Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

You need to confront her or go very low contact. She could have ended your relationship.

I wouldn't confront your mum about this, I can see why you want to, but she is a narcissist and will just cry and wail and make it all about her - and it will not change her behaviour in the future. It will only create more aggro for yourself to deal with.

Hopefully your husband will now know better than to believe anything she says to him in the future - I would be making sure he knows the exact truth about your mum's lies and exaggerations.

I would be trying to have as little contact with her as possible in general, tbh.

You read her the riot act. After that, it’s up to you whether you bother with her any more.

I’d also be telling my husband that I was amazed he believed her, given how batshit she is, and telling him to come straight to me if she ever tries anything so stupid again.

Well he now knows your mother is completely batshit ( surely by now he did anyway )
I'd just get on with your lives , ignore her as much as you can and carry on .

So you’ve not said any of that stuff to her? But she took it upon herself to tell off your husband?

Honestly you would be completely entitled to ring her up and tell her she was bang out of order. Well it might have an explosive response but if I’ve understood it correctly, then her actions were awful. You’ve been putting up with her nonsense for far too long.

This, and with bells on!

Bloody hell I would be furious! You need to find your anger and give it to her both barrels. HOW DARE SHE INTERFERE AND LIE!!!!

I am raging on your behalf 😤

She's a fucking liability and her unwanted interference could have ended your marriage.

I would go no contact but if you can't do that, go as low contact as you can. She doesn't bring anything positive to your life.

Oh wow, I don’t think there’s much point in confronting her really, I can’t see that it would make any difference and would just cause a load of drama. I think you just have to make it very clear to DH that’s absolutely not the case and keep your DM at arms length as much as possible.

I also have a ‘challenging’ DM and gave up stressing about her a long time ago. I’m reasonably low contact and DH & I are both well aware that’s just how she is and ignore most of the batshit stuff.

As a child of a narc mother, I'm not sure confronting her in person will help, as from experience it just triggers the crocodile tears and creates more discomfort. Perhaps put it in writing via a text to minimise the scope for conflict that won't resolve anyway. And then you can rehearse what you want to write too.

However I think your husband is also at fault here for taking what she said at face value and choosing to be distant with you rather than using his words. Particularly as he knows she has form for unreasonable behaviour. I'd definitely be calling him out on that.

Surely your DH knows what a fantasist she is?She's clearly projecting her feelings onto you. Because SHE doesn't like the kitchen she's projecting that obviously YOU don't like it and is manipulating DH (consciously or unconsciously) to get it fixed.

Although my mum isn't as bad she has similar traits. She's constantly worrying that my ds is spending money on the wrong things when they should fix the roof/update the bathroom/fill in the pond and struggles to imagine that for some people these just arn't a priority.

It's a kind of narcissism. Because she's wants it then it's self evident that everyone would want the same thing.

I agree regardless of her intentions she is nasty and could damage your marriage. How did she bump into DH? That MUST have been deliberate on her part.

Do you have any proof you have told your mum you are happy with the kitchen and plan to wait? Text messages? Maybe you have some from her obsessing over the kitchen? Yes DH should trust you over your weird mother but I can understand that he might be upset at the accusations and reassuring him with evidence would be helpful.

I think you also need more distance with DM.

Time to cut the manipulative nightmare out of your lives. What positive does she actually bring?

Yes this is probably the ideal solution.

DH does know how batshit she is but she was very plausible. Never outright said that I had said these things, just implied it in every word. And it was close enough to small gripes I have had such as ‘it is a nightmare washing up for 4 kids, I can’t wait until we have a dishwasher’ but voiced in a completely different way.

I was quite disappointed that he believed it but weve talked about it now and it’s ok. He understandably has a fear of me turning into my mother so it did really upset him to think that we’d been in cahoots slagging him off. He knows how ridiculous that is now and we’re friends again!

Your mum isn’t interested in how anyone is feeling unless she can use those feelings to get something. She’s interested in how things look. She doesn’t like it when her daughter doesn’t have the nicest kitchen of all her friends dc so she’s using your husbands feelings against him to get him to act.

Any attempt to address this will see more of the same: ‘you can’t be upset with me because I’m perfect and if you are upset with me that makes you a bully’. I’d read about dysfunctional patterns in families. That will help you understand the predictability and harm in your mums behaviours.

Does she bring anything positive to your life?
Do you have any good memories of her through your childhood?
How do you feel when you are due to see her?
Does she induce anxiety in you?

Sadly, some of us have mothers who, frankly, should never have had children. I went full-on No Contact with mine and never regretted it for a minute. I only wish I had done it sooner.

I am in agreement with previous posters that you read her the riot act then decline any further contact with her until you have decided what you want to do.

Don’t confront her, pointless.

Your H should have told you sooner and presumably knows this was all her and that she’s a nightmare and to ignore her BS.

Whatever you decide about your own contact with her going forward would protect your DC by them not having much time with her, zero time with her without you or DH present, and talk to them about her behaviour as regards them (the tears, stories, lies etc) not being OK and to come to you if she says or does anything that bothers them.

I think this is spot on.

Have you tried saying gently Now Mun, you know that’s not true. If you say it each time she does it, then turn to the other person and say Mim exaggerateds, take no notice, she might think twice.

As much as my initial reaction was confront her! I know from experience of a high maintenance mother "who says it how it is" etc that it's easier to not to so, as it invariably escalates and it's hard to come down from. I do think less contact is in order though and if she queries it you can just say you're busy atm with family, dh included. If she's anything like my mum she won't ever acknowledge she did anything wrong at all. And probably deny it ever happened given a few months .

Or if she mentions at some point talking to DH or brings up the kitchen, use that as an opportunity to plant the seed of disapproval in her mind by saying that you're sticking to the plan thanks, and that your good relationship with DH and kids is more important than going into debt even briefly for a kitchen. Show her your priorities are in order though hers aren't sadly. She was playing the hero for no reason there, and playing with relationships by going behind backs isn't helpful behaviour and could have been damaging.

You've got 4 children with this man but he doesn't know the situation with your mum well enough to brush it off or can't approach you to check out things are OK or believes your mothers version of your character rather than what he knows about you. I'd be fed up that he'd dragged this thing out, letting your mum interfere when you've got 4 children and a busy life to get on with. Keep your mum at arms length.

Your introduction, the tiptoeing, and you saying it was always about her emotions says me she’s emotionally immature. I recommend reading ‘Adult Children of emotionally immature parents’ by Lindsay C. Gibson. The narcissism is strong with these people too. It helped me a lot.

Agree with your dh never to believe anything she says without discussing. That you don't confide her and she makes stuff up.

Keep conversation very surface level. That said looking forward to a new a kitchen is just chit chat and it is wild she managed to make a drama out of it.

Yanbu to go low or no contact over it either.

I don’t see how you can’t say something? She is how she is because you don’t do anything about it. Tell her to stay out of your relationship. She has no right to interfere like that. If she strops or gets upset, leave her to it. Not your problem.

Yes your DM is obviously massively out of order but your DH really needs to work on his communication. There's really no excuse for him keeping it to himself and sulking. I would be equally cross with him tbh, as you can't choose your parents but you did choose him.

Why do you have your mother in your life and around your children?

I had a narc father and pulled him up each time and walked away when the drama started. The final time I demanded an apology and said I would never be back without it and did exactly that. What a difference to my life after going NC.

Agree with all of this. Also, OP, from your description your mother is not 'kind and well-meaning' at all. She sounds utterly self-obsessed. I would have as little to do with her as you can.

What does your Dad say about her? Is he in the picture? Are you an only child?