not normal to torment yourself by thinking constantly of what night have happened. She’s your wife, you have been together 20 years, you were separated at the time.

either move on or split up.

I wondered that. By asking that question you’ve ruined any trust that could have been rebuilt. But you weren’t together so technically it was a drunken snog and she needed some male attention. I’d suggest counselling before you destroy yourself and your relationship .

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:14

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2025 23:10

I wondered that. By asking that question you’ve ruined any trust that could have been rebuilt. But you weren’t together so technically it was a drunken snog and she needed some male attention. I’d suggest counselling before you destroy yourself and your relationship .

Show quote history

How have I ruined the trust? I did nothing wrong, I didn't deceive anyone or do anything that ended up hurting her? Should the onus be on me here? I am confused.

OP posts:
FeatherChops · 07/04/2025 23:17

I want to sympathise with you but I find myself falling on the side of your wife. All this intense, protracted insecurity is so deeply off putting and that’s just reading about it! You sound suffocating and stifling and I can just imagine you going in and on about your hurty feelz to your wife who’s probably just had enough now

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FeatherChops · 07/04/2025 23:21

Blimey. You’re clearly extremely overwrought. I’m not mocking you - I’m telling you - on an open forum - bluntly what I think of your intense actions towards your wife.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:22

FeatherChops · 07/04/2025 23:21

Blimey. You’re clearly extremely overwrought. I’m not mocking you - I’m telling you - on an open forum - bluntly what I think of your intense actions towards your wife.

"Hurty feelz" and then painting a picture of me going "on and on" to her suffocating. Don't be an AH

OP posts:
FeatherChops · 07/04/2025 23:25

I’ll say what I want tbh. You’ve come into a predominately female occupied space with your really OTT controlling language and asked for opinions. I’ve given mine.

dunno what AH and FU means btw. Maybe you’ll have to spell it out ..

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2025 23:26

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:14

How have I ruined the trust? I did nothing wrong, I didn't deceive anyone or do anything that ended up hurting her? Should the onus be on me here? I am confused.

Show quote history

Sorry I meant she could have been rebuilding trust after deceiving you with the gambling but the snog hasn’t helped… however in my mind it probably meant nothing and she liked the attention (as she was technically single)
i hope you can work things out and move past it. Maybe CBT might help

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:27

FeatherChops · 07/04/2025 23:25

I’ll say what I want tbh. You’ve come into a predominately female occupied space with your really OTT controlling language and asked for opinions. I’ve given mine.

dunno what AH and FU means btw. Maybe you’ll have to spell it out ..

I know it's female dominated. That's why I came, for a different perspective. I've had some really invaluable advice, and some really unhelpful, pointless barbs.

OP posts:
Borrowandmiss · 07/04/2025 23:28

OP, your emotions are completely understandable. Read other threads on here about this kind of betrayal. Some posters will always find fault with the man even though he has done nothing wrong.
It is always interesting when a poster asks for help over a wife’s behaviour and there is a big pile on until it becomes clear that it is a same sex relationship and then there is a lot of back peddling.
You sound like a great guy and your wife seems to have had a bit of a personal crisis. In the end she chose you. Her behaviour made her realise that she needs and wants you. If she cannot reassure you in her words and deeds then you may feel that the trust has gone. Try reminding yourself all the time that she chose you.
Good luck. I hope you find peace and security once more in your marriage.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:29

SunflowerTed · 07/04/2025 23:26

Sorry I meant she could have been rebuilding trust after deceiving you with the gambling but the snog hasn’t helped… however in my mind it probably meant nothing and she liked the attention (as she was technically single)
i hope you can work things out and move past it. Maybe CBT might help

Show quote history

I really want it to work. I love her and I'm committed. I am in CBT for something else but I will definitely bring it up. I've been apprehensive about mentioning it in my CBT, I guess trying to keep it buried. Might need to be honest with myself, I'm not past it. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:31

Borrowandmiss · 07/04/2025 23:28

OP, your emotions are completely understandable. Read other threads on here about this kind of betrayal. Some posters will always find fault with the man even though he has done nothing wrong.
It is always interesting when a poster asks for help over a wife’s behaviour and there is a big pile on until it becomes clear that it is a same sex relationship and then there is a lot of back peddling.
You sound like a great guy and your wife seems to have had a bit of a personal crisis. In the end she chose you. Her behaviour made her realise that she needs and wants you. If she cannot reassure you in her words and deeds then you may feel that the trust has gone. Try reminding yourself all the time that she chose you.
Good luck. I hope you find peace and security once more in your marriage.

Thank you so much. Honestly. She is putting in so much effort. I don't resent her, I just still hurt from it. I know it's mostly about my pride perhaps and unhealthy stuff on my part, but it just does hurt. Your comment and perspective really helps. She chose us.

OP posts:
PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 23:31

Mumsnet isn't known for its softly-softly approach, blunt opinions and advice will be found on every thread here.

The poster isn't attacking you, I understand you're feeling sensitive but you're taking the posts of someone on the Internet far too personally. They're giving their frank advice, you might not like it but that doesn't give you an excuse to be abusive to them in return.

MiniLights · 07/04/2025 23:32

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:06

I am controlling because the fact my wife and partner of 20 years was intimate with another person within 8 weeks of separating when she claims she hoped we would sort things out? What part of it is controlling? I am hurt by her actions, I didn't stop her. Are blokes not allowed to be affected by things without being labelled controlling? We wonder why men don't open up.

I have already said defiance was the wrong word.

Get over it? I guarantee you wouldn't be so blase if this was your own relationship. If you say you could just get over it, you're lying.

Edited
Show quote history

YOU WERE ON A BREAK!

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:33

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 07/04/2025 23:31

Mumsnet isn't known for its softly-softly approach, blunt opinions and advice will be found on every thread here.

The poster isn't attacking you, I understand you're feeling sensitive but you're taking the posts of someone on the Internet far too personally. They're giving their frank advice, you might not like it but that doesn't give you an excuse to be abusive to them in return.

I accept that. However I get the feeling they can take it as good as they give it. They're blunt, so can I be. I'm not perfect, I'm not here to be liked.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:35

MiniLights · 07/04/2025 23:32

YOU WERE ON A BREAK!

Show quote history

Yes Ross, we were, but this doesn't stop it being painful. I love her, fully. Now I have mental images of someone I have loved for over 20 years I really don't want. I'm human. I feel what I feel. I guess that makes me a controlling guy, for having emotions and giving a shit.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 07/04/2025 23:36

Hmm.

wandawaves · 07/04/2025 23:40

You weren't together.

Lillibridge · 07/04/2025 23:40

Personally, I'd forget about the kiss. She was drunk, out with her friends. She had the honesty to tell you when you asked. That's worth a lot. I'd k8ck into the long grass and son't let ot hinder rebuilding your marriage.

MiniLights · 07/04/2025 23:40

Stop whining. Stop the self-pity. It's all about you. The language you use is insufferable. Even saying your wife is "putting in so much effort" is about you.

I suggest you tell your CBT therapist about this so you do get some help.

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:41

Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me some much needed advice. It's been a mixed bag. I realise my attitude isn't healthy, that's why I came here.

Not being together at the time doesn't not mean it doesn't hurt. I know saying "you weren't together it's none of your business" makes you come across strong and stoic, but you're just lying to yourselves. It would bother every single person here if in my boat.

I love the woman, entirely. I will work as hard as I can to move on. I will definitely broach the subject with my therapist.

I want to put it in the past. She has made so much effort in this last few months.

I am sorry for snapping at some of you. I've had a hell of a year and I'm not entirely stable. It's no excuse.

Peace.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 07/04/2025 23:41

BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:29

I really want it to work. I love her and I'm committed. I am in CBT for something else but I will definitely bring it up. I've been apprehensive about mentioning it in my CBT, I guess trying to keep it buried. Might need to be honest with myself, I'm not past it. Thanks

Show quote history

I’d mention it in CBT. You’ve been through a lot and who wouldn’t feel vulnerable and insecure after being dumped??? Will take time

Original poster
BoldRobin · 07/04/2025 23:42

MiniLights · 07/04/2025 23:40

Stop whining. Stop the self-pity. It's all about you. The language you use is insufferable. Even saying your wife is "putting in so much effort" is about you.

I suggest you tell your CBT therapist about this so you do get some help.

Oh piss off. Haha

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread