Dh making me out to be crazy when I caught him lying

[Elmer83]

So my husband was away over night for work ( for context he works away quite a lot) but this was only one night away. I tried to call him twice in the evening once I knew his event was finished. No reply. He eventually rang me about 10pm saying he and his colleague were looking for somewhere to eat. (A male colleague) Whilst he was on the phone I could hear a female having a conversation with the other male colleague. No problem with me but I asked “oh and who is the woman that’s with you?” He said there wasn’t one and ended the call. He then called about 7am and I asked “did you find somewhere to eat” and yes he did. I then asked who he ate with and again just this male colleague. I then collected him the next evening from the train station. Again we spoke about his event and his evening and I even said “so just you and Bob ate out” the answer was “yes”
Fast forward to the when we are home and he showed me a few photos and as he scrolled there was a picture he took of a receipt for his evening meal (he took it to claim back in expenses). Guess what…it was for 3 people. So I say, “who was the other person then?” Bearing in mind there had always been only him and Bob. He then came up with”oh our female colleague walked by and saw us so ate with us too”
I was so confused after having two conversations with him about just him and Bob having dinner. When I said I was confused he hit the roof. He actually kicked me in a rage. Now today he’s still angry with me. Telling me I’m crazy…I’m starting to think I am?

I'm so shocked and disturbed by your husbands behaviour. I think the most shocking thing is that he has reduced you to thinking that this mystery other woman is the issue.

She is irrelevant. You are in a physically abusive relationship with a violent man. Please please fond your strength to leave him OP. And do what you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe.

Sending love and support. Wishing you a much much brighter future. Xx

Fuck his world exploding. He assaulted you.
AND it’s not the first time.
Report him to the police, have him removed from the house and ask for help to keep him away.

He’s a lying, nasty, abusive scumbag. I’m sorry that he’s hurt you, I’m glad you took photos- keep those as evidence.
You now who he is, he’s a lying piece of shit, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. Quietly gather financial evidence, bank statements and his pay. Do what you need to do, the old ‘get your ducks in a row’.
Look after yourself, look at things like ‘the freedom programme’ and contact women’s aid.

@Elmer83 You need to go to the police after the assault. It will make everything afterwards be so much easier. Do it ASAP today while you have the bruises.

Leave this violent cheating man. If you had a view in on his life, you would be shocked I'm sure. If you were to see his communications from his phone and other devices, you would be shocked I'm sure.

No one lashes out physically like that unless there are a heap of skeletons in his closet.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years & im the last person you’d ever think it would happen to. I’m successful in the city with decent career, attractive ish, loads of friends & life & soul of parties. I start the dancing! I’m also very caring & do a lot of charity work & help neighbours etc, to the point I won awards.
My bastard ex was so obnoxious that we were ostracised as a couple, I was still invited but he didn’t want me going without him. This man turned me into a fraction of myself.
Some friends & family couldn’t bear what I became, but one supported me completely, no judgement was just there till I saw the light.
I finally did when he broke my little brothers nose. (6 ft & 25 at time)
A lightbulb moment it was ok for him to hurt me but not my family. It took a few years not to be jumpy but someone said to me 3 years later it’s nice to have you back at last.
Sorry, bit of a ramble but what I’m trying to say is this vile excuse of husband has eaten away at your confidence, he’s done it because you are better than him. You can get through this & get over this.
As previous poster said, your are articulate, intelligent, loving & kind. Stop loving him & start loving yourself.
Easier said than done, I’m in a wonderful relationship now of 7 years. It does get better.
Do NOT allow him to physically abuse you ever again- it only escalates.
Wishing you much love & even more luck & strength. You’ve got this-if not for you the children. Xxxx

Was going to post this. Read Why Does He Do That?

Not just for the reason Going gives but also for your self esteem. Living with an abusive and violent man you have learned to centre his needs to protect yourself from his rages. Now you need to unlearn all of that.

You are not “a shell”. You have hidden yourself to protect yourself. Once you have got away from this pathetic, entitled man-baby you will come out of your shell and find yourself again.

It really strikes me in your OP how small a part you make the kicking, as though it’s a little footnote. Easy to miss if you skim read. Whereas, it is everything and it is this you need to focus on.

You are being abused and you need to get out. I hope today you manage to tell someone in real life.

Wow - that’s exactly how he’s now behaving. He’s the victim. The confusion this creates is immense for me. But it’s spot on 😭

Morning OP I hope you managed to get some sleep, it always helps.

Ive never been in your situation, but there are lots of women who have on here who are giving you some excellent advice. Can you leave the children with DH today and visit your sister and tell her what’s happening?

That's what I noticed @Heylittlesongbird , like a casual mention as @Elmer83 hasn't registered the hugeness and the wrongness.

Same for me @Angelou79 , when my ex kicked my cat I left. I thought he'll start on me next, forgetting he'd already hit me twice. But also, don't touch my cat or else. He's now being investigated for a murder the year after I left.

Thank you for all the messages. It’s eye opening to read back and see how I’ve minimised the physical violence in my OP.

I’ve been awake most the night and started to mentally make a plan. It’s not a clear plan right now but I’m going to start by a PP suggestion of grey rocking him for now, whilst I try to get my ducks in a row and build on my self worth.

I still don’t feel strong enough right now to tell the police. I was thinking of making a doctors appointment and showing the bruises, so at least it would be on my medical history as future proof?

Seeing the GP is better than nothing but you need to tell the police. If he kicked your kids what would you do? You're worth just as much as they are.

Thank you 😊 I did message my sister about 20 mins ago to ask if she was around today and typically she’s got Girls Lunch planned with some of friends for this afternoon and told me to pop round this morning for a catch up. I will pop round but won’t divulge anything today as it would completely ruin her plans for the day. I know she’d cancel her lunch for me and she hardly ever gets to meet with this bunch of friends due them living all over the country 😭

I know and honestly I feel so weak. It’s actually like I’m frozen and can’t pull the trigger, so to speak 😭

What we're his "justifications" for the physical abuse the previous times, OP?

I am wishing you the courage to leave. But in the meantime, while you are building your resolve for this it would be great to get a GP appointment, to do the freedom programme- you can do it online if need be, to get some therapy or phone your local domestic abuse service. Good luck and get out soon! Your kids will benefit.

It’s lovely you want your sister te have a great lunch, but if you where my sister I would rather cancel lunch with friends than not knowing and helping my sister. You are her sìster! You are important to people, you really are!

Good morning @Elmer83, I’ve just read the whole thread and want to echo what others have said.

You have been so brave sharing your story here, the first time is the hardest.
You ARE worth more than this
You DO deserve to be loved
HE carries the sole blame for this

You know you need to leave and that’s good. I agree with @ThaTrìCaitAgam - tell your sister today. Imagine if the roles were reversed and she was hiding something like this from you because she didn’t want to ruin your lunch out?

You mentioned the ages of your kids, sorry if I missed whether you said what sex they are. You obviously love them very much so use them as your motivation, particularly the 13 year old - it’s such a formative age. You don’t want a boy thinking this is how he should treat a woman or a girl to think this is what she needs to put up with for a relationship to work. Show them that this shouldn’t be tolerated and that they, and YOU, are worth so much more.

You say you have thought about a new job, what sort of area are you interested in? There are so many free courses you can do online now to help upskill and I’m sure some of us can help point you in the right direction.

Sending you strength.

Tell your sister and tell her today.
If the situation were reversed would you worry about going out to lunch? You would not. You would be upset if she kept it from you.
The lying is bad enough but the physical abuse is another level.
You will be better off without him. For starters, he will have to be financially accountable. He can’t just leave you sitting at home while he is out blowing cash.
You have a window here before the violence gets worse and it always does.
Your children deserve a safe, happy mum.
And these men are always ‘great’ to other people but that’s just what he tells you. Believe me, there will be people who would not be surprised.
You have family. Go to them for support. They will be there for you in a second. Your safety matters right now.
Ask - if my sister had been assaulted, would I want her to tell me?
You are clearly very bright and capable and a lovely mum. You deserve better.

What interrogation?

A wife is entitled to ask her H about something, especially when she is totally aware he is not being open about what has happened.
Are you implying OP " deserved" the reaction she got from him?

What about your mum? Is she around today? Do your mum or sister have space for you to stay with them a few days?

I think you’ve been really brave taking the first step to tell someone about this abuse on here, the next step is telling someone in real life. I know that means it becomes “real” but you can’t carry in on like this. Take photos of your bruises if you can’t bring yourself to go to the police yet

In the kindest way, I'm pretty sure that your sister would far rather support her sister when she needs it than have brunch with friends. Talk to her. You need to verbalise this now while it's fresh and you're not talking yourself out of it. Be strong.

Please take this advice xxx

Good luck today OP.
Please keep the police in mind as a possibility if you can. I think it will be useful to you as you get free of him- something there in black and white that he can't twist. Just you knowing that you'd done that would help if he tries to twist things to other people- even if you don't tell them all what happened, you'll know its there, recorded and verified.