Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

Thank you. He is very well liked in his profession (almost a hero to his network of colleagues) and so I feel so inadequate and stupid compared to him. He is very well liked amongst his peers and it just adds to my insecurities of my own self worth.
God, I sound so pathetic writing all this down. I’m actually a bubbly and outwardly confident woman if you met me in real life but deep down I’m not 😭

YOU ARE WORTHY! you are an amazing Mum and he is a nob.
You must tell someone in real life.

Yes and I get that. In fact I have him the chance to say exactly that but instead he kicked me. Heartbroken doesn’t even sum it up right now.
Also he has loads of female colleagues…I get it. He’s travelled many countries with them. So to suddenly hide one makes it more strange.

So what that he'll twist every thing. So what that he blames you. He's a knob head. His opinions are worthless. Your family would be so upset to hear you've kept this quiet. Please tell me you've got a big burly brother who can have a word..

I left my marriage. I took ages. I never thought I'd cope without him. I felt so many emotions. Today's shit as other people are being twats but I'm so much happier without him. He's not coping.

My exh jammed my arm in a door deliberately.. I knew that was the beginning of the end with no going back.
Your dc need a dm with fab mh. And one who can keep them safe.. Please don't say he is a great df.. Abusing their dm makes him a cunt....

Thank you. ❤️
Yes I do need to tell someone…honestly so terrified of doing so though.

You do have a backbone, and you've taken the first step by posting on here. Everyone, I'm sure, will say the same thing - you need to leave, for your safety and that of your children.

You cannot live like this, it's no life! And your children will be damaged by being brought up in this environment. Trust me, it will happen. I was dragged brought up by abusive parents and it took years of therapy to unravel the trauma.

Your mum and sister would be upset to think you can't confide in them. Please call them this evening for some support. It's time to stop protecting your abuser and put yourself and your children first.

Time to go to the police. He sounds scary and I’d get away from him. Talk about over reactions to everything. He’s obviously a sneaky slime scumbag and you caught him out and he attacked you. That’s some kind of crazy.. I hope you have outside help

Sorry, I meant to hit add quote.

Thank you ❤️
Well done you for getting out. I’m so happy you’ve got a better life.
Wish I did have a big burley brother right now…although to be fair my sister gives as good as she gets 🙈

Then tell your sister.

You are so right…they will be fuming but also heartbroken. They all love him as, of course, he’s charming to them. However, I know they see “through” him from a few comments they’ve made in the past.
I suppose I also don’t want to burden them with this until I’m 100% ready to go and right now I’m at 90%. I suppose that’s why I’ve posted…to make sure I’m not crazy in my feelings towards the situation and marriage.

Being able to use the TV remote and choose a program without him tutting and huffing was the initial great 'first'!!
After that it became normal to just enjoy my home and dc... You can do this op. Make a new life. A bloody happy one! Even changed the stupid name he gave one of our dkittens!!
Felt very empowering doing that!

They will give you the remaining 10%.

Tell your sister, tell her you are terrified. He doesn't get to treat you like this. Your children need to see that this is not how people should behave. You are strong and you are worthy. You can do this.

It sounds like he’s been abusive in the past if he’s been feeding you the message you’re reliant on him and has been pissing on your self esteem. It’s text book to make victims feel they couldn’t cope alone as it keeps them where the abuser wants them and being compliant. This image will help you to assess if he was abusive before this incident. The kicking is really worrying if a new behaviour though as it shows a massive escalation and I would expect other violence to follow shortly. For your safety and for the physical and emotional safety of your children you need to get out of this relationship as quickly as possible. The first step is confiding in someone. You can also contact a local domestic abuse charity for one to one support and if you’re feeling up to it the police can take steps to safeguard you.

Yes this and that were similar before it. Don't stay with someone who assaults you. You have to report him.

OP you say you are weak but you have listed many strengths here. You are clearly articulate, you aspire to learn new skills, you love your kids,vyou have a kick ass sister and the courage to ask for help. You have the makings of a successful and content life.

They’ve never witnessed it, but they do witness him speaking down to me which I know is horrendous enough. They are 8 and 13 😭

They won't be half as heartbroken to find out about him as they would be if he seriously injured you, or worse!

They probably already know he's a scumbag, but they profess to love him because you choose to be with him. Once you open up to them, and expose him for the lying abuser he is, they will likely tell you their true thoughts and feelings.

Your mum and your sister will support you and hopefully give you the additional strength you need to get out of this toxic relationship.

I’m crying reading these messages. You are all so right.
I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to such a shell of a woman. I need to focus on finding my strength and worth for my children’s sake. They are my absolute world and they deserve it all.

Be careful about clearing your web / phone history. You will be fine financially you will get benefits and child maintenance and can rebuild.
His reputation isn’t your concern please just message your family you don’t have to ring them. say exactly what you need eg please don’t tell anyone but I need you to come and get me / I need to come and stay with you. I will explain when I get there.
Children in happy homes with one parent don’t have ‘broken’ homes or ‘broken’ families because one good parent and a calm safe house is enough.
My ex was emotionally abusive and it did affect the dc and my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. The dc started to copy him and talk down to me that’s when I knew it was better for them to get out. If he’s abusive to you he’s abusive to them when you aren’t there.

I see this too often - the children don't witness it. They will know, without doubt.

Tension is households where there is domestic abuse is palpable. I assume your children aren't deaf, so they will also hear your interactions. Domestic abuse is never, ever hidden from children. They know.

No this isn’t the first time. It’s got worst in recent years. It’s not daily or weekly. But once should be enough and I know that. I think that’s where my shame comes from as I’d be the first woman to tell another to leave if it happened.
Honestly, no-one that knows me in real life would imagine me being the type of woman to stay after the first hint of abuse. Yet here I am and I’m ashamed I’m here.

As hard as it is to read this…thank you. You are so very right. 😭