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Original poster

DH says I am lying about fertility results

183 replies

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:23

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

OP posts:
Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 02/03/2025 09:26

Was he a willing participant in #4 and #5?

Tests and theories in isolation of actually TTC are rubbish indicators of fertility. If you want to know if you have low fertility try and make a baby. Your fertility is clearly absolutely fine. Both you and DH seem to have put too much stock in the clinic’s words.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:28

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 02/03/2025 09:26

Was he a willing participant in #4 and #5?

Tests and theories in isolation of actually TTC are rubbish indicators of fertility. If you want to know if you have low fertility try and make a baby. Your fertility is clearly absolutely fine. Both you and DH seem to have put too much stock in the clinic’s words.

4 and 5 were both his idea that he practically begged and pressured for

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 02/03/2025 09:29

I don't understand why, when he reached the number of children he was happy with, he didn't just say "I'm done, I'll get the snip"

JimHalpertsWife · 02/03/2025 09:29

Oh! Just seen your update.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:31

JimHalpertsWife · 02/03/2025 09:29

I don't understand why, when he reached the number of children he was happy with, he didn't just say "I'm done, I'll get the snip"

I asked him to get the snip after our 4th, he kept saying he would but then said he couldnt do it

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:31

JimHalpertsWife · 02/03/2025 09:29

I don't understand why, when he reached the number of children he was happy with, he didn't just say "I'm done, I'll get the snip"

I asked him to get the snip after our 4th, he kept saying he would but then said he couldnt do it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:31

Such selfish men do not get the snip readily if at all. He to my mind wants to keep the OP barefoot and pregnant as a means of controlling her. And its working, he is certainly keeping the OP cowed.

WakingUpToReality · 02/03/2025 09:34

This doesn’t make sense. He wanted 5 children? So why is he trying to find a way to blame you for something?

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:36

WakingUpToReality · 02/03/2025 09:34

This doesn’t make sense. He wanted 5 children? So why is he trying to find a way to blame you for something?

He is saying i lied to him 12 years ago and that he never would have started a family that young but that the results put him under pressure to do so and that my "lies" forced him and he didnt get to choose for himself

OP posts:
tygertygers · 02/03/2025 09:41

This sounds like such a headfuck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:42

He is blaming you for a situation he partially caused by not being present for you all those years ago (work was one thing but he also put football and his social life ahead of you). Your loneliness and PND led to developing a gambling problem that to your credit you addressed and took full responsibility for. He is resentful even now of this happening at all and uses this as a stick to beat you with. His silent treatment towards you is a further example of emotional abuse.

The atmosphere for your children is claustrophobic as well as damaging to them. Your eldest children in particular know far more about the parlous state of the marriage than perhaps their dad in particular cares to realise. And he at heart does not care about you or they for that matter.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:44

tygertygers · 02/03/2025 09:41

This sounds like such a headfuck.

it is, I know i need to be strong, fight and stand my ground but its so hard, im so tired and drained with daily life, pregnancy and him

OP posts:
Frostynoman · 02/03/2025 09:47

Is he getting itchy feet and wanting to play away do you think and trying to build something against you to make it okay in his mind? He sounds awful

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:48

"He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this"

If he does go to this clinic he can arrange that appointment and you can attend that appointment with him. And then when he does find that you were told the correct information at the time he will merely go onto find something else concerning you to further beat you about the head with.

This is highly damaging for all your children to be seeing and I would urge you to seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce from him as soon as you are able.

stanleypops66 · 02/03/2025 09:48

There's obviously more going on here. Does he have trust issues otherwise?

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/03/2025 09:50

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:31

Such selfish men do not get the snip readily if at all. He to my mind wants to keep the OP barefoot and pregnant as a means of controlling her. And its working, he is certainly keeping the OP cowed.

Sadly my thoughts too.

@imsolosthere get on contraception after this baby. Even better don’t have sec with this bully.
Can we help with any advice to help
you make a plan to leave?
What is your housing situation ?
Do you work, have support friends family ?

bifurCAT · 02/03/2025 09:51

Lol, unlikely doesn't mean impossible. Basic probability. If you've got a 1/10 chance of getting pregnant in a year, there will be that one in a million person who has six kids after six years, statistically.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:53

stanleypops66 · 02/03/2025 09:48

There's obviously more going on here. Does he have trust issues otherwise?

everything is in my original post linked in the OP

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 02/03/2025 09:54

So he continued having unprotected sex, was he thinking you wouldn't get pregnant? Were the pregnancies not planned?

You can request your medical notes from the clinic. But why if he wanted kids is he doing this?

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/03/2025 09:55

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:44

it is, I know i need to be strong, fight and stand my ground but its so hard, im so tired and drained with daily life, pregnancy and him

Show quote history

Ok how about turn your focus to you and the baby.
From now on don’t fight him just say ok whatever you think. If he is bullying you then you have every right to keep up with the “don’t talk to me’

Are you Able to get to a solicitors app when he is at work ?
Make this your first step and remember to book a few free half hours at the best lawyers then he can’t use them.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:58

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/03/2025 09:50

Sadly my thoughts too.

@imsolosthere get on contraception after this baby. Even better don’t have sec with this bully.
Can we help with any advice to help
you make a plan to leave?
What is your housing situation ?
Do you work, have support friends family ?

Show quote history

I have told him im done with our relationship. We only bought this house a year ago but its big enough to the point we would only have to share the kitchen and dining room. Separate bedrooms, living rooms and bathrooms.

I work as a childminder, I earn enough to cover half the mortgage, bills and be able to save money too.

I have family but i have not involved them yet. Im not making any other big changes until after baby is born as im just trying to focus on keeping him safe in there

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 10:00

autisticbookworm · 02/03/2025 09:54

So he continued having unprotected sex, was he thinking you wouldn't get pregnant? Were the pregnancies not planned?

You can request your medical notes from the clinic. But why if he wanted kids is he doing this?

All children were planned

I have requested the notes

my guess is just another thing to use against me

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 02/03/2025 10:09

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:58

I have told him im done with our relationship. We only bought this house a year ago but its big enough to the point we would only have to share the kitchen and dining room. Separate bedrooms, living rooms and bathrooms.

I work as a childminder, I earn enough to cover half the mortgage, bills and be able to save money too.

I have family but i have not involved them yet. Im not making any other big changes until after baby is born as im just trying to focus on keeping him safe in there

Show quote history

Hi I’ve just quickly read over your posts on your other thread.
He is a bully . He was wrong leaving you at home with three kids you were lonely and you gambled ( a mistake you sorted ) maybe it’s his guilt and he knows he was a shit husband. .
Everyone makes mistakes it doesn’t define who you are as a person.

I would call women’s aid for support and advice.
It’s emotional abuse. .
And the throwing you out your home!

Have you moved into the spare room yet ?
If not do so asap I wouldn’t share a bed with him.
Tell the kids you need the extra space with your baby belly. Then just stay there .

He may get nastier with no sex. I’d keep a diary of his carry on as if he forces or try’s to push you for sex you have it logged might be easier to hand to someone instead of verbally telling people.
If he decided to get that nasty then you may have a case to get him out the house but could you afford it?
Do you have an idea of what child maintenance you would be entitled too .
Womens aid can help with housing you .
Things take time so best to start now

DontTakeNonsense · 02/03/2025 10:12

He is blaming you for his inadequacies generally, & his inability to control his fertility by using birth control then & now.
If it's all down to you, then he's not taking any responsibility.
He either leaves it up to you & trusts you, or he stops having sex, if he can't put a Johnny on it or get surgery.

He's taking the shine off your amazing fertility. Well done on achieving your family.
If you don't want to lose the relationship, put him firmly back in his place til you can manage independently. Then maybe plan to go it alone in 5 years time.

Your medical records are private. I'm not sure a consultant would go along with a demanding controlling partner asking to access them. That should be a red flag to a medical professional.

sprigatito · 02/03/2025 10:14

If my husband accused me of lying, especially about something as serious as this, we would be over. Trust is everything.