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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says I am lying about fertility results

183 replies

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 09:23

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 03/03/2025 16:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2025 15:33

This counsellor you've booked is presumably well versed in and understands abusive relationships?. If not cancel the session. Your time would also be best engaged in talking to Women's Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. Knowledge here is also power.

The sooner you can manage to divorce him the better off you will all be. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one because your current one is well and truly busted at his hands. It is not your fault nor the DCs here that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

They are a women’s rights advocate and domestic abuse advocate

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 03/03/2025 16:45

He’s a supposed grown arse man, who is looking for someone to blame for his choices. If it wasn’t this, then he would imagine something else.

This is who he is and he wouldn’t be the first man to choose the ‘trapped’ narrative to justify walking away from his responsibilities.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 03/03/2025 16:50

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2025 16:45

He’s a supposed grown arse man, who is looking for someone to blame for his choices. If it wasn’t this, then he would imagine something else.

This is who he is and he wouldn’t be the first man to choose the ‘trapped’ narrative to justify walking away from his responsibilities.

I really don’t think he would walk away from the kids, he really does love them and loves being with them. It’s just me…

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2025 17:21

Good. They should be able to help you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2025 17:24

He sees his children as a means to an end. If he truly loved then he would not ever abuse you as their mother. He is not a good dad to them because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn them. In addition he is sending them mixed messages,

Original poster
imsolosthere · 04/03/2025 15:15

He now says he’s going away for two days on his own to clear his head and get away from everything.

I can’t wait

OP posts:
DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 20:40

UninterestingFirstPost · 02/03/2025 11:54

Not that it’s the key problem but surely all those pregnancies and all those months not ovulating will have conserved your fertility? So before you had any children, the prognosis was correct

unfortunately that isn’t how it works- if it did taking the pill ( which suppresses ovulation) would delay the menopause!!

Muffintopgalore · 04/03/2025 20:47

UninterestingFirstPost · 02/03/2025 11:54

Not that it’s the key problem but surely all those pregnancies and all those months not ovulating will have conserved your fertility? So before you had any children, the prognosis was correct

I can understand the logic behind this thinking, but pregnancies don’t delay menopause

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 20:52

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 16:50

I have told him its over, i have emotionally and mentally left the marriage but we have not yet discussed the house, he has told me in the past that he would not leave the house we could just split it with seperate bedrooms, living rooms and bathrooms

Show quote history

Would this work for you though- you would still be sharing a kitchen?
Some couples go for “ nesting “ where the children stay put and the parents rotate.
Maybe if you just stayed with a friend or family one night a week in the short term just so you get the rest you need at this stage in pregnancy and he gets to see how much you do

Original poster
imsolosthere · 04/03/2025 20:57

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 20:52

Would this work for you though- you would still be sharing a kitchen?
Some couples go for “ nesting “ where the children stay put and the parents rotate.
Maybe if you just stayed with a friend or family one night a week in the short term just so you get the rest you need at this stage in pregnancy and he gets to see how much you do

Show quote history

I would be done with my use of the kitchen before he would get home, kids and myself fed. It’s quite easy not having to be in the same room except the mornings when he’s getting ready for work and I’m getting the kids ready for school.

I don’t want to be leaving, my kids especially my youngest is not used to me not being there 24/7.

OP posts:
DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 21:01

imsolosthere · 02/03/2025 17:10

for the moment its just how it has to be. Im too pregnant to fight him hard for complete separation or divorce, im not strong enough yet

Show quote history

I totally get that- open a fresh bank account that he doesn’t know about and syphon some money into it so you have money in your own name you can spend when you need to- a night in a hotel a lawyer whatever it takes to keep you sane.

UninterestingFirstPost · 04/03/2025 21:03

Muffintopgalore · 04/03/2025 20:47

I can understand the logic behind this thinking, but pregnancies don’t delay menopause

Show quote history

When was OP in menopause? She was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 04/03/2025 21:07

imsolosthere · 04/03/2025 15:15

He now says he’s going away for two days on his own to clear his head and get away from everything.

I can’t wait

I know that feeling- when you look forward to your husband being away you know the marriage is over. It’s just about working out the logistics of how things work going forward. I stayed too long after reaching that point and I think my relationship with my kids suffered as a result- all good now and they have pretty much disowned him but given my time again I wouldn’t have waited so long

Muffintopgalore · 04/03/2025 21:16

UninterestingFirstPost · 04/03/2025 21:03

When was OP in menopause? She was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve

Show quote history

Let me rephrase, being pregnant does not affect the overall individual fertility window a women will have to get pregnant over her lifetime

Bibi12 · 04/03/2025 23:06

He's being silly. Egg count is not always 100% accurate as your fertility can change with your diet, stress levels and general health. You only need one egg to get pregnant anyway.
Sounds like your health improved and your ovaries became more efficient.

He's acting weird too be honest.

Catoo · 05/03/2025 00:01

Sounds like he’s starting some version of the script. Rewriting history. Making out he was trapped.

Grey rock is the answer until you can leave him.

Next time he bangs on about the fertility issue I would be like ‘’No one forced you to have unprotected sex when DC1 was conceived. I am glad that DC1 is alive in the world. I’ve asked for copies of the letters from the clinic. If they arrive great. If they don’t I don’t give a shit. This is the last time I will discuss this with you.’ Then absolutely drop the rope on this one.

I have a feeling it will be something else after that but grey rock from that point. Stuff like
’OK whatever you say’
’Aha. Oh really? Ok’
‘Thanks. Will do. Sounds good.’ Etc etc. My friend had a man like this. He started the script saying she trapped him, then when she couldn’t be bothered with that, he moved on to her not cooking wholesome meals and not having nice hair etc etc. In the end she filed for divorce. He has been bitter ever since because whatever he thought he would be moving on to didn’t work out.

Hope the counselling helps give you some peace, and you manage to get through the next few months with as little stress as possible. 💐

Original poster
imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 09:52

He said the pressure of the last 12 years has finally caught up on him and he needs a few days away from everything

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 10:07

imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 09:52

He said the pressure of the last 12 years has finally caught up on him and he needs a few days away from everything

I think you should look to him having someone else .
Is he for real !
4 kids and he think he can piss off
Tell him if he leaves he won’t be coming back .

Ask him out right . Say you know he has someone else and you what to know who and how long .

Honestly OP how many times have you read the script on here . You

Original poster
imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 10:50

I really dont believe he has anybody else

OP posts:
Hollietree · 05/03/2025 15:57

imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 10:50

I really dont believe he has anybody else

Neither did any of the other millions of posters who say the same thing……. then lo and behold a month later they come back to post to say there was an OW the whole time.

Im not saying that is definitely what’s happening with your husband. But don’t rule it out. He’s rewriting history, seems like he is holding resentment towards you, trying to make himself the victim and you the bad guy, needs a few days away for his mental health……. Re-read the script and look out for more clues.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 16:03

Hollietree · 05/03/2025 15:57

Neither did any of the other millions of posters who say the same thing……. then lo and behold a month later they come back to post to say there was an OW the whole time.

Im not saying that is definitely what’s happening with your husband. But don’t rule it out. He’s rewriting history, seems like he is holding resentment towards you, trying to make himself the victim and you the bad guy, needs a few days away for his mental health……. Re-read the script and look out for more clues.

Edited
Show quote history

What should I be looking out for or doing because there has been no change in routine or anything like that

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 16:26

imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 16:03

What should I be looking out for or doing because there has been no change in routine or anything like that

Show quote history

You may think he is at work not has he been getting holidays(annual leave ) you don’t know about .
Sick days ? it’s could be someone he works with?
Do you have access to anything you could check. ?
Maybe look through his stuff too?
Access to bank . What about his phone . How is he with that ?

He is away for three days OP . Can you check email for bookings anywhere ?
Edited …. To add also it’s maybe an emotional affair up to now. Or office flirting / work wife. .
Someone on line and now these three days is the time they have choose to meet to move on .
I am sorry it must be hard having to think of all this as a possibility.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 16:27

Hollietree · 05/03/2025 15:57

Neither did any of the other millions of posters who say the same thing……. then lo and behold a month later they come back to post to say there was an OW the whole time.

Im not saying that is definitely what’s happening with your husband. But don’t rule it out. He’s rewriting history, seems like he is holding resentment towards you, trying to make himself the victim and you the bad guy, needs a few days away for his mental health……. Re-read the script and look out for more clues.

Edited
Show quote history

Very sad but true

Original poster
imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 16:32

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 16:26

You may think he is at work not has he been getting holidays(annual leave ) you don’t know about .
Sick days ? it’s could be someone he works with?
Do you have access to anything you could check. ?
Maybe look through his stuff too?
Access to bank . What about his phone . How is he with that ?

He is away for three days OP . Can you check email for bookings anywhere ?
Edited …. To add also it’s maybe an emotional affair up to now. Or office flirting / work wife. .
Someone on line and now these three days is the time they have choose to meet to move on .
I am sorry it must be hard having to think of all this as a possibility.

Edited
Show quote history

I have access to his emails and work emails.

he is staying in our holiday home

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 05/03/2025 16:35

imsolosthere · 05/03/2025 16:32

I have access to his emails and work emails.

he is staying in our holiday home

Show quote history

Is there a possibility you could get someone ( best friend) to be in the area and see if he has someone there ?
Or you could turn up one evening to “talk” all seems extreme but if he thinks your stuck home with 4 kids and he thinks you aren’t suspicious .
Tell him you have been thinking and a break is a great idea. But you will go to the holiday home and he can stay with the kids and he can have a break Wheh they in bed at night.