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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

224 replies

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 20:53

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 22/03/2025 10:27

You've had some good advice here, haven't read all but saw all your updates

This whole "everyone loves him, he's a hero to his colleagues" thing.

I'd be wary of believing that. Sure, some might like him but I'd bet there are many that think he's a knob, you said yourself that your family see through him.

Remember, as long as people believe you're in a happy marriage they won't say negative things to your face. Also, you know he lies and gaslights.

I'm willing to bet that he's always full of stories about how he did this and that at work and this person and that person thinks he is the second coming of Christ. Everything he tells you will be designed to show himself in a good way.

Every workplace has characters who think they are amazing and are actually insufferable knobheads. Some fall for it, most just roll their eyes and stay quiet.

Maitri108 · 22/03/2025 10:27

SpoonyCat · 22/03/2025 10:19

To all the people saying to go to the GP to record this: What if it's really hard to get a GP appointment in the first place? In my area you have to call at a specific 10 minute window where my husband is always around and you can't even get in for genuine medical problems. I can't even imagine going for something like this. I've been advised to do the same because of my husband but have no idea how to go about this. What magic thing does a GP do in this situation. I can just imagine they wouldn't be happy about it

What magic thing does a GP do in this situation

The GP will know of support in the area and can refer to local services. They can write letters supporting the OPs claim should she need evidence.

EdithBond · 22/03/2025 10:36

Maitri108 · 22/03/2025 10:27

What magic thing does a GP do in this situation

The GP will know of support in the area and can refer to local services. They can write letters supporting the OPs claim should she need evidence.

Show quote history

And it’s an official (with your permission) record that you reported abuse, and it’s effects were witnessed by a professional, which may be useful later as proof of the abuse. And a particularly useful one for people not (yet) wanting to report to the police, as it’s confidential.

Jade520 · 22/03/2025 10:39

OP he sounds like he has a number of narcissistic traits going on there, narcissists are often very popular because they're very careful about who they show their true colours to. My advice would be, for your own safety, to be his idea of a 'good' wife while you get ready to leave. Don't question him, don't disagree with him, don't argue with him.

You're in danger here OP, you've already said things are getting worse. Well done for photographing the bruises but you now need to speak to your mum and sister asap. Don't end up another statistic OP - think of the affect that would have on your children. Please seriously consider going to police as well.

cestlavielife · 22/03/2025 10:45

Exactly. Report send photos to gp.
Otherwise down the line the dh will say it was a one off accident which caused the brain Injury to his dear wife.

And op you are at risk of injury and already you being harmed. Please tell your sister. She will want to help you and the dc

BestofLuck · 22/03/2025 10:56

I wish you lots of luck and happiness OP, you deserve it. You are not the first to see the reality of your situation and certainly won’t be the last, but you sound like a fabulous mother and an individual with the potential for a great life ahead.

Hwi · 22/03/2025 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is a silly thing to say - I travel around the world with different men, to make a living, as the only breadwinner in the family. If my dh breathed a word about wanting to 'travel with me', who would stay with dc? With granny living with us? What would be then the point of this sahp, if he would tag along, thus erasing his only meaningful contribution to the family's operation - i.e. staying firmly put and running the house in my absence?

endingintiers · 22/03/2025 11:06

I went to the police and reported an assault, I asked them not to prosecute but to record it. When I later left him that crime reference was part of the evidence which let me get rehoused (as I was unintentionally homeless). I obviously don’t know if they would proceed in other circumstances but I wanted to share my experience.

Bestfootforward11 · 22/03/2025 11:35

You deserve so much better OP, you really do. When you feel able to speak to family and friends about it, they will rally round and help hold you up. You can see from the messages here how valuable you are and how much strength you have shown. If it’s possible, speak to someone close this weekend to keep up the momentum. Then practical steps- GP, women’s aid, lawyer. There is very definitely a way forward that will make your life and that of your children so much more healthy and free. You will get there and you have an army behind you. Do not doubt for a second that you deserve better.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/03/2025 15:55

Hope you got a chance to speak to your sis today.

Snowpaw · 22/03/2025 18:25

You need to report the domestic violence to the Police. They will support you.

newhousenewhouse · 22/03/2025 21:28

SpoonyCat · 22/03/2025 10:19

To all the people saying to go to the GP to record this: What if it's really hard to get a GP appointment in the first place? In my area you have to call at a specific 10 minute window where my husband is always around and you can't even get in for genuine medical problems. I can't even imagine going for something like this. I've been advised to do the same because of my husband but have no idea how to go about this. What magic thing does a GP do in this situation. I can just imagine they wouldn't be happy about it

My GP recorded it and referred me to a specialist domestic abuse service at the surgery. The record was really useful later on. I also find the receptionists are really good when you need them to find you an appointment for these things. You could always email the surgery or do an online econsult if you cannot wait on the phone.

MeTooOverHere · 22/03/2025 21:37

Elmer83 · 22/03/2025 06:55

I know and honestly I feel so weak. It’s actually like I’m frozen and can’t pull the trigger, so to speak 😭

Show quote history

Baby steps. Today the GP to document, tomorrow your sister, the next day the police. Baby steps but keep walking.

CountryTunes · 22/03/2025 22:06

The abuse will only get worse with time as he becomes desensitized to what he is actually doing which is criminal behaviour. I'm not sure he will continue to be highly valued by his colleagues with a record....

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 23/03/2025 07:18

How are you doing @Elmer83 ?

Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:33

Thank you all for your support a messages ❤️ I keep rereading them all to try and make sure I don’t start minimising what has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:39

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 23/03/2025 07:18

How are you doing @Elmer83 ?

So I’m still frozen in fear of admitting out loud what type of marriage I’m in.
I went to my sisters yesterday morning but she was so excited about her day ahead with her friends I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I know I’m most likely looking for an excuse not to.
I went for a drive after and parked up to call the Domestic Violence helpline…rang it and after the automated message I hung up before an advisor could answer. I just can’t get over how hard it is for me to talk out loud 😭
I did message my friend last night, I said I was struggling (didn’t say about the attack but did say we’re having issues) and we’ve arranged to meet up next week.
He’s slept on the sofa all weekend and I’ve woke up this morning sad that he is. Which again makes me feel weak. I’m heartbroken he isn’t even sorry. 😭

OP posts:
Bubblenum · 23/03/2025 08:40

Elmer83 · 21/03/2025 20:53

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

I know everyone says this but please get your ducks in a row and leave this man. he’s lying to you for a reason. innocent people don’t need to lie. he’s hiding something for a reason and his response tells you everything you need to know. get out before it starts to be more than a kick. don’t waste your time with a man like this he doesn’t respect you or even care for you.

Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:41

I’ve tried to look up if I can report to the police without him knowing so it’s just on record but it’s so unclear. I feel if there was this option I’d find it easy to do. I’m just terrified of blowing my world up right now by reporting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:43

newhousenewhouse · 22/03/2025 21:28

My GP recorded it and referred me to a specialist domestic abuse service at the surgery. The record was really useful later on. I also find the receptionists are really good when you need them to find you an appointment for these things. You could always email the surgery or do an online econsult if you cannot wait on the phone.

Show quote history

Did they (The GP) contact the police? I just hope I can get an appointment for this week whilst the bruising is so fresh and obvious.

OP posts:
Ryah76 · 23/03/2025 08:43

@Elmer83 Yes you can report to the police so it’s on record, you do not have to pursue anything further than that if you don’t want to and he will not be notified of the report.

Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:46

Ryah76 · 23/03/2025 08:43

@Elmer83 Yes you can report to the police so it’s on record, you do not have to pursue anything further than that if you don’t want to and he will not be notified of the report.

Thank you. Is this 100% - when I looked online it seemed they will arrest wherever I like it or not as once DV is reported they don’t want to be seen as doing nothing incase later down line the attacker kills?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmer83 · 23/03/2025 08:48

endingintiers · 22/03/2025 11:06

I went to the police and reported an assault, I asked them not to prosecute but to record it. When I later left him that crime reference was part of the evidence which let me get rehoused (as I was unintentionally homeless). I obviously don’t know if they would proceed in other circumstances but I wanted to share my experience.

Thank you for your message and well done for getting out. If you don’t mind me asking was this recently? Im just wondering if the law has changed around reporting and not prosecuting.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 23/03/2025 08:53

Is there anyone else you could speak to? The safeguarding person at your kids’ school for example?

Mischance · 23/03/2025 08:54

I am so sorry this is happening to you and fully understand how hard it must be to take the plunge and fully acknowledge what is happening.
I know you know the right things to do. I do think you should open up to your sister. You need someone beside you in all this.