Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

It's a kind of narcissism. Because she's wants it then it's self evident that everyone would want the same thing.

That encapsulate a lot of troublesome behavior we've had from some family members though we rapdily learnt to run it past each other rather then dwell on what they claimed.

She caused you to have an eating disorder and has weird emotional outburts in front of your own children.

I'm not sure why she isn't already low or no contact, but keep her away from the kids. A relationship with her sounds like it can only harm, there is no benefit to them or you.

Your so called mother is not only unhinged but a Liar too. Time to cut ties with her completely as she’s no good around your husband and children. It’s a shame you can’t move out of the area. That would be even better.

It must be a relief for you to know that he can see her for what she is, and I wouldn’t dwell too much on the fact that he initially believed her as from what you’ve said, she sounds an expert in gaslighting.

This is why you need to confront her. I don’t think it’s catastrophising to say that this could well have been the end of your marriage, had he decided that you and your mum were colluding behind his back.

I know you say she’s difficult, but that shouldn’t stop you from taking her aside, and telling her your DH told you what she’d said and that you are beyond furious. You need to make it crystal clear that she’s crossed a line, that your marriage is your own business and that the next time she interferes will be the last.

Hopefully your husband is now VERY clear that she was lying to him, and will ignore pretty much anything like this that she says on the future.
The best course of action is to go very low contact with her. She’s been making you unhappy for years, won’t stop, and you deserve to be free of this and not be weighed down by her (I know how that feels).
It’s really upsetting to see that she’s affecting your kids. You need to protect them from her, otherwise she’ll make them unsettled and unhappy too.

you don't like confrontation - your mother didn't or doesn't do confrontation and that is your biggest problem

just tell your mother that it is not appreciated for her to "have a word" with your dh and tell him a load of bullshit
. Tell her to never ever do that again and don't do passive aggressive either.

its about time you learnt that falling out with someone is ok

It sounds like it would be pointless to confront her so my suggestion is to write to her (post it through her door then she can't claim she didn't get it) and tell her from now on you will be having very low contact with her as you are no longer prepared to put up with her manipulation.
Tell her she put your DH in a very awkward position and could have caused big problems in your marriage.
Say that she is not welcome at your house so not to turn up and expect to be welcomed.
Don't hold back, she needs to hear the truth.
Good luck.

I don’t think it was unreasonable for DH to keep this to himself for a while. If DM is so persuasive and has such outstanding gaslighting abilities then he probably kept quiet because he didn’t know how to approach it, given the relationship OP has with her. I’d be upset but given that they’ve now talked and he’s given his reasons I’d try to move past it. The alternative is giving DM what she wants - a rift between them.

Low contact and telling your DH not to listen to her is the way to deal with this - she is wanting to create drama between you, so confronting her will give her the drama she's craving.

I'm surprised your DH believed her, my mum has a mum like this and my Dad always just ignored every mental thing she said and used to laugh about it.

In a normal relationship, spouse A (DH here) is generally reluctant to criticise spouse B's (OP here) DPs. You put up with your PIL's little quirks, because most of us get defensive when people criticise their parents, even if the criticism is objectively fairly valid. It's part of the compromises we all make in a relationship.

People who are dunking on DH here are expecting him to join with OP in calling his MIL batshit. That's something that is very difficult to do. Even if OP is bashing her DM at level 90 out of a possible 100, I'm not sure how she would react if DH let it all hang out at level 95. Each spouse has, in some sense, the final say about what level of criticism towards their own parents is acceptable.

So while DH certainly needs to be supportive of OP, it's going to be hard for him, next time DM corners him, to internally just laugh and say "DMIL you are so full of shit". He will always wonder whether some bits of the story might be true, because we are all wired to basically believe people; overriding that takes a lot of conscious effort, especially if it implicitly requires permission from your spouse. It may take a long time for DH to get past this, especially if he has no previous experience of this kind of person.

WellErrr, I think the only way to handle the situation is exactly what you and DH have done. Well done!

Keep reminding him that if you were to have a problem with him or how he 'looks after' you, you will tell him, using your big words. There is no hidden agenda, there never will be a hidden agenda because you are a grown up and he is to ignore anything said by your mother or other family members.

Being a man (😁), he might forget that some women are not open and honest in their dealings, which is why I said to keep reminding him what your mother is like, from time to time. Keep strong together - and speaking from experience, dealing with DC while DH works away from home does get easier as they grow up.

I'd have cut all ties long ago @WellErrrr she can't be healthy to be around for anyone in your family.

It's extremely difficult to stand up to a parent who has bullied and dominated you since you were born. But you have to find a way to shut her down and take control of the situation OP

OP, you have described my mum. Especially the food relationship.
She also thinks my husband doesn't look after me when he really does.

She sounds a very difficult person to be around, and that was a massive overstepping of boundaries.

Regarding kitchens.. DS has bought an old house and he and his partner went for over a year without a kitchen while they saved up, cooking on a small portable stove, and washing up in a bowl in the bathroom...
Going to a laundrette.. Freezer in a spare room.

Their kitchen now is lovely!

They too saved - the kitchen needed a total rebuild, it wasn't just units.

Big hug to you. Scream into a pillow - it helps! My bat shit narc DM is similar but would NEVER cry, I'd just get the stony silence for days on end. It's good you've cleared it up with DH - good practice for when your kids are older you need to be a tag team. I would not put anything in writing that she can pore over and agonise on every word, low contact is the way to go - the way she is with your kids is damaging.
My DD whilst really lovely has never stepped up to her, he recognises this now but it's kind of too late. The over spending on unnecessary things can be a sign of alzheimers/dementia, but also narc mothers cannot stand to see their daughters doing better than them. So maybe trying to stay ahead?
Kids can help with the dishes, it would be good for them, I did from the age of 5 😉

With a parent like this, it's best for everyone to keep relations at the level of platitudes. You can't give them anything more, because nothing remains what it truly is. Everything becomes distorted.

It's such a shame.

I have have hit the roof with her and given her the silent treatment for a good while!!!!!

Sounds covert/vulnerable narcissist to me OP. I have similar experience with own mother and it’s really unpleasant so you have my total empathy. You can see how easily these characters wreak havoc on otherwise straightforward relationships. Always when they aren’t getting enough attention, they stir up drama. Low contact is the easiest thing for me and I’m wondering whether it would be a benefit to you too. Trying to stay outside of the drama, the ‘grey rock’ approach. Sounds like you’re navigating this so well. Remember confronting someone like this generally ends badly. It’s so hard to not be able to share how you feel but it’s the sad reality. Sending love to you and your DH.

You can’t fix your mother or change her behaviour and it sounds like she will react terribly to criticism of any kind. So you can only choose how much you want her to be in your life.

Your marriage is the thing to address here. Your DH was off with you for two weeks before explaining what was wrong? Or have I misread that? Surely he knows you well enough and knows your history with your mother well enough that he shouldn’t have taken everything she said at face value? And should have told you what happened straight away?

I assume she meant off with her as he is off work on days off so with her, not on the rigs working.

I think you're focusing too much on the 'pointlessness' of speaking to her due to her predictable reaction and unlikeliness to change, plus your aversion to confrontation, rather than what is actually important here - your DH and the awful way she spoke to him.

I can see why you'd be a bit pissed at DH for spending a fortnight stewing rather than calling you, but he isn't the main issue here, is he?

If I were in his position, I'd really struggle with DH refusing to at least tell his Mother how out of order her actions were. You are expecting him to put up with her batshit ways because YOU'VE been conditioned to accept it over the years and that's really not fair.

The very least you could do is send her a text stating that she should not have spoken to him secretly and she needs to butt out in future. You could then block her for a while if you want to avoid the drama.

I know you see it as pointless, but it's not. It's standing up for yourself and your husband.

She continues this behaviour because you all put up with it.

I wouldn't confront her, she's one of those people who'll make it all about her.

Just slowly disengage and grey rock if she confronts you.

You could tie yourself up trying to get her to understand but she never will.

DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

He went away 2 weeks ago & is still away is how I read it

You have had great advice here.

I too don't like the way your husband has voiced the fact that he is concerned you will end up like your mother. My dad is a sociopath, and if my husband ever said he was worried that I might end up like him, we would have a massive problem. He couldn't insult me more.

That and the fact that he was off with you instead of talking to you (almost a punishment) is what I find the most concerning.

I'd be having a good look at that and his reasoning for voicing these 'concerns', that are not at all understandable.