Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

He kicked you. It is not the first time he has attacked you. And you think your sister would rather go for lunch than listen to you telling the truth for the first time about your relationship? I honestly think you are making another excuse so that you don't have to do it. You KNOW she would rather hear you tell her the truth than worry about a lunch. Just DO IT!

OP please stop minimising this, I can’t believe you won’t tell your sister as it will “ruin her lunch” I know she would much rather you tell her the truth so she can support you. You are a priority.

OP your lovely kickass sister would be mortified if she knew you kept quiet about being assaulted because she's got a lunch planned!
Remember your DC may well have heard what happened. Please don't delay getting help.

Slow hand clap for excellent example of victim-blaming and DARVO.
Do you pull legs off spiders in your spare time?

A few hours will not make any difference to this.
I can perfectly understand her consideration of her sisters special lunch.

Her sister would likely cancel, but the OP would prefer her not to do that.
She doesn't need the guilt of it.
Its not a monthly local lunch but a special one.

Good morning, OP. I just want to say that there is no weakness in not being able to leave right now. It is easy as an outsider to say, “get out.” But when you’re the person in the situation, it’s not that straightforward. I promise I know (it took me four years, I wish I’d left sooner, but I was a shadow of the person I am now.)

Do please talk to someone when you can though. A friend, Woman’s Aid, a member of your family. I felt very ashamed of myself, as though I’d somehow let it all happen. I was also terrified of how I would cope, but so much of that was because my self-worth was beyond low, from being in that awful situation. It hasn’t all been sunshine since I left and the early days were frightening. But I can honestly say that I’m thriving now. I’m no longer scared in my own home. I’m not tip-toeing around someone else’s anger. Freedom feels good.

I wish you all the very best. Keep talking on here if you’re not quite ready in real life. Each small step is still a step forward and I hope one day, you’ll feel proud of yourself for how strong you are.

You really do deserve better.

Kicking though 😢
Oh Lovely, you really do need to leave.
His violence towards you is getting worse and will just continue to escalate.
Make sure you send those photos to your sister or somewhere he can't delete them if he gets hold of your phone.
He is not worthy of you.

Seeing the gp as a first step is a good idea, and getting the bruises on your record.

Totally understand about you feeling frozen and not ready to call the police. Its a big step. But do see the gp, do try Womens Aid again when you are able, and keep posting here. These are all smaller steps which will help to build up your confidence, help you find support, and get your life back on track.
It takes some people months or years to act. But each step you take is a step forward. Well done for posting this thread and starting to see what is happening to you.
Best of luck. .

Yet another my husband works away a lot thread. We all know how these go.

OP, he is having an affair. You know it. He kicked you that is Domestic Violence. He's a cheating wife-kicking arsehole. Get out now.

You might think you are being weak but you have the power to explode his world

For all his attacks and gaslighting he knows you have the power to end his whole carefully constructed facade. He is scared so he goes on the attack.

Whilst you might love this man, you have to ask the questions

Does he really love you?

Would you like your dc to end up in this situation either as the one kicking and attacking or the one being kicked or attacked?

Remember in divorce, financially, everything can be considered a marital asset including any pension, investments, equity in the house, cars, even jewellery and watches.
All have a value to be split. Whilst the starting point is 50/50 because of the DV and the fact he can’t have the dc 50/50 because of his work travel then you could get 60 or even 70% of everything.

Document everything, get copies of his bank statements to show his profligacy with money and get his pension statements, wage slips and any other money he has in investments etc
Then use it to protect your dc from living through all this.
They will know about the DV already. No house unless you live in some huge country estate is that soundproof that they can’t hear what is going on

Wow! Way to miss the whole point 🙄 Have you actually read ANY of the OP's updates???

Hi OP,
I agree with your plan to do the grey rock thing for now. Give yourself time to build a plan and an escape fund, but only if he is not violent as a matter of course.
You can see how your isolation has enabled him to take advantage, and how sharing on Mumsnet has made you aware these are common tactics from abusive men.
You are amazing, you are strong, you can rebuild, and with dignity take him down on the way.
Good luck! I managed to escape from something similar, and I was told I had made everything up too. Took a while though 😬

Hold your head high, @Elmer83. We see the pattern of behaviour:

• Not being present in the relationship: failing to check in on you when his workday ended.
• Ending the call to you after you asked who the woman was, leaving you feeling confused and emotionally unsafe.
• Outright lying about who he ate with.
• When challenged on the lie, becoming angry and violent.
• Instead of being filled with horror at himself, and remorse, doubling down, remaining angry and calling you crazy.

These are all typical forms of emotional and physical abuse. If he married you, he promised to love and cherish you. This behaviour isn’t how you love and cherish. He’s broken his vows. He’s not safe to be with, emotionally or physically.

It’s really irrelevant what did or didn’t happen with the woman.

The only way he could come back from how he’s behaved would be to very quickly own this behaviour, genuinely feel terrible, apologise in words and deeds, take active steps to prevent himself behaving like this again (e.g. therapy) and start putting in the work to rebuild trust. As he hasn’t done this, he’s effectively ended the relationship.

You don’t need to. He’s already done it.

As it’s over, what you now need to do is protect yourself and your DC and plan for your future without him. As you’re at risk of further emotional and physical abuse, take steps to make yourself safe. If he won’t leave the family home, can you and the kids? If not, do what you’re doing with grey rock. Avoid him as much as possible. Get safety advice from a domestic abuse charity.

You’re doing everything right so far. Tell someone closeby who loves you (your sister, as you plan), get evidence of the physical abuse (make the GP appointment - it’s in confidence), record all past abuse (physical and emotional) abuse you can remember, put all yours and the kids important documents (e.g. passports) in a safe place out of the house, start gathering evidence (e.g. on his finances) to support your divorce, make an appointment with a solicitor to get information on your rights and options that you can mull over. Information is power. You don’t have to act on it right away. This is all to protect yourself, take back control and prevent him causing any future harm to you and the DC.

It’s often strong and confident women who tolerate abuse, because they can’t believe it’s happening to someone like them. They’re positive problem solvers and think they can solve it. No one guesses. It’s often outwardly charming and likeable men who get away with abuse the longest. Because no one guesses. Abuse feels humiliating, which is why it’s so hard to admit.

But you shouldn’t feel humiliated. You are a good person. You’ve honoured your vows. You are strong. You’re not crazy. This isn’t acceptable. His actions aren’t the actions of someone who loves you. One little step at a time. But do keep yourself safe ❤️

Exh travelled the world as part of his job

I trusted him and have no reason to believe he ever did anything to break that trust

You don’t have to travel the world to have an affair. Just because someone comes home each evening doesn’t mean they aren’t shagging someone else

Thats normal lovely. You’ll start getting clearer and stronger. Keep talking and keep learning.

Why Does he Do that
dr Ramani - It’s not you. And her you tube videos.

you could call the police for anonymous advice? Or women’s aid.

Tell your sister. She won't care about her lunch compared to this.

Please tell the GP that you tried to go for help but he stopped you, took your phone from you and threw it away.

This is very very important to have noted by the GP.

Remember you will be entitled to Legal Aid if you report this assault.

Please try Women's aid too again.

He is a narcissist. Gaslights you verbally/emotionally/physically abuses you.Outside of the home he will appear the nicest of people,will help anyone especially his own family while all the while behind closed doors your walking on egg shells in a toxic environment. You convince yourself no one will believe you because of his image outside the home.Leave ASAP for you and your children's sake,you'll be relieved and happy.Good luck.

Totally this. I’ve learnt from experience when someone gets in an out of proportion rage when rationally questioned about something it’s a sure sign of guilt.

“I think he doth protest too much” syndrome.

OP, this 'dh' lied to you - indicating he's cheating. He became angry when questioned - indicating he's cheating. He's gaslighting you - indicating he's cheating. He physically assaulted you - doesn't matter whether he's cheating or not, you need to leave him now.

Tell your sister and all other friends and relatives. Gather your children and important documents. Leave.

OP, you're getting some really good advice here. MN can be an amazing place for support, you have an army behind you.

I'll reiterate it is SO important to go to your GP to get those bruises on record. Tell the GP also about him throwing away your phone when you tried to call for help. That also needs to be on record. The photos you may have of your bruises are not enough, it must be on an official record, otherwise it's a "he said, she said" and your narcissistic husband is a master at lying.

This will help you in the future.

1. Tell your sister TODAY. She will want to know!
2. GP appointment
3. Family solicitor appointment
4. Gather important documents (passports, wage slips, bank statements) and give to your sister or mother to keep safe out of your home.

I really hope you leave asap. He's a monster.

To all the people saying to go to the GP to record this: What if it's really hard to get a GP appointment in the first place? In my area you have to call at a specific 10 minute window where my husband is always around and you can't even get in for genuine medical problems. I can't even imagine going for something like this. I've been advised to do the same because of my husband but have no idea how to go about this. What magic thing does a GP do in this situation. I can just imagine they wouldn't be happy about it

Hi lovely, it’s really, really important that you understand you are not weak. It’s breaking my heart every time I read you saying that about yourself.

When I was in an abusive relationship it took me years to leave. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to cope without him. The thought of breaking up with him made me want to die. Yet I PROMISE that the minute I managed it the main feeling I felt was relief. It shocked me so much that I didn’t feel any of the grief I anticipated. Of course it wasn’t easy by any means, and it took me a while to overcome the trauma of it, but it was so different to how I thought it would be. There really is hope for you, I promise.

But before I got there, it took me a long, long time to build up to it. One thing I forced myself to do was take it a step at a time, so I could work up to eventually getting out but it never felt overwhelming so I didn’t get too scared. Like you, I hid how he was from family and friends because I knew they’d step in straight away if I told them and I was terrified of that because they’d force me to have to end it and I was scared to, plus the thought of all the drama made me feel sick. But please do know that they love you, so helping you won’t be an inconvenience that ruins their plans. They'll want to do everything they can.

Something strangely simple that I actually found to be a HUGE turning point was writing the message I would send to them if and when I felt ready and saving it in my notes app. I kept it simple, just along the lines of “I need to get out but I feel like I can’t. I need your help to do this.” Knowing it was there gave me a sense of relief because I knew as soon as I sent it they’d help, and it also helped me accept the reality of my situation and feel more ready to leave when I did send it.

Sorry this was such a ramble, but I wanted to let you know that it can be ok. Sending loads of love x