DH says I am lying about fertility results

[imsolosthere]

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

I agree .

@imsolosthere Do you think he has someone else ? Does he still try to have sex with you?
Who is calling the shots regarding no intimacy etc?

Surely they would not break medical confidentiality to tell him anything?

no i dont think he has anybody else, he goes to work, comes home, takes the kids to their activity, goes for a run sometimes or the gym, plays football one night a week.

Me on the other hand i never leave the house except for school runs, kids activities, hospital appointments, food shopping and to my parents house with the kids. Odd time to the shopping centre.

It would be easier if he did have somebody and just left.

sex hasnt been mentioned since the last time a few weeks ago, im sure at some point he will say again we need to try make this work and ask for sex but it will be a strong no from me. not only do i not want to but i also have pelvic gridle pain

I'm always amazed what some women have to put up with. I'd be involving my family and getting legal advice then seeing him in court. Life's too short to let someone else bully you like this. You'll never be happy with him because he'll always find some stick to beat you with. Stand up to him and start again. You deserve way better.

sorry that should have said it wasnt the consultant or clinic i went to.

He had very basic information to question them with so im not sure how they could give a definitive answer of i was lying

another things is I came from a "broken home" as he called it, mother left my physically abusive father and took us kids, met my step father who is amazing. I grew up in a council home with very little money but a very happy home and childhood.

He always says do you want our children coming from a broken home? I have given you everything you have always wanted but its never enough for you.

Im not a big spender, designer clothes, shoes, bags are not an interest to me. These are all his interests. Always tells me we have enough money for me to buy more expensive things but then questions what i have spent my money on.

Im a basic person, i dont ask for much. He spends more money on gifts and dinners out with his mother than he does on me

Stop engaging in his games, they are designed to destabilise your mental health. You've already admitted he's the cause of your unhappiness. Grey rock him and start divorce proceedings.

@imsolosthere so he is still calling the shots then don’t let the pig near your body .
You don’t want to sort anything out and you don’t need to . Make sure he knows and hears this.
Infact txt it so you have it in writing in case things escalate.
He’s a user with no respect for you . He is using you for sex and treating you terribly in between

Please please leave the bed . Don’t let him near you . He knows he will have sex with you if HE wants.

So what if you cane from a “broken home “ it doesn’t sound broken to me .
He is trying to make you feel less of a person who also know he is treating you bad and if he wears you down you won’t leave .
Honestly OP he is a bad one. .

If o was your friend I’d help you see this and know your worth .
Can you get some therapy? Don’t tell
him you owe him nothing.

He’s gaslighting you, just tell him “fine, believe whatever you want” and don’t get into discussion with him. He doesn’t actually believe any of that crap. He’s just trying to bully you and make you blame yourself. This is classic emotional abuse.

Have a look at the Freedom Program and read up on DARVO, it will help you understand his behaviour and see that you are the only victim here and have done nothing wrong.

I dont really have any friends, some i see occasionally but not that i could discuss this with

Im so sorry and this is what a man like yours does. .As a pp said he has you trapped with 5 kids that’s usually what a controlling man does. .
If you feel chatting more would help I am hear of you would like to p.m if it’s just an ear you need to vent too .

Thank you

Why are you enabling his ludicrous requests?! You don’t need to prove anything to him and yourself have said that you believe this is to use against you. And you’re still with him?! F that. You deserve better.

I have told him we are done.

This has little to do with your arsehole of a husband and how to deal with that, but when I was around 18 there were a lot of girls my age being diagnosed PCOS and told they'd struggle to conceive, and so many of them had kids really young because they hadn't really expected it to happen so easily. I'd always kind of wondered if there was more to it, not necessarily a conspiracy to get late teen birth rates up (though it's crossed my mind...) but maybe PCOS being the trendy diagnosis and other hormonal issues being misdiagnosed as a result. Always seemed a bit reckless to tell an 18 year old that she probably wasn't very fertile

I'm 37 now, guessing a similar age to the OP?

Yes I’m 37 this year.

How can it have consumed his thoughts night and day? He should be being a dad to your kids, not having loads of time out thinking about this stuff. He shouldn’t have time for such thoughts. Does he realise how ridiculous he sounds? Hardly an engaged dad and husband. The next time he says stuff like this, can you look at him with incredulity? It’s just odd.

I do not understand why you went for fertility tests in your 20s when you were not trying to conceive. I thought it was usual to wait until after at least one year of trying. I am not surprised your DH is sceptical, but it is too late for him to start questioning it now.

Sorry are using “low” fertility numbers for birth control?

Clearly financial strain on u both.

He's being ridiculous. Some people are told they are "completely infertile" by doctors and randomly fall pregnant. Others are told there's nothing wrong and yet never manage to conceive.

Fertility is not an exact science. You both made the choice to have kids - you didn't force him. I genuinely don't understand what he's cross about, he DECIDED to have kids and could've used contraception at any point if he didn't want them or didn't want any more. You didn't force him to do anything!

No we did not use it as birth control our children were planned

We have never struggled financially

My SIL was having fertility issues with very similar symptoms to what I was having. I was already having ongoing tests for PCOS and other issues. My GP referred me to the fertility clinic for testing

Agree
He wouldn’t be able to access any of your personal medical records. He doesn’t have that right

Firstly let him know you plan to go back yo the clinic/ consultant to check what and when they told him as this is a serious breach of confidentiality and needs to be reported to the Information Commissioners Office.
Secondly, it is far better to come from a ‘broken’ but happy home than from an abusive one.