Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

You see, I wouldn’t want to be minutely questioned about a work dinner. But I also wouldn’t lie about who it was with.

that’s absolutely not the issue. He kicked you? That’s the issue. Jesus that’s the issue.

Any shame to be felt belongs only to the abuser. How a person responds to manipulation, gas lighting and abuse, which has likely occurred over a prolonged period of time, is also no reflection of the victim either, but purely a reflection of the skill of the abuser.

Yes, the shame is his and his alone. Nobody in the whole world would shame you for protecting yourself and your children from this arsehole a man.

This is it…I don’t ever minutely question his work activities but I clearly heard his colleague chatting with a woman in the background (again no issue) but when I asked he said there was no other colleague there which was the only reason I decided to clarify in later conversations that there was only him and Bob for dinner. No issue at all if another colleague that is female is with them. He knows that as I know it’s part of his job. So my worry came from lie after he accidentally showed the receipt.

Kicked you in a rage? Oh my god, please leave. It really doesn’t matter if there was a woman or not. What matters is that you are safe.

Dear OP, there is never, ever, just one kick. He has assaulted you once and he will assault you again. It will escalate I say this not to scare you but to make you realise you need to get away from him, with your children. You say you love him but that's just your lack of self-worth and your fear talking. Believe in yourself - we all believe in you on here. Every step you take away from this man will make you stronger. Phone Woman's Aid again; tell your mum and your sister; start living the life you deserve. You deserve better than this abuser.

OP training wise, I keep seeing adverts for universities and colleges advertising either free courses or nurseries on Facebook. I saw a free management course and a coding course so it's worth having a look to see what's out there.

Refuge is open for webchat till 10pm and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 24/7 if you can talk.

Unfortunately he's escalated to violence and he's not going to stop. You need to start putting a plan in place for your own safety and to leave.

This is correct, my parents thought I knew nothing of the domestic violence but I heard ot when I was in bed. I also felt the tension. It weren't until I was an adult I told them. They were very shocked and my mum still feels so bad that I was exposed to it. My dad initially tries to gaslight me, said it didn't happen and I was crazy. They split not long after that. I wished for them to split all through my childhood. All them wasted years in a miserable home. You are stronger than you think OP. Get ready to leave now, don't waste any more of your life putting up with abuse.

Honestly, thank you to everyone that has responded. I already feel like I’m not crazy!
As PP just said it is my lack of self worth making me feel this way and that is all down to him.
I‘’m going to go to bed now and I hope I will sleep a little better thanks to all you wonderful woman making me worthy!
I will see what tomorrow brings but I know I’m going to start to make a plan of escape xxx

Oh this is a real eye opener. So sorry you were exposed to that but thank you for sharing as it’s more than possible my very own children heard the abuse from last night. God that makes me so bloody sad for them. 😭

Wow..."kicking" ... what a bully 😡
Wish you'd kicked him back, right in the *s! (I know that's no answer, but grrrr)

Your children deserve better, this is no life for anyone.

That should say burseries.

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is all his.

You know you need to leave. If the violence has got worse in recent years, he could end up seriously hurting or killing you. Think about your children - they are not growing up in a happy safe household.

Please tell your mum and sister and get advice from Women's Aid. You are important and your safety and happiness matter. I know it's scary but please take that first step.

I'm sorry. But if it was innocent he'd have told you from the start.
Hes been caught out. He knows it and he's not happy about it.

Your story sounds so familiar guessing that’s a lot of other control manipulation gaslighting going on that you’re not even aware of. You’re probably so used to it. My ex used to do this leaving me thinking I was crazy and blaming me calling me crazy ,turned out he was lying about everything a complete narcissist Screwed me over completely and I threw him out wish I’d done it sooner tbh
staying with a guy like this it’s not only harmful for you and self belief but really harmful for children
Life is too short to put up with this kind of shit good luck OP dig deep find some strength and get the hell away from him. I would also report him for the abuse. You only have a six month window to do this. It’ll probably be important later.

He lied and then assaulted you?. Dude you can't let bairns grow up with you 2 together. It's over man, it's time to seperate.

I havent read all the responses so apologies if someone has already mentiond it but please give this a read of you can, even if its just the chapters about children. It explains far better than I can why your children are very likely to be better off of you leave. What he does to you he'll do to your children.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO#:~:text=In%20this%20groundbreaking%20bestseller%2C%20Lundy,free%20of%20an%20abusive%20relationship.

Wow I'm so shocked reading this thread. Just writing to send hugs to you OP and hope you are okay?
Hopefully you will find the strength to leave and can start healing.
He sounds like a prick - and to answer your original question absolutely I'd be furious and completley loose trust after that lie.

No she doesn't.

This man kicked her in anger, on purpose.
How is there anything else she needs to know?

Why would her finding something else out ( presumably cheating) be worse than him kicking her?

Oh my, that is a reason for a divorce.
He is deranged.

I haven't read everyone's comments but please make sure you at least tell someone close to you what is going on.

For your and your children’s sake: leave. Even if you’re only earning MW at the moment you’ll still be able to make ends meet. You’ll have access to some benefits, probably housing and child support as well. I raised DD mostly on MW after becoming a single parent and honestly… it was easier than with my ex. Even with almost no money, my life just felt lighter.

He is abusive and a cheater. The reason he went off on you is because he got caught so he’s trying to divert attention instead of owning up to it.

Is he blaming you by saying you need to get out more, as if to justify himself lying to you when you asked him a simple question? It’s his fault he’s lied not yours. Him kicking you is shocking behaviour. Are you sure you want to stick around ?
I’d be taking a break and having a some me time. You don’t need that in your life. You can’t lie then kick someone !!

Your husband is dangerous. The emotional abuse can be as bad as the physical abuse. I’m guessing there’s probably sexual abuse also.

It’s very common for abusers to cultivate a very respectable public face. Professionals who deal with abusers are adept at seeing through this.

It’s natural for you to hesitate in telling other people what is happening but it’s really important that you start planning your escape because your DCs will be losing out in being witness to such a dysfunctional relationship. It will be harming them. It’s best to go grey rock with your husband to the extent possible while you start planning your case. Don’t tell him what you’re planning.