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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

224 replies

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 20:53

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

OP posts:
Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 21/03/2025 20:55

You already know the answer. Ask yourself why he's lying. You've caught him out.

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 20:58

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 21/03/2025 20:55

You already know the answer. Ask yourself why he's lying. You've caught him out.

Well this is the issue…and the more I question him the more he turns it around me. He even said “you need to get out more of your dwelling on this” Well I would be if I wasn’t supporting his career whilst looking after our children. I’m so exhausted.
But yes, I know deep down I’ve caught him lying. God knows why he’s so mad as he travels around the world with different females so it’s not like I’m not used to him having dinner out with other woman. And that is why I’m questioning why he didn’t divulge this female?

OP posts:
Plmii · 21/03/2025 21:00

So your husband assaulted you when you questioned his lie?
Have you contacted the police and reported the assault?
Reporthim to the police.

DorothyStorm · 21/03/2025 21:00

He physically assaulted you when you had proof he was lying?

thistimelastweek · 21/03/2025 21:02

The gaslighting is bad.
Kicking you is the stuff of divorce.

perfectcolourfound · 21/03/2025 21:03

He assaulted you. He lied to you repeatedly. He's likely cheated, as otherwise no need to lie.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 21/03/2025 21:06

You need to start digging....
Either for other things that don't add up.
Or a patio...

SwerveCity · 21/03/2025 21:08

He assaulted you when you confronted him about his lies. You need to leave for you and your children’s sake.

madaffodil · 21/03/2025 21:08

You know he is lying and he's been caught out in a lie, and he knows you know. But instead of admitting it, he has got angry with you and is twisting it round to try and make you doubt yourself.

That is called gaslighting.

carrotsandtomatoes · 21/03/2025 21:09

He KICKED you????

NormasArse · 21/03/2025 21:10

carrotsandtomatoes · 21/03/2025 21:09

He KICKED you????

Exactly what I was about to type.

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 21:10

So when he was kicking me I actually went to grab my phone (for protection) and as I tried to dial someone he grabbed it out my hand and threw it. To be honest I’m not sure id have gone ahead and rang anyone anyway as I know it would blow his world up if I did. However, today I’m wondering why I care if his world explodes. I suppose I’m also worried about breaking our family up for the children’s sake.
I’ve got several bruises today and I have taken photos of them, as proof. If o ever get brave enough to leave him. This isn’t the first time he’s attacked me.
I feel so weak just writing that.
I love him so much and don’t know I can do this life without him. He’s very successful and reminds weekly that he is. I suppose over the years my worth as been reduced to nothing.

OP posts:
JenniferAnistonForReals · 21/03/2025 21:10

This isn’t how relationships should be. And it’s only now I’m out of an awful one that I can say, with real conviction, that it’s better to be on your own. I was so used to feeling terrible that it just became my normal. It shouldn’t have been and it shouldn’t be yours either.

Whether he’s cheated or not, he’s lied, assaulted you and tried to make you think you’re the problem. You deserve a better life than this.

Sulu17 · 21/03/2025 21:11

Do you work, OP? I think you need to start formulating a plan to leave. You have been assaulted as well as lied to.

madaffodil · 21/03/2025 21:11

He's vile. You need to think about what to do next.

JenniferAnistonForReals · 21/03/2025 21:13

I promise you’re not weak. It takes a huge amount of strength to show up for life and be a mum when you’re being treated so appallingly. It’s strong and it’s exhausting. You really do deserve so much better.

Plmii · 21/03/2025 21:13

So your children and you live with a violent abuser?
Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.
You all deserve better.

MsAmerica · 21/03/2025 21:14

Are you familiar with the term "gaslighting"?

Are you familiar with the punchline, "Who are you gong to believe - me, or your lying eyes?"

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 21:16

Sulu17 · 21/03/2025 21:11

Do you work, OP? I think you need to start formulating a plan to leave. You have been assaulted as well as lied to.

I do work but I’m on minimum wage. I have no money left by the end of the month. He warns £75k and he’s dreadful with money so we don’t live a fancy lifestyle. Although we don’t go without as he spends money like water out of a tap.
I was actually thinking earlier I need to find a better paid job. I really need to find a course or something to give me a better chance of finding something well paid. For my own freedom.

OP posts:
Justwrong68 · 21/03/2025 21:17

He may have lied because he thought you’d assume something was going on between him and the woman. But the kicking is unforgivable!

Clarice99 · 21/03/2025 21:18

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 21:10

So when he was kicking me I actually went to grab my phone (for protection) and as I tried to dial someone he grabbed it out my hand and threw it. To be honest I’m not sure id have gone ahead and rang anyone anyway as I know it would blow his world up if I did. However, today I’m wondering why I care if his world explodes. I suppose I’m also worried about breaking our family up for the children’s sake.
I’ve got several bruises today and I have taken photos of them, as proof. If o ever get brave enough to leave him. This isn’t the first time he’s attacked me.
I feel so weak just writing that.
I love him so much and don’t know I can do this life without him. He’s very successful and reminds weekly that he is. I suppose over the years my worth as been reduced to nothing.

He'd be responsible for the fall out if you call anyone/the police, not you.

HE assaulted YOU. You did nothing to warrant being assaulted. That's all on him.

He's a liar, a cheat and he's violent - essentially, he's scum. You need to call the police. Additionally, please call Women's Aid.

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 21:19

Thank you all, by the way, for your messages. You are all so right. I know I have to leave yet I feel frozen. Like I’ve no backbone to make that first step.
I actually tried to live chat with Womans Aid earlier but they closed whilst I had as waiting 😭

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 21/03/2025 21:20

He's crushing you so you feel worthless and don't realise he is an inadequate man. You can do so much better and you can totally manage without him. Just leave the cheating, lying, abusive and violent arsehole. He's the one who has broken the family home. Not you.

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 21:21

For context I’m very close to my mum and sister, but again I know that would be the final straw if I told them and again I’m so frightened of admitting the situation.
I’m also scared of how he twist everything once I leave. He blames me for everything.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 21/03/2025 21:22

OP, This is shocking to read. He is a vile bully who has physically assaulted you, and not for the first time. You have children, how old are they and have they ever witnessed him treating you so aggressively? As a pp said, please contact Women's Aid for advice and support. You need to separate from him and they will help you.

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