Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

Confronting her will create a new level of drama. It sounds like you’re not ready for that despite the fact that your mum needs someone to tell her.

You should be much lower contact and restrict the amount of info that you give her. Didn’t you predict her reaction to the cricket award? Next time protect your child by not offering ammunition for drama. They probably outgrew being a drama llama years ago thanks to you helping them learn emotional regulation and better ways to get your attention.

There's a lot to unpick in your post @WellErrrr but I suspect you probably know that deep down.

I've got to start here:

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning

No she isn't. That might be what she tells herself and other people, and it might be what you're telling yourself to try and make this more bearable, because she is your mother, but it isn't true. It's an abusive relationship.

She bullied you throughout your childhood. You feel responsible for her feelings, which is why you're afraid to confront her, because she'll have a tantrum and that will make you feel like you're the one in the wrong, and you're afraid to feel that way and so you say nothing. If you feel that saying something is the right thing for you, then say something. After that, let her have a tantrum if she wants. Trust that she can cope with being told she did something wrong. But don't hold on to the hope that telling her will change her behaviour, because it's unlikely that it will.

Some people are just terrible parents, I'm afraid, but you're not alone in being the child of a terrible parent. You might find the stately homes thread helpful. Lots of posters on there with similar experiences (who also understand why it's not straightforward with a parent like this and why it's so hard to have a normal response to this behaviour - why you can't just say no).

This post is gold

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I wish my mum would “have a word” with my OH about us being in a 550sqft flat with a growing family. I think external pressure would help!

Sadly I don’t have a dad around who could talk to him man to man!

Your DH doesn’t have to live with the shitty kitchen cooking for 4 children. He should be insisting the kitchen is upgraded sooner, but he’s alright, Jack.

This is such a difficult situation OP and your mother was of course grossly out of order. I can see why some people think you ought to take her to task but I agree with the others who say there’s no point. Cut off her supply and keep contact as low and drama-free as possible. Don’t give her any of the information she could use to do preposterous things like this.

(Your examples from your childhood reminded me very strongly of someone in my own family, especially the detail about Slimming World and then having an abundance of sweets and cakes in the house. My relative would have the treats out on open view then shout at her DC and body-shame them if they - unsurprisingly - asked for them. One of those DC has grown up with abysmal self-esteem and lifelong eating issues as a result.)

I suspect I would have hit the roof and had a big falling out with her but you sound nicer than me.

As long as you have straightened things out with your husband and he is now aware that you have never complained to your mum, you should tell your mum -

"Mother, what silly nonsense have you been saying to Fred? We are having the kitchen updated later this year and it's absolutely fine to use in the meanwhile. Have you had any other episodes of making things up to other people? Fred and I are worried you're going ga-ga!"

That should humiliate her enough to make her think twice about telling lies.

Then I would severely cut the amount of contact you have with her and never ever discus anything personal or about any future plans that she may try and twist to others!

I had a grandmother like this and she caused no end of trouble between her daughters-in-law. She would also embarrassingly fawn over grandchildren (and play favourites that swapped round).

We all learnt to treat whatever she said as a complete pack of lies (unfortunately too late to repair some relationships). There is absolutely no benefit in confronting her unless you want a final word before breaking off the relationship. She'll just spin your words round.

I agree with PP that the best thing you can do do is starve her of ammunition (and reduce contact). No sharing troubles or triumphs with her - she can't handle either well. Simple pleasantries and an absolute understanding between you, your DH and any of your children when they are old enough that whatever she says is never to be trusted.

I think OP you have two choices -

You can either carry on like this till your Mum dies - being 'bullied' by her actions and afraid of her, feeling intimidated...

Or you can take control and learn how to speak up for your own feelings.

If it's the latter you choose, you might find some counselling helpful so you learn how to express difficult emotions.

I don't agree your Mum is a 'lost cause' because most adults can change their behaviour if they want to, if they want to maintain a relationship, unless they are psychopaths.

Looking at the wider picture, I'm concerned that neither you nor your H appear to be able to express your emotions (he was 'off' and you didn't ask why.)

If your own parenting made you afraid to express your feelings for fear of ridicule or a strong reaction, this is something you might like to work on with a professional - not necessarily a counsellor but also professionals like psychologists who can give you the tools to help.

To be fair to DH, you can know someone is nuts, but it’s not until they pull their stratagems on you directly you learn quite how twisted they truly are. He’s been shielded by you from the true horror until now.

Do not challenge her, she will weaponise your defiance and peddle it that you are ‘abusing’ her.

The best thing you can do is say to your dh that you are going low contact. You can’t stand the lying and the interference and mean it.

At the moment you are giving her way too much power and she is using it to her advantage. Stop telling her anything. Stop being nice. Don’t let her ruin your relationships.

Dh needs to take everything she says with a pinch of salt, stop your dc from seeing her, they will be next.

Stately homes thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

‘Don’t ever fucking lie to my husband again or by fuck I’ll fucking go nuclear!! And don’t turn the fucking wailing on now, or the fucking pity me tears or the fucking drama llama techniques or by fuck it will be the last fucking time you fucking hear from us!! Am I fucking crystal clear?’

and silence.

I rarely swear and find that all then f’s shocked the one person so much that they knew I meant it. Never had to do it again.

Did she offer to arrange and pay for a new kitchen, just ignore her and laugh it off, don't confront her,it won't do any good or make any difference. If she asks if your dh mentioned their chat just say not really,something about you offering to buy us a new kitchen.

Do not challenge her, she will weaponise your defiance and peddle it that you are ‘abusing’ her.

This.
And the people imploring the OP to talk to her DM to give her a chance to "change her behaviour" are either astonishingly naive or have never had a close encounter with a narcissist.

That should humiliate her enough to make her think twice about telling lies.

Someone with an orderly personality yes. I’m fairly sure OP has many many instances where her mum should have come away from a situation she created and wonder about her own behaviour. That’s how most of us are learning. In your mums case this process is missing or too weak. As soon as she wonders about how she got where she is she looks at anything and everything other than her own actions.

Many of us have spent years simultaneously knowing and not knowing. We don’t confront them not so much to avoid drama but to avoid what we already know and what we saw again and again as a child. That when the rubber hits the road they will chose their own feelings over a connection with us. Every. Single. Time.

Sounds like the kind of behaviour that goes with cluster B personality disorders. I would minimise or cut contact completely. Tell your husband to ignore her. Don’t have her around your kids. Try not to give her headspace. She’s done enough damage already.

She will simply play the victim as a strategy to shut down the whole discussion. You can’t win with personalities like this.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning,

no she is not stop saying this from now on
she was abusive in childhood and is a total interfering self serving mentalist !

I would make it clear what she did was lying and shut stirring and let her know the hsrm it caused ( she will make it all about her so maybe wasting your breath )

go no contact for a month and evaluate what contact you want

disappointing your oh believed her and didn’t tell you sooner

If someone posts about a partner who lies. Or a friend tells us about another friend who lies. Do we say ‘you need to keep this relationship going and this is how you can learn to act like your partner/friend isn’t a liar. Yes she might be a liar but see her less often so you’re not so upset when she lies.’ Or do we day ‘there are 7 billion people out there and most of them can offer you love and respect’. There is a cost for all our actions and tolerating other people’s inability to care for us has a cost too.

You just tell your husband not to believe a word your mother says.

That would not end a relationship in a healthy marriage.

If she's that keen for you to have a new kitchen she can pay for it. Two can play at that game.

If I was your DH I would have said, "Great idea, how much were you planning to chip in? WellErrrr mentioned you were putting some money in, we really appreciate your generosity since we can't afford it on our own."

Then you both say you got confused and thought the other one mentioned she was, since you both knew you can't afford it, until she drops it.

I would go without a new kitchen for even longer just to let her seethe more hah. What a busybody.

And sorry your mum is a narc. We've got one of those too. We're very low contact!

Hmmm... do you think she just wants to brag to her friends about your 'lovely new kitchen?'

Must be very difficult but I don't think she can change so best that you and DH are clear (which you now are) on just how much of a trouble-maker she is.