Mother ‘had a word’ with DH

[WellErrrr]

I am furious and don’t know how to react.

My mother is generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times. I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around her emotions. Grew to dread special occasions and still do to this day - Mother’s Day for example would generally be a day of her crying and banging things around the house because she felt she hadn’t had as much fuss made of her as her friends had. Talking endlessly about diets and taking me to slimming world with her each week, whilst filling the house with cakes and sweets. I now have an ED. I left home at 17 and whilst I’ve never fallen out with her, we have never been close. We’re very different people. She is very high maintenance emotionally and pretty much impossible to talk to normally, because she will cry or come out with ridiculous things that you just can’t answer. Eg if I say one of the kids got athlete of the week at cricket club, she will cry actual tears then find the child and tell them how much it means to her, then come out with some made up anecdote about my childhood and the time I won the cricket World Cup, then keep looking at the child, smiling and breaking into fresh sobs. Everyone including the child feels incredibly awkward and wants to disappear.
I could go on but won’t.

DH is a quiet person and has always struggled with her but used to make an effort. He just avoids her now.

DH works on oil rigs so is often away. Mother lives near the port. DH went away 2 weeks ago and has been off with me ever since.

Last night it came out. He bumped into my mum when he was leaving, and she asked him for a word. She said that he wasn’t treating me well enough and that I was always a child who has to have what I want, or I will be unhappy. Now that he is looking after me he needs to give me what I want, and by not doing so he’s making me sad. Mum said that he obviously hadn’t realised which is why she is telling him.
Now, what I actually want at the moment is a new kitchen. We moved into a house we are renovating and the kitchen is awful. However - DH and I are in full agreement that we are not going to borrow money to do this. We will be able to afford it later in the year and we’re both happy to wait. Obviously it’s not easy cooking for 4 kids on my own in a really crap kitchen, but I don’t mind - we’ll get a new one when we can afford it.

Mum does not see it this way. She’s appalled at the kitchen and won’t believe that I am ok about it. So what she said to DH is that I cry about the kitchen but won’t tell him. That it’s shameful that he allows his wife to live like this. That I was used to nice things with them and it’s a shame I have to live in squalor now etc.

The way she said it to DH was as if I’d been moaning to her nonstop and slagging him off then acting fine to him. When I’ve never actually mentioned it. So DH was quite upset but as he’s not a talker it took a while for me to discover it.

What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then.

Aren't chains ashamed of their prisoners? Brilliant book by Janet Fitch. Never mind the plot, but the sayings!!!!

Why are you still bothering with your mother, OP? Your loyalty should be to your husband. Just see your mother as little as possible, and tell her absolutely nothing about your life.

She's projecting her feelings onto you but will be utterly convinced this is how you feel so to her, she's absolutely in the right.

This is so true.

I can't believe your DH believed her and was off with you for two weeks....that is what I'd be pissed off about

Me too.

However, I'm surprised that your DH believed this but also didn't say anything to you? He knows what she's like?

Hope everything is OK now. Have you read about narcissism OP? Some therapy might be helpful.

I actually think you should ignore her completely. Don’t feed into the drama. Say nothing at all and if she brings it up just laugh and say what are you talking about that’s so silly. I have someone like your mum in my life and it’s always better not to engage - if you read her the riot act she’s got what she wants out of interfering!

Looks like she's developed her own emotional Munchausens into an emotional Munchausen by proxy.

Sadly your husband has been caught up in this triangle.

It must be very draining for you to cope with all of this. I'm not sure a blow up would solve matters even if it gave some relief at the time.

Perhaps lower, more controlled contact?

I thought that, and as the op has griped to her mother she has brought this on hersel

"What do I do? If I confront her it will be dreadful, I’m not sure I’m up for it really. Or that it will solve anything. I think I just need to have as little to do with her as possible but I feel mean then."
You 'feel mean' because she has trained you since the day you were born to pander to her and only her, so not pandering to her batshittery goes against the grain (the grain she imposed upon the child-you, not your natural grain). As has been mentioned - "you can't change other people, only how you respond to them". Changing you response would make a huge difference to you, shucking off that feeling that your job is to keep her happy. I'd start by pondering on why you think she is "generally kind and well-meaning, but is a very difficult character at times", because clearly she's neither kind nor well-meaning, and I suspect you only view her as being difficult 'at times' because when she's not being difficult it's because you are being submissive to her - adopting your childhood role of pandering to her moods. I'd bet you do this instinctively - all those years of training she got in. I think you will benefit from standing back emotionally and see her not as kind and well-meaning, but as the selfish dictator she really is.

Having as little to do with her as possible is a great plan. Having no contact at all would be better, but I'd imagine she'd put full effort into preventing that - but it's still worth having it as your ultimate aim.

How often do you see her? What steps could you surreptitiously take to keep her at arm's length? Does she live near? What could you do short of confrontation? Could you become less available? Could you move time commitments (with 4 children you must have quite a few of those) to times that are less convenient for her so that she thinks she is the one choosing to spend less time with you? If she uses childcare as a tool, can you ensure you have other arrangements in place?

Her behaviour towards your children is worrying. To be blunt, she fucked up your childhood massively, and she'd do the same to them given the chance. I'm sure you're protecting them, but maybe up that protection by introducing them gently to the idea that Granny is 'odd' and whilst we shouldn't mock the afflicted we should know that a lot of what she says isn't true. Consider that to be just another childhood inoculation. An important protection.

There is also the old adage 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. You have always submitted to her because she trained you to do so. She keeps you in line with the fear that "If I confront her it will be dreadful". Not submitting is the aim, maybe addressing the fear is where to start. The more you can detach yourself from her, the less fear you will have of her being dreadful. Hopefully to the point that after a period of low contact, you will feel strong enough to go no contact.

Ps speak to DH about a united front always. He has been daft to believe her. At least now he really understands what she’s capable of.

This is very kindly meant and not in anyway trying to minimise the huge stress she’s put you under all your life. But if you and your DH are solid and happy together, try to laugh about it.

Your mum clearly has lots of issues and some v sexist views. ‘Now your DH is ‘looking after you’’? No, you’re a woman who looks after yourself!

I wouldn’t confront her. It only makes things worse. She may even be consciously or subconsciously doing it to cause you more trouble and stress. So, the best response is nothing. Just try to ignore her. Keep your relationship pretty superficial, as she clearly can’t be relied on to have humility or put others first, as a good parent/grandparent should.

I have a difficult mother, though not as bad as yours. I just accept how she is and don’t let it affect me. Mostly, I laugh (bit of dark humour always helps) or feel sorry for her.

Sure, mum sounds like an interfering cow but why couldn’t the husband just ask his wife? Your mum says you’re actually really unhappy about the kitchen blah blah blah… very childish to just be off with OP over it.

I'm not a very confrontational person but I honestly think in this case I would confront her and give her both barrels. She has outright lied to your DH, telling her you said and felt things you simply didn't. She may have imagined you felt that strongly about the kitchen, but she had no right to make assumptions about it, and certainly not to go behind your back and cause trouble (or could have caused trouble) with your DH. I would be spelling out that she could have damaged your relationship with DH, and telling her that if she ever does something like that again, you will not be seeing her again. And stick to it, if you have to. I know someone whose mum has behaved appallingly towards her in a very different way, and who has made the decision not to have anything more to do with her - she's open about the fact that it hurts sometimes, but she can't lay herself open to the damage her mum does any more.

I suspect that the DH was taken by the story from a known troublemaker because he wanted to believe it and is actually concerned that the kitchen arrangements are deficient. What is a little concerning there is him being off with OP and not saying they should talk about the kitchen timetable. Agree though that confronting the mum won't help.

I don’t envy you to be in your position.

it happened to me with mine and I didn’t confront her as it would have been twisted and a different story badmouthing me told to others. I went no contact as that was the easiest.

narcissistic mothers are difficult to deal with and the silent treatment is often the only way to deal with them.

I agree actually. They never see themselves as anything beyond a force for good.

With my step DIL, I think she knew I could 'see' her. She would have interpreted this as me not liking her of course but I saw her infrequently and was careful to be friendly towards her.

I predicted that because she knew I was on to her, they would split off from us and try and keep the money we, as a couple, had loaned them and I was right. They stopped communicating with us.

After many months of this, DH asked for the money back as they asked to borrow it for two years and had had it for four and a half with no payments and interest free. We had earmarked it for a specific purpose and actually needed it for that purpose.

We received a letter saying they were not going to pay it back (exhibit A) so I threatened them with court action.

I imagine they were stunned and I heard on the family grapevine that this was true. They thought we would just roll over and lose thousands but they paid within three days so they clearly could pay it.

Basically they were planning on dropping us but wanted to get a massive wad into the bargain when we had been kind enough to loan it in the first place.

You cannot deal with people like this. Ever.

Simply tell her "Do NOT ever do this again!"

Let her rant, let her wail - just ignore it all.

I was quite disappointed that he believed it but weve talked about it now and it’s ok. He understandably has a fear of me turning into my mother so it did really upset him to think that we’d been in cahoots slagging him off. He knows how ridiculous that is now and we’re friends again!

I would not confront her. Unless you're planning to go NC, what's the point? She's not going to change. Damage limitation is the way forward, imo.

Rather I'd be telling your husband, as forcefully as you like, that he needs to treat her like the madwoman she is. Smile and nod at her nonsense by all means, but to regard it all as the ravings of some poor soul unless he has personally heard it from your own mouth.

Not the slightest point in confronting. Her whole personality is psychological defenses to avoid self-reflection and taking responsibility.

Just make sure you and DH are on the same page.

I would be more upset that she keeps belittling your children's achievements. Telling them that what they achieved is good but not as good as you achieved is really painful for a child. It happened to me a lot, and it still hurts. I would interrupt every time she waxed lyrical about your imagined achievements and say, I never did that, you are imagining it. Your children's happiness and confidence is more important than trying to keep her happy.
Re the kitchen why on earth did your husband, knowing what your mum is like, a) believe her and b) not speak to you immediately about it?
I would call her, knowing she will create drama, and just tell her to stop. Tell her she didn't think she was helping you, she was just trying to get her own way because she thought it wasn't good enough. When she starts being upset tell her she is only upset because she feels is being challenged. If she tries anything like that again that you will stop inviting her round.

Noone is going to end a relationship because their MIL who cries over sports awards says their wife is crying over an outdated kitchen 😂

You need to go extremely low contact with your mother and put many boundaries in place. About confronting her, I think you won't get anything out of it but to feed her the drama and attention she seeks.
You need to be in on this together, you and your DH: he needs to be aware of your mother tricks and manipulation so he doesn't fall for it.
You could read "Adult children of emotionally inmature parents": I think you'll find her there.

Your mum isn't going to listen to you as she doesn't, and probably never will, see you as an independent woman with your own thoughts which are different to hers.
Your husband needs to learn to be confident in not believing a word she says. I'd go as far as never letting your mum get to be alone with him. She's dangerous.

You need to tell her. Yes, she will react badly and make herself the victim. But if you don't say anything then she will do it again. She will think she can play you off against each other, and that leaves your H very unfairly caught in the middle.

The way to deal with this is very calmly and to the point. Tell her you know what she said. That you are disappointed that she has told lies, and not to do it again.

When she does the whole 'woe is me' routine, you need to stay calm and neutral. If she dissolves into tears and drama, then stay neutral but don't cave.

This is a scenario where 'I'm sorry you feel that way' can be useful. If she goes down the route of saying that she's always to blame, only trying to help etc - I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not appropriate for you to tell lies about me to my husband. Please don't do it again. Then end the conversation - walk away, or finish the call.

She will probably go into wounded mode for a bit - but drop the rope and let her come to you. If she brings it up again then a short reminder - Mum, we've talked about this, I've told you it's not appropriate and not to do it again, there's nothing further to say. If she pushes it, then end the conversation and walk away. Doing this puts the responsibility back to her to manage her own feelings and presents her with a clear choice - she needs to play by the new rules or you won't engage with her.

Long term you need to think about whether this is a relationship that you want to maintain. If it is then giving her very clear boundaries, and telling her unambiguously when she oversteps them, is key.

Exactly