She insists it wasn't cheating, but it still really hurt and I am struggling move on. Help!

[BoldRobin]

I will try and keep this brief. We are currently "happy" and working on our marriage after both getting a taste of losing each other after separating for 2.5 months last year (her decision). Our marriage was complicated, financial infidelity on her part, and a lack of resolution at the time lead to conflict, depression (on her part) and we split. It only last just over 2 months before we eventually worked on things. It has been 6 months we have been "back together". I love her, she is the mother of my kids, my wife and we have been together for over 20 years. I never wanted the separation, she knew all the way through I was ready to work on things. I feel this is important...

When we had the talk about reconciling, I asked her "tell me nothing happened with anyone whilst we were apart" (she was going to friends parties etc) and she immediately confessed to getting drunk and snogging her friends brother at her friends party, just 3 nights prior. She said it was horrible, she instantly felt remorse and found it to just be happening after chatting to him at the bar for a minute or two. She says it was at the end of the night, she pulled away and that was that. She insists (she would) that it was 2 seconds of a mistake, was disgusting and that it "wasn't a long passionate kiss", and reminded me that "we weren't together".

My problems are as follows. Number 1, I can't get it out of my mind, even after 6 months, and things have been good. Is there something wrong with me? The way I see it, how could she? If she means what she says now and she never felt right apart, how could she do that? At the time I was looking after our children whilst she was doing this, heartbroken to put it bluntly. Secondly, I feel guilty for doubting it was "just a kiss". Her language I feel is pure minimalisation, and I dread something more happening. I dread it because it would destroy us, and I couldn't forgive it, so I have buried it due to lack of evidence, benefit of the doubt and a deep down disbelief in her ability to go that far, no matter how drunk.

What bothers me is how it happened? For two people to snog, they have to be close enough. What signals did she give? What did she say? What did he say? Did she really just walk away and carry on dancing with her friends after as she claims? Why tell me if it was "just a horrible 2 second thing" and we weren't together?

I am terrified she has been dishonest. Even if she hasn't it still hurts me to picture my wife kissing another guy like that, drunk or not. Do you think its cheating? I was emotionally invested in us, and she knows I was. She says it meant nothing and she thought we might never get back together. She admits to being ridiculous and wreckless in the moment and is remorseful.

She says she wants us to work and HAS made great effort in the relationship since we got back together, everything is really strong, its just this niggling thing. She says being apart made her realise how good we are and how theres so much worth fighting for. She tells me she loves me and never wants to separate again and has committed to better communication and effort.

Am I pathetic? Should I drop it? Should it matter? I need to stop ruminating. I don't want us to end, but I need the doubt to stop. Its hounding me.

Is my gut feeling that more happened (despite her insisting it didn't and "I wouldn't have done that so soon into a separation after 20 years, what do you take me for?!", or am I just struggling with trust after the financial infidelity and being dumped? I just feel like I am on shaky ground. I love the woman and I want it to work so badly.

Sending best wishes and hope things work out for you both

Sorry to derail but what’s a t**r?

Possibly tosser?

Ahh

It’s entirely possible for someone to get drunk and have a snog that meant nothing. It’s also possible to feel at a low ebb and unlike you, not eating, she may have felt like a flirt and a snog would help her to feel less low.

Really though, you shouldn’t have asked if you would have issues accepting she had done anything. You also had no right to ask her or to know. We don’t own people and when not with us (whether before they got into a relationship with us or during a break etc), they are not cheating and there is nothing wrong with them kissing or even sleeping with someone else). Sometimes it can be a test to see how it feels with someone else, to reinforce how much our relationship/marriage is worth fighting for.

Maybe you’re annoyed that the break didn’t leave her as broken as it did you. Did you expect that she would be unable to eat and come running back with her tail between her legs? That’s not healthy. That saying about setting someone free and if they’re right for you , they come back to us, is how it should be. Not just because they’re broken without you and can’t live alone. That would be so much worse. Are you worried that you couldn’t function without her but maybe she could without you? That’s no reflection on whether you’re right for each other. It’s actually more a sign that you probably need to work on your self esteem and being your own person. You want to want her but not need her and same the other way around. Neediness is not attractive and nor is controlling (which asking her about what she on a break is). People deserve a private life when they’re not in a relationship with you.

It’s interesting that, as soon as you got an answer you perceived as unsympathetic and “mocking”, you went straight to name calling.

I wonder if loss of face is a big deal for you? Pride can be spiky.

It's interesting is it? Is it really? Are you really interested? Get a life

I am/was married to her. We had been apart for 8 weeks in a period of 20 years. This notion I had "no right" to know or ask if she had been involved with other men in that time during a separation I didn't want is absolutely mind boggling, and complete cuckoo land. I had a right to know, I had a right to know so I could decide whether I wanted to work on things or not. Men are entitled to their own boundaries believe it or not. If she'd have slept with anyone or gone beyond a drunken kiss with anyone within weeks, I'd would have been curtains. If that makes me controlling then I have absolutely nothing to say.

And this, my friend, is who you really are. Underneath all the many words.

Wow, I was about to give you a thoughtful, maybe helpful response as someone who has been through infidelity but given how you've responded here you can jog on. What made you come to mumsnet, a community of women, for advice? Did you think you'd be coddled?

Stick your thoughtful advice. It's so toxic here, unbelievable

Is it really? You've offered nothing but to poke and try to provoke a reaction on an online forum on a subject that's problematic for me. I gave you exactly what you wanted with my reaction to your provocation, so just be happy and move along.

No, the behaviour from you now is toxic. Reactive and angry if things aren’t going your way. Abusive man in a nutshell.

What have I said that you’ve interpreted as “trying to provoke a reaction”?

I have:
Suggested counselling
Suggested that if you can’t move past this issue, you end the relationship
Wondered if hurt pride is an issue for you

I haven’t been rude or inflammatory.

I'm not going to apologise for speaking my mind and standing up for myself. If you can't take it, don't give it. It's a huge leap to label me an abusive man for reacting negatively to negative comments. If that's true then this thread is full of abusive women. One commenter started talking about my wife fucking multiple dudes. How disgusting, and how did it help? Something wrong with you all, it's like you get a kick out of trying to make a bloke squirm. Not stood for it, therefore I must be abusive.

@BoldRobin to stop ruminating, one tip is to step back from the troublesome thought. See it as an observer: “oh there it is. So familiar” and watch it move away. Don’t hold onto it or feed it, just notice it and let it move away.

You may find meditations helpful, there are apps that have good free ones.

I would see it as she snogged someone else, had a look at whats out there and she still decided to come back to you. A break could easily have turned into a divorce.

She is probably telling the truth in that part of her hoped it would work out with you but no-one takes a relationship break if there wasn’t a chance the marriage would fail. So I would perhaps think about how you are going to let this go. If Dh kissed someone else on a break I would be upset but if he still came home afterwards I would do my best to get past it. Honestly, it could have been way worse, she could have just left.

But I don’t consider even sex on a break cheating (though still very upsetting). I wouldn’t like it but she chose you. She could have decided to choose something or someone else. If she’s very attractive I’m sure there would have plenty of options out there for her. You need to get over it otherwise it will fester away.

I would predict that your reconciliation will fail. You asked DW if something happened while separated. She immediately told you that she kissed another man. Now you are holding it against her and it sounds as though you intend to do so forever. No-one else can make you forget it or choose to ignore it, only you can do that and it doesn't sound as though you actually want to.

I do want to. I am not holding it against her, but I am being honest. It disturbs me. I have asked earlier on of there is something wrong with me? It's not as though I've been here accusing her of anything or resenting her. I'm questioning my own feelings but I've been accused of navel gazing and being controlling. I am so confused. I do want to move on, I am here because I'm trying but it's pecking at me

Thank you. If DH has kissed someone else within 8 weeks of a split he initiated, mere months after discovering he had been hiding financial trouble from you for years would you maybe have trust issues and that kiss become more of a problem than it otherwise would have been? That's the thing I feel people are missing. It's not as though a kiss happened and I'm overreacting, it's loaded. The financial infidelity rocked our foundations. It's why we split essentially. Trust was damaged, a kiss happened very soon after the split and I'm supposed to be controlling for it bothering me?

An ex was constantly accusing me of cheating (I wasn't, his ex had and he had trust issues) so right before I dumped him I snogged a bloke in a bar. If I was being accused anyway, I might as well and in my mind it was over.

Genuinely meant nothing to me. Never saw that guy again, didn't want to.

If she thought it was over with you, she'd had a few drinks and was feeling low, it might have just happened in an attempt to feel better about herself. If she says it meant nothing to her, and you're confident she wants to work on things, I would choose to believe her.

There is nothing wrong with a single women snogging someone at a party.

Being depressed and gambling are things she needed help with. The separation is because she wasn't happy at the time. The kiss is none of your business because it happened while you weren't together so loyalty isn't necessary at that time. All of your feelings are about you, if you are working on your marriage its probably better to stop feeling like a victim and attempt to make her feel better about being with you instead. Many of your comments to women on here are are rude. The picture I'm getting of you reading it is that you are unstable and have anger issues. Tell me to get a life too if it makes you feel better, but I say this from a happy place and i have a good life and I would never hurt anyone deliberately for my own satisfaction.

If you go off the deep end over something a stranger has written in a mumsnet forum, your male ego is indeed fragile. I gave genuine advice. If you can’t pick those out and ignore the rest, then I imagine you are emotionally reactive in real life too. Which often leads to abuse. That’s it

I also think you should take the word 'infidelity' away from the gambling. It was wrong for her to hide this problem from you if course but if you view it this way its going to continue to destroy you. Your wife was depressed. Gambling/drinking/drugs etc are signs of poor mental health. Infidelity is a strong word. You are making everything a personal hit towards you rather than attempting to help your wife.