Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

If someone has behaved badly, I think it's far better to tell them. Her mum is maybe not too old to learn how to behave differently.

OP doesn't need to be involved in the drama of it .

She just needs to say the intervention was uncalled for and not to interfere.

I am sorry your mother is so toxic. You don't have to confront her; in fact you don't have to be in contact with her at all.

You are absolutely right about how she will react. Don't confront your mother, she will love the drama. The absolute best thing to do is not react. Present the front that she has no impact on you, your DH or your home decor choices!

Then make sure that your DH knows she's batshit crazy and anything she says is manipulative self serving nonsense. You and him are a team. She is irrelevant to team lovebirds.

Wow, so many ready to jump on DH ignoring the dreadful mother!

What would be the point? She has been like this for OPs entire life. She will have known she was going behind OPs back and causing trouble because she was illustrating a situation to the DH that was 180 degrees from the one she had been told by her own daughter.

If this was a one off from a normally lovely person and from a place of concern over something far worse than a small sink and no dishwasher, a situation that is going to be rectified within months, then OK but it's not. She has decades of form for over-reacting and placing her own dramatic framework over low key situations. How is OP having a word back with someone like this going to change her innate personality?

If the OP dropped the rope entirely with her mother, the mother would 100% know the reason why. She is then free to apologise, maybe get some therapy and have a less toxic relationship with her daughter in the future if the OP is up for that but speaking to her would be pointless and carrying on as normal is enabling.

THIS!

My mother is like this, and my DP is like your DH. He knows not to listen to anything she says. I have a great relationship with my mother as I just take her with a pinch of salt and don't let her manipulate me, at all. You can only change the way you respond to people like that, they don't change.

I have quite a melodramatic mother and I just ignore her most dramatic outbursts. Literally just take no notice. We have a good relationship and get on fine and if she does begin to over dramatise, the crying thing about winning a sports trophy is very familiar to me, I and my children just roll out eyes and suggest putting the kettle on.

Ah my mum's like this. I'm low contact and never confront her or talk to her about anything more complex than telling her how wonderful she is!

I felt uneasy when I read your comment OP about your DH having a 'reasonable fear that I'll turn into my mother'.

Firstly it's not a reasonable fear, you're your own person. Secondly that's the kind of belief he could use to browbeat you with if you ever try to express any genuine and reasonable grievance or dissatisfaction in the marriage.

She is how she is because you don’t do anything about it.

I don’t lie about what my children have said to their partners. I never have lied about what they have said so it’s not like I needed to be trained not to lie. The reason the mum lies is because she wants people to do things that make her feel good. The op getting a new kitchen will make her feel good when she is in her social circle. That peoples feelings get hurt is of no concern to her.

I think you need to think about which relationship means more to you, your mother or your dh. I’d go extra low contact with her, and even so far as saying to go no contact.

I had a difficult mother. I just moved and went low contact.
Honestly it doesn't matter what you say or do she is marching to her own music.
This will happen again and again. Just stop trying I did, it worked.
I think you should have a word with your husband he sounds a little vulnerable to her nonsense if he believed her, surely he knows you well enough. And yes you need to protect your marriage and children from her. Stop trying to be nice to her, you know the best advice I ever had about my mother?
You can't be reasonable with unreasonable people, it doesn't work. It's a variant on don't try to teach a pig to sing it won't work and it annoys the pig!

I think you and dh need to be in lockstep on shutting her down. It isn't acceptable to say that its more trouble than its worth to confront her. This just enables her.
You are the role model for your dc and her batshittery will soon be an imposition on them. You can't tell them to suck it up.
You have to confront her, lay down the ground rules and stick to them.

I don’t suggest you do this but here’s what’s going through my head at the moment:

”mum, DH told me what you said and obviously he knew it wasn’t true but he was really embarrassed that you were lying to him and he didn’t know what to say to you. So he’s asked for you not to discuss anything with him again because he could barely keep from laughing and he really doesn’t want to hurt your feelings”.

don’t actually say this but think about how funny it would be if you did. Narc mums hate being seen as ridiculous and not in control.

This sounds like the voice of experience and I'm sure you're right. The one thing I would query is the idea that the OP's mother would know exactly why the OP had broken off contact if that were to happen. I suspect she might spend a lot of time wailing to other family members and her friends about her utter misery and bafflement about what she's done to upset OP. I don't have a narcissist in my life, fortunately, but I used to work with one and I don't get any sense that they spend any time soulsearching and looking at their own behaviour when they know someone's upset.

You have received the Special Training since childhood from your mother to put her needs first with your own dead last. Not merely content with giving you an ED as a result of incessantly talking to you about about size and weight she has further started on what she sees as the weakest link here i.e. your H and told him outright lies. Did he not really know what she is like?. Well he sure does now. You and he need to present a united front when it comes to your mother.

Drop the rope here re her. You all need to stay well away from her going forward as well as reducing all contact down to zero sum.

You do not mention your dad here; is he still in your life?.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking and she will further harm your family in similar ways as to how you have yourself been harmed. You need to protect yourselves from her.

How is she "kind and well meaning" exactly?
She is as abusive as someone who shouts and screams at you, she just has a different MO
Get some distance from her asap and stop her damaging your DC in the same way she damaged you. Ideally go NC but that might be too big a step for you just now

You also have two qualities your mother lacks; empathy and insight so you will not become like her. She does however think you are an extension of her.

Seeing her as kind and well meaning is all part of the Special Training as well. You grew up with your dysfunctional mother so regard this now as more of the same from her. She also installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you. She has certainly done you personally an awful lot of harm and she will indeed harm your family not too dissimilarly either.

I agree with those that say there's no point in confrontation. You want her to say "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that" but she won't. It's not how her mind works and you can't force it however frustrating it is.

She's projecting her feelings onto you but will be utterly convinced this is how you feel so to her, she's absolutely in the right.

Now is the opportunity to talk to your husband about the impact she had on you growing up (because even though he's heard it he probably didn't understand the irrational) and how you limit this for your own children.

It's hard accepting our parent isn't what we'd like them to be and we just have to deal with the one we have. Keep her at arm's length and develop some family hand signals for 'granny's being bonkers'.

Though in all seriousness it does sound like she probably has some sort of mental health or personality disorder.

This.

It is called narcissistic supply.

The 'feel good factor' of thinking they have achieved something, no matter the effect on those around them, is more important to the narc than any fall out as the fall out can be summarily dismissed.

Personalities like this can never be changed. They are fundamentally toxic to those around them as they care more about their own feelings than they do about harming others.

I used to see this up close as my DSS married one. He went from having a nice life and doing well to walking on eggshells constantly and spending every waking minute appeasing her, no matter her requirements changed by the hour. He is a shadow of his former self, he is thin, grey and stressed to the point he has medical symptoms. He has gone from having investments and savings to being in debt up to his eyeballs as a result of trying to make nice and has tried to steal from us in the process.

We dropped the rope and ended the relationship before we were turned into the cause rather than the effect in the eyes of the rest of the family. Luckily, as these types do, she has moved on to another victim and another and another.

The more victims these people have, the more likely the penny will drop with their wider audience and that is gradually what has happened among our lot. They can now see why we won't go near and they are gradually removing themselves from her orbit too.

This is why these types often end up alone or with a partner prepared to turn a blind eye.

@WellErrrr if you don’t want to experience her dramatic response you could send her a letter? Or write it down, show DH and then decide whether to send it.

Don't forget she doesn't have a dishwasher! I mean that's probably why her mum says its terrible he has left her with such a bad kitchen .
The pressure he must be under to earn enough to do it quicker

Do people really take characters like your dm seriously? Surely your dh and you know what she's like and have a laugh about her. Why would she have any kind of power to "ruin" your relationship?

Write it down but DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. She would see a letter, no matter how carefully worded, as a personal attack on her and she would behave accordingly.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.