Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

He kicked you
You have bruises
Report to police your gp your mum your sister

I'm so sorry you're living with such a bastard. If I were you I'd show your mum and sister the bruises now. It's much more powerful for them to see the actual bruises rather than see a photo. And your husband will tell them you doctored the photos, too.

The reason he has no money is because he spends it on showing people what a big man he is. I bet he's the first to go to the bar, the one who treats others, while in fact he leaves his family without any money.

His colleagues will always believe he's a good guy because he wouldn't dare kick one of them if they disagreed with him. Keep hold of the photos - I would hold those over him if he ever even thought of withholding child support if you separate.

@Elmer83 thinking about practicalities, look to see what support you might be entitled to.
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

And there would be child maintenance on top of that.
It might help you accept that you don't need to wait.

And tell your sister and mum soon - I bet they tell you they never liked him and didn't trust him - don't wait to have that validation and their support.

It's very, very common for men to call women crazy when they call them out on their bad behaviour / catch them in a lie / realize they're cheating.

Make sure you have proof of his earnings and all assets before you end it.

Don't tell him you're leaving (or throwing him out), just do it. And if you throw him out, change the locks and never let him in even just to pick up the kids or whatever. Men who murder their partners are the men who started off hitting / kicking them.

It's classic DARVO.

Deny
Attack (it's usually verbal - he went overboard with it)
Reverse Victim and Offender

So now, in his head, he's the victim who's been unjustifiably accused. You are the offender - you caused the problem. You made him yell at you. You made him kick you. It's classic, OP.

Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender

I second the good advice to read this book. In fact, I wish every woman and girl, and actually boys too, would get a copy of this.

This is a free pdf:
[[https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

He is very well liked in his profession (almost a hero to his network of colleagues) and so I feel so inadequate and stupid compared to him. He is very well liked amongst his peers

Have you heard the saying Street angel house devil? He's everyone's mate, Mr nice guy who would help anyone out, except he's a bastard behind closed doors, I think you have one of those....

Kicked you???? The arsehole kicked you????? That would be it for me marriage-wise.

Me too! Wanted to message all my friends and family and run out in the street and tell any woman I came across. So so so essential.
Loving the PDF! Will save this for myself to refer back to

[Edited for typos]

This.

You absolutely need to leave him lovely you deserve so much more than that. My dad worked away a lot and earned all the money while my mum gave up her job to raise three children. My dad had an affair but when my mum found out he never denied it or laid a hand on her. I was 8 years old and I’m now 40 and yet to this day I still remember the arguments during that time so you can bet your children will too but show them what a strong woman is and that nobody should have to put up with in your case not just lying but physical violence and abuse. I know that is easier said than done as my mum made it to the train station more than once before my dad persuaded her to come back. Your husband has shown violence and from what you have said more than once. Are you going to stay until he kills you? Where would that leave your children? You are worth so much more than you think and you can create and deserve a good life without him. Start by telling your mum and sister because believe me they want to know.

This, he kicked you, if you are bruised take a picture on your phone snd keep it as proof.

Me too. I haven’t read the whole book but reading the excerpt about Mr Sensitive Abuser that someone on here recommended was the start of me waking up fully to what was going on. I sent it to friend but then deleted it. Then he blew up again and so I sent it again and told her it described my life. that was the beginning of me getting ready to leave but it’s taken me a long time to actually start divorce proceedings. I know it’s hard.

From then I’ve learned more about abuse cycles and narcissistic abuse. Dr Ramani ‘It’s Not You’ or her you tube videos are good. The more you understand their patterns the stronger you get. regardless you’ll have to keep communicating with him around the children so educate yourself well.

Kicking you should result in you calling the police. He should be arrested. Only you can decide whether to do that and how safe you’d feel if they allowed him to come back to the house but I do think I would if my STBX had physically attacked me.

Good luck. You have an army of MNetters behind you.

If my husband kicked me when we were having a discussion I would be more worried about that.

I’m sorry but he kicked you? What did you do? This is unacceptable.

The only explanation for his rage is a guilty conscience. I’m really sorry.

I cannot imagine being attacked by the man i love ,the father of my children .
Nothing you could do or say could ever justify this, he has no right whatsoever to hurt you,how dare he think he can kick and attack you.
You are worthy of love and respect ,your home and the parents in it should be a place of comfort and safety for your children, you should be safe in your own home, he could kill you.

This needs to end. As he's manipulated you, you are used to his violence. Focus on your DCs.
Tell your family and get your DCs and you out of the house. What happens if the next time he carries on kicking, if your DC try to stop him?
This is a real situation we are all aware can happen, where the "loving hard working" dad who "puts the bins out" goes beserk and you could all be hurt or worse.

Please leave . Call women’s aid, move to your mums house, phone the police. You have just been assaulted .

please don’t worry that people won’t believe you because you’re a kick ass kind of person. I’ve had a few friends fall into awful abusive relationships. All of them were super strong independent types.

One that really sticks out in my mind was a tough as nails bloody inner city police woman back in the eighties who got trapped in a dreadful relationship with a right pipsqueak of a dickhead bloke. She was tall and strong and fit. She could easily have defended herself but he broke her down so much she …. Just didn’t.

I think abusers must somehow target strong people. Maybe it’s more fun for them.

I think abusers must somehow target strong people. Maybe it’s more fun for them.

They're misogynists. They hate women and like nothing better than to give them a good kicking, either emotionally or physically.

The longer you let things lie still because of your emotional connection ( he has no love for you). The harder you make it for the police. Dial 999. Report the abuse.

This is not love.
But it is what you are modelling to your children as how a relationship should be. This is their 'normal' and they have an innate trust in you, so believe you when you show them that 'this' is how love looks. Whether you think they see anything, they do but they also FEEL. They will seek what they know.

You are worth far more than you believe you are. You just need to find that self worth and acceptance of yourself. Start by telling your family so you can't deny it anymore. Acknowledge out loud that you and your children deserve more. You don't have to do it alone, but you do have to do it

Why do you think you love someone who assaults you?

He KICKED you?

Please report the abuse to the police and tell your family and friends. You’re stuck in an abusive relationship and you need to get out for your kids sake. They deserve better. You deserve better.