Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

Your husband kicked you?! If my DH did this to me he would be out the door so fast his head would spin. Look after yourself OP.

Please go over to your sisters now you’ve been invited, she’s made space for you. If I were your sister and needed to honour the commitment to lunch I would either ask you to join the group or suggest you to stay at mine, relax and I’d be back asap. And I expect you’ll find she’s not at all surprised. 💐

And absolutely this. She sounds like a good un. Please talk to her and let her help you.

Can you please make sure you send the bruises photo to someone or email it to yourself so that it’s not only on your phone. Just in case he gets hold of it and deletes it.

don’t see your sister and tell her everything is fine. That will make it much harder to tell her later on.
ask to see her after the girls’ lunch when she is free and can listen to you.
read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That. Will change your life.
and then make an appointment with Wowmn’s Aid. That will also change your life.
many of us have been there op and recognize the frozen state - fear of change, fear for the children, fear of disruption. But you come through it. And life on the other side is great.

Please OP LTB. You are worth so much more than a gaslighting narcissistic man child who thinks kicking and abusing his wife is acceptable. Has he ever touched the kids? He doesn't love you, you dont physically hurt the people you love. Please report this to the police and tell your mum and sister what is going on. Please tell your sister today, I no she has a lunch but I would be so incredibly mad at my sister if she needed to tell me something as important as this and didn't because of a meet up. If you can't get the words out.. show her this thread.

It will be hard & it will seem like the scariest time of your life but you are doing this for yourself and your children. None of you deserve to be around this vile man, you are worth so so much more.

Think about what you would say to your child or sister if they came to you and told you there partner was physically and emotionally abusing them..

Wishing you so much support xx

You don’t need evidence of his cheating OP, you have been physically abused, repeatedly, whenever you question his superiority.

He beats you so that you stay in your box where you belong, so that he can continue to carry on his Big Man Work doing exactly as he pleases when he pleases with no questions from you to make him feel bad.

He has no respect or care for you or for family life any more in spite of his charm towards others.
He’s an angry violent thug. And he’s gone too far astray now, to come back to reality. He can’t give any of it up. He’s caught in that trap of earning big bucks and spending big. He could also be in debt.

Please think about how you can leave him as there’s no going back to the good old days when you were equal loving partners. For yourself and your lovley children, it’s best not to linger on, it’s gone too far already.
You are his victim in spite of him trying to gaslight you to believe the opposite.

OP, all those fears and worries you have right now are entirely normal in this awful situation. None of it is your fault that he has gone so far astray to beat you and kick you.
It’s ok to be frozen with fear for a now, while you think of your exit plan. You are in shock.
But the very best thing you can do today is to face the first fear, the worst fear of all, …that of telling your sister and mum.
I promise you, after that, you will feel stronger.
Allow them the privilege of supporting you and your children through this. You really are worth it so take that first step.
Tell your sister this morning. Let it all out.
She would much rather help you than go to her lunch, I’m sure.
Good luck OP. You will come through this and be happy again if you give yourself the chance.

There is nothing complicated here .. you MUST leave him. He is a violent man.
I know the process of leaving can be complicated, but the decision is not.

Please tell the police OP. Think of your children.

OP, you need to ask yourself, what would you advise if your own daughter told you that she had been kicked, retaining bruises, by her husband?.
Once they start being violent it eventually escalates.
please be careful, change your passwords, discretely remove your important documents & take them to your sisters.
You need to get information about your finances before he hides the info, mortgage, life insurance, pension, savings.
You need to take steps to leave him.
information will make you feel more in control

You can make a report to the police and ask them not to take action for now and they will probably agree. I think they can put a marker on your home so they know to respond promptly to an emergency call. A good friend of mine did that when she was preparing to leave her abusive husband. But if that feels a step too far then yes tell your GP.

It’s natural to feel frozen. It’s a fear response for women. Also, you’ve spent years making excuses for this man’s behaviour out of loyalty to him. No doubt he behaves okay some of the time - no-one is abusive all the time - but that’s part of the abuse also. You’re a victim of crime living at the crime scene with the perpetrator. That causes huge confusion and cognitive dissonance as your mind tries to deal with the fact that the place that should be your ultimate safe harbour (your home) is a place of danger for you and that the person who should keep you safe is the person harming you.

Start to build an escape plan. Don’t tell him your plans. There is great information here:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Please go to the police and log this. You can ask (they might not agree) that no further action is taken. I so wish I had done this as by the time I needed my ex to move out I had no evidence.

Freeze/fawn is a trauma response, it’s to keep you safe.

I also wanted to respond to your point about not leaving at the first sign of abuse, but these people never go straight in with the physical. They start by training you to accept them breaching your boundaries- small things at first- it’s the frog in boiling water scenario. And fwiw I also understand about it being so scary to blow up his world by reporting. I never reported mine (that one didn’t get physical and is my dc father) for that reason, and I kept minimising it in my head.

Good luck, you will feel so much better when you leave him.

Please tell your sister this morning. Your low self worth is putting her needs/lunch first. You need to prioritise your gorgeous children from the twat.

Do go to your GP. It's the first step which is always the hardest and one you feel comfortable with. It will empower you and give you the strength and courage to go further. Wishing you luck.

I have been waiting for my sister to leave her DH for years. He isn't physically abusive but is useless in every other way.

I would happily miss any lunch or any event if it meant I could help her leave.

Make the gp appointment. Having independent evidence will be very important later on when you leave. The gp could also signpost you towards local help groups.

I am a family solicitor. Can I suggest from a practical POV that next week you see your GP and show them the bruises and explain what happened. It will then be on record and when you feel ready will make you eligible for legal aid. On your income you’ll be eligible and as it’s a divorce your financial assets will fall under SMOD so won’t be included. Leaving an abusive marriage is the hardest step but once you’ve done it you’ll feel free.

That is what trauma does, it freezes you. It happens because what he did was just so undeserved, so unreasonable, so put of nowhere that it seemed like your reality as a person and also you as a person were worth nothing at all. This is why men do it. Three or so incidents like that and you are pinned down like a moth on a cork board, trying to live whilst unable to move freely or naturally.

You need to start talking about things. Saying things out loud is the easiest way for you to process these traumas. Talk to someone, please. Take away his power of silencing you. Helplines and friends.

As for the "I love him so much" part, that one is harder. I will simply say that love from one person isn't enough for a relationship.

Definitely speak to someone and show them the bruises too so they see proof. I know you think they’ll find it hard to believe but you need as much support as you can and people who can reassure you you’re not mad and it’s not your fault. It sounds like you’ve hit a nerve with the colleague maybe there’s more to that too.

I thought that. The woman he was with isn't just a colleague which is why he has lashed out when caught in the lie.

You've had lots of support and advice OP and I hope you can get away from this horrible excuse for a man. Your sister will want to help.

At this point it doesn't matter if he's lying or not. He's abusive. You have to leave.
You sound amazingly strong and you say you're already at 90%? That's enough. If you tell your sister she will give you more than enough strength to get to 100% and leave.

He kicked his wife... please press on with your plans to leave. Your sister probably suspects. If it was her how would you feel?

Also why would he lie about the colleague unless something is going on? How strange.

No one deserves this treatment. Your children will know. They always do and parents always say they’ve hidden it well. I’ve worked with so many people and it’s always the same story - so please know they are being impacted and developing their narratives about what a relationship looks like - is this a dynamic you want to model to them as acceptable? I think this question is useful to keep in your mind, because many women seem to find it easier to make changes for their children, if not themselves.

It sounds like your husband has worn you down over the years but you are strong and capable and can figure a pathway out. talk to women’s aid and make a plan with support.

OP, him being oh so charming and likeable goes hand in hand with domestic abuse.

They are super pleasant and helpful and fun outside the home, but behave like a house terrorist inside.
Keeping you on very little money, belittling you, grinding you down, gaslighting you are all part of what they do.

Your family have witnessed his behaviour and they will be shocked but possibly not surprised.
Sadly your children will absolutely be aware of his abuse of you.

It leads to huge confusion and anxiety in children.
I understand this is really so hard, but perhaps focusing on just how much damage this is doing to your children will give you strength.

I would put any infidelity out of your mind, who cares?
He is a violent abuser and you need to plan your exit.
Say nothing further.
Go to your GP and tell the truth.
Tell your family the truth.
Tell friends the truth.
Try and tell the police the truth.
Is there any way you could stay with family?

I just wanted to highlight this post for you OP as it provides useful, practical advice for future steps from a solicitor experienced in family law.

Do please tell your sister and share these photos. I was in your shoes in the early 90s and my son (5 when we left his abusive father) has often told me it's the best thing I ever did for him.

You are stronger than you know 💪