DH says I am lying about fertility results

[imsolosthere]

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

So basically he had no issue until 5 months ago.

What changed 5 months ago? Not you getting pg but something else?

Because I can’t understand why he’d have such a change of mind suddenly when he was the one who wanted a 5th child.

@imsolosthere when you look back, when did his behaviour changed? What else could have happened?
I know you’re saying there is no OW. But something has pushed him over the edge so to speak and made questions things. Or something made him question the whole marriage and use the ‘I think you lied’ as an excuse.

Unless he is just your classic abuser that has now ramped up his abusive behaviour once again

It takes two to tango. If your husband didn't want five children, he should have considered contraception at some point along the way. It's easy to say that he wouldn't have had children so early, if he had known that the issues with your fertility weren't as severe as you were led to believe. But sure, with the benefit of hindsight, we'd all do things differently. He had children because he was afraid of missing out on fatherhood (and I'm sure you were equally afraid of missing out on motherhood). You made a joint decision to start a family. He could have stopped after No. 1 or 2 or 3 or 4, but he didn't. Anyway, the first four children are here now and No. 5 is on the way - you can't send them back!

I haven't read your other thread, but it does sound like he's trying to blame you for the end of your marriage and has settled on this as the reason. Maybe he has another woman lined up. Or maybe he just wants out and doesn't want to be cast at the bad guy - walking out and leaving you to manage with five children, one of them a new born baby. Or possibly he hopes that it will mean he will have to pay less in the divorce settlement. I wouldn't engage in any discussions about your fertility and I wouldn't go looking for reports to back up what you have said. He's basically accusing you of lying. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who would make an accusation like that. He doesn't love or respect you anymore. Even if you hand him proof that you didn't lie, that probably won't appease him. In fact, it will probably make him angrier because you've removed his excuse. And there's nothing to stop him painting you as the bad guy to his family and friends, irrespective of what really happened.

I appreciate that you're six months pregnant, but I would be seeing a solicitor at the earliest opportunity and filing for divorce. I think it's a really bad idea for you to continue to live with him. He sounds really nasty and your marriage has turned very toxic. Not to mention that fact that he coerced you into having your fifth child. Do you have any family you could stay with? But I appreciate that it's a big ask to take in an adult and four/five children.

A year ago everything was good, we had just bought the house after selling our previous one but apparently things weren’t good for him and he’s been unhappy for a long time

If two parents are in a house together with the children and the one is abusive to the other, it's a broken home. It's just broken on the inside instead of on the outside.

There is nothing wrong with a broken home when you are giving a loving and warm atmosphere for your children. Better them to have a broken on the outside home and being able to see a healthy parent and love than to be from a broken from the inside home, which never gets figured out and leaves the children with confusion, fear, anger and trauma.

Is he employed (Vs self employed)?

Cause you need to be thinking about getting 5 kids' child maintenance.

Though I have a feeling he'll not be quite so keen to split when he realises he'll have to pay that.

Or have them at least 50% of the time - meaning over nights. Non over nights don't count.

You may also be able to get spousal maintenance if you've been a sahm or part-time.

Keep in mind god future that if you qualify for UC, you get 85% of childcare paid for any hours you are working, up to a cap every month.

See a solicitor. Some give first session free.

Or you could see if WA could set you up with one. Because this is emotional abuse.
He also sounds somewhat financially abusive.

Here WA has a one day a week one stop shop with a solicitor etc.

He's also slagging off your family of origin/background, even though it was actually stable and happy with your step dad.

More emotional abuse.

And there's quite an irony in him saying "do you want your kids being from a broken home) when he's behaving in a way that would break up their family.

The being enthusiastic about having another child and now this ...... What a shitty person.

He's been unhappy for a while, has he? How come he encouraged you to have another child then?

Definitely some rewriting going on here.

he’s been unhappy for a long time

Why would he encourage you to have more kids then?

Why wouldn't he get the snip?

Is he able to explain either of these total and utter inconsistencies?

Or is he above explaining himself?

He’s in employment. A very good job. He’s a very hands on dad and very good to them I’ll never take that away from him. I know in my heart he would never withhold money from them and would support them financially and every other way. I have no concerns about the children being looked after

Fertility is a funny thing. A very inexact science.

I know couples who are (according to the tests) completely fertile - everything looks perfect - and yet they can’t get pregnant after years of trying. And also couples who were basically told “no chance” and then one night of not being particularly careful and “whammo”. And a couple that took over 10 years and £50k to get the two children they always dreamed of and then they wondered why the wife was suddenly being sick every morning at 43 - and now they have 3 lovely kids!

I know a baby that was conceived despite perfect use of the pill (and if you know the mother you would know it was perfect use!) and a couple who tried everything but just can’t have a second child.

It is something that we just don’t understand properly yet.

But that is not really the point. The point is that your husband is abusive and you need to get away from him.

I have said to him if he’s so unhappy why does he want another child with me and I actually can’t remember his answer.

he’s being all Nice and polite to me today and I’m just giving one worded answers where possible or none at all.

he’s off out with his mam for dinner now

So what's stopping you from leaving the marriage now?

I have told him its over, i have emotionally and mentally left the marriage but we have not yet discussed the house, he has told me in the past that he would not leave the house we could just split it with seperate bedrooms, living rooms and bathrooms

Well…. He might not want to leave the house but it doesn’t mean that this is what is going to happen.
Because he said so doesn’t mean it will.

You need to go agd see a solicitor and get proper facts on what is and isn’t possible.
You need to start looking after yourself, just you, not him, agd take your iwn decisions. Not follow what he is telling you.

That’s rewriting history though….

what do you mean?

OP legal advice and get active .!
You can’t share a house with this man he will destroy you .
It will never be your or your kids home. .just a house you all share.
You are focusing on the wrong things a big house an area isn’t happiness or stability .

Of course he says you will share the house as it’ means he won’t have to pay maintenance . He can throw you out again when he likes . He will be paying off a house Instead of maintenance .
he can take you boys when he likes .
He won’t have to parent the kids alone .
He will remain on control.

Op please listen to everyone who is trying to help you

He doesn't get to make that decision though.

for the moment its just how it has to be. Im too pregnant to fight him hard for complete separation or divorce, im not strong enough yet

No advice @imsolosthere just wish I could offer you a hug x
Take care x

Thank you

So a grown man who obviously knows how babies are made is claiming that you tricked him 5 times to have a baby?!

Unless there was a turkey baster involved, well he's just a sad twat isn't he.

Sorry OP, I feel like he is just completely freaking out about another baby coming and it's made him act like a complete moron.

I only tricked him into the first one from my understanding and possibly the second according to him

Hes working from home today and I just dread him being here when the kids are in school.

He is acting like the accusations never happened, back to our usual no talking but being pleasant in front of the kids

I have booked an online therapy session through my health insurance for Friday

This counsellor you've booked is presumably well versed in and understands abusive relationships?. If not cancel the session. Your time would also be best engaged in talking to Women's Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. Knowledge here is also power.

The sooner you can manage to divorce him the better off you will all be. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one because your current one is well and truly busted at his hands. It is not your fault nor the DCs here that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.