Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

Your DH also let you down here. He should know better than to be sucked into her warped version of things, and better than to sulk and make his reaction to your mum your problem.

Oh boy, you really need to tell her she is out of order and go low contact

You could have written this about me, OP. Same story, unfortunately.

Your Mum, a lot like mine, sounds like she has a histrionic narcissistic personality disorder.

As a child of a narcissist mother, you will never win. Like you say, they will spin it so they're the victim and you're mean for not accepting their help. My mother starts with a baby voice. It's utterly pathetic. I only see her two/three times a year and communicate via email mostly. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't speak to her at all. My sister hasn't spoken to her in years. The other is also low contact. They are draining and selfish and bring nothing to your life.

Out of interest, what benefit do the grandchildren of narcs get out of the relationship? I'm curious as to why any parent would want to maintain the relationship given what they'd gone through themselves?

While you’d be justified in doing so, I don’t think confronting her will get anywhere somehow. She sounds a bit like she’s in a world of her own. (It might still be worthwhile doing for your own sake, to get it off your chest, but I would keep your expectations low.)

I would try and laugh it off with DH (this is not to trivialise her upsetting, weird, potentially damaging behaviour – but just finding a way to laugh at how absurd it is can put it into perspective, from experience). And other than that just keep her at arms length and take anything she says with a pinch of salt. Hopefully DH now knows to ignore anything she says.

Most people won’t know their parent is a narcissist, particularly if they are a covert narcissist that present as a victim, they are accomplished manipulators.

Assuming you know your parent is a covert narcissist you will have spent your whole life conditioned to accept them - and quite unable to stand up to them. Low betide anyone taking this position of challenging them. They will be painted as the world’s worst person.

After navigating some kind of tightrope you then have to figure out how to protect your dc. They can make very loving grandparents, at least on the surface. It would seem cruel and unkind to deprive a child. So that’s why it’s hard and challenging. Narcissists are not always easy to spot, they are impossible to manage and most people would like a loving family around them.

Don’t mention it to her. She’s clearly irrational and it will serve no practical purpose. It’s a massive win for you and Dh though anyway as you now have incontrovertible evidence that what she says is completely unreliable and should be treated as such. You can maintain contact but with this in mind. Treat her like a delusional mentally incapacitated close relative. You can still be a daughter to her if that’s what you want but with that caveat of never taking anything she says seriously. It’s doable. People with mentally ill relatives do it with practice and learn to distance themselves from the emotionally hurtful aspects eventually.

I doubt she'll ever learn. Might be able to suppress it, but this is who she is.

Good thing you moved further away OP, just ignore the stuff she comes up with and make clear you and DH are a team.

I'd mention it as: I can see how you were trying to help with the kitchen, but DH and I had already agreed on waiting, so that's what we're doing.
No accusations, just facts.

I can't speak for everyone but my mum is actually kind to my children. I mean, they have no separate relationship with her, they never see her alone and only see her two/three times a year. I want them to decide for themselves but if it became toxic before then I'd stop it immediately. They are also aware of how she treats me now they're a bit older. Maybe it's because I've technically been groomed by my mum and she's still my mum, I feel obliged to her in some way. I mean, it's not just someone you work with you can just cut ties with that easily. I think part of you hopes, even though you know they won't, that they will change one day and become the parent you always dreamt of? It's just not so black and white when it's your mum. The person supposed to love you beyond anything else. It's hard to let go.

I went very low contact with mine in my 20's. I sort of understand your point on conditioning. I just was the black sheep and stayed away as much as possible.

If you know your parent is toxic, though I still don't get why you'd risk your own family being tainted by them

Facescar77

re your comment
" I think part of you hopes, even though you know they won't, that they will change one day and become the parent you always dreamt of?".

That is precisely the problem but you will have to let go of any and all residual hope that she will change because that will not happen. It is a trap so many adult children of narcissists fall into.

When the toxic parent is not owning the responsibility of their actions, when they are unwilling to address them, to look at them, to work on them, there is no hope for change — none. And the sooner you bury that hope and you mourn the idea of what you thought that relationship was, who you thought that person was, the future that you imagined and hoped for, the sooner you bury that and mourn that, the better. Because that hope is toxic. That hope starts to pollute your life. That hope starts to make you feel like you’re going insane because you’re continually coming back for more abuse from a person who is never going to change.

Look at their actions. What are their actions telling you? Actions are telling you whether a person is changing or not. If they’re continuing to use these same covert manipulation strategies, they’re not changing.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. Emotional harm is being done to them right in front of your very eyes; a look, a pinch, she may well already be choosing a favourite and scapegoat amongst your children. She will use them to get back at you.

Do keep your children away from your mother, they will thank you for doing that for them. She's already harmed you and in turn will harm your kids if you allow access despite your own experiences of her. Your mother likes them only because they give her narcissistic supply.

Get really honest and really clear with yourself and recognie when it’s time to bury that hope because the sooner you do that, the sooner you accept that that person has a real problem and they’re not going to change and it’s actually safer to bury that hope so you can go on with your life, the easier it’s going to be for you to go on. You have the right to happiness and peace of mind. You have the right to follow your dreams and to be hopeful for the future. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t care about that, on someone who’s just going to take a crap all over that. You deserve so much better.

Confront her, then cut ties.

sorry but if that was my mum and I hadn't said anything to her I'd be going mad regardless of weather she spoke to me again or not,if you ain't that close to begin with let her know you won't be pushed about anymore,seems like there's a lot of times growing up you was treat different to other kids and missed out on that maternal love,I did,and I hated it,I was a quiet shy kid but as I got older and had my own kids I realised my mothers way of doing things was totally crazy and had me over a barrel,I got her told,she didn't speak to me for about 4 months then she messaged me and said sorry for everything including when I was a kid,and we've been closer than ever (my dad brought me up on he's own as mother's social life was far more important to her than her child ) so might work out better in the long run for you to speak to her about it,don't have to be a slanging match just say it in a nice way and say do you get it could of ended my relationship,if you don't like the kitchen stay away till it's done,your home is exactly that,your home and you live how you want to live not by anyone else's standards love,she might sit down and think yano what I have been a bitch to her all my life now is time to change,I do still get mad with my mother at times when I see playing with my kids and been the best nana ever coz she is a cool nana but as a mother she sucked badly at it and I just think why couldn't you of been like this with me when I was crying out for it as a kid,talk to her have it out with her before she drives you insane x