DH says I am lying about fertility results

[imsolosthere]

I have a previous thread where i explained my situation and back story

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5277977-i-want-to-leave-dh-but-feel-stuck?page=2

Yesterday DH says for the last 5 months (im 6 months pregnant with our fifth) that he is convinced I lied to him 12 years ago about fertility results. He said he has spoken to two consultants who have told him what i have said cant be true.

When i was 24 I had concerns about my fertility due to a long history with period problems but have been checked for PCOS and it being confirmed I did not have it. My GP sent me to a fertility clinic for tests. I cant remember the exact details but I have requested my reports from them now. I do know that i was told my egg count was 13 which was very low for my age and that if i wanted children I should get started now. So then BF (now DH) agreed and we had our first and soon after our second.

We then talked about a 3rd a few years later and again I went for the same tests to see where we stood. I was told my egg levels were 7 and that at this rate I would be infertile by the age of 30.

We are now pregnant with our 5th. Pregnancy has never taken more than a few months, so he is convinced I doctored the letters from the clinic back then to trick him into having kids.

He wants to meet with the fertility clinic to check what i have told him all them years ago, I have no issues with this as i know i havnt told lies on this.

Im just so lost and stuck, I have told him not to speak to me unless its about the children, im so low and spend too much time crying. My whole pregnancy has been unhappy. Im trying to find ways out but none seem possible

He won’t get violent, he’s too smart for that. He uses mind games, he wares me down, always makes comments about my clothes, hair, clothes I buy the kids.

id be very happy if he would cheat, then it would give me something on him, right now it’s my word against his. He very much seen as the great dad and the golden boy to his family.

he has an extremely well paying job, I was told yesterday that he only works so hard to provide for me and the kids and that he only bought it house because I said it’s my dream home…. I don’t remember saying that

It was the consultant or clinic I attended that he said he spoke to. He literally just had the egg count level, no results of the other tests.

I don’t believe he has spoken to anybody

You're obviously very fertile so I can see why he might not believe you. Surprised he didn't come with you to any of these appointments.

"id be very happy if he would cheat, then it would give me something on him, right now it’s my word against his. He very much seen as the great dad and the golden boy to his family".

But you do not need such evidence at all in order to divorce him. You only need to give your own self permission to leave. What example of a relationship are you both showing your kids here?. One day they will all leave home and none of them will want to return to visit particularly if you are still together then.

Of course he is the golden boy child in his family; such selfish people often are and his family will remain loyal to him rather than you.

How much child maintenance would he have to pay you, and would it cover enough for you to remain in that house til baby is old enough for you to sell up & downsize, or take over mortgage?

The child maintenance should at least cover his half of the mortgage.

Then he can rent a 2 bed with sofa bed. You don't need evidence for a divorce. You only need your belief in yourself.

And good friends, support, enough self belief & some energy.

it is not my long term plan to stay living in the same house separated, its a needs must for now. I dont want my children growing up thinking this is what a relationship should be like.

Your latest post is really upsetting, you're describing some horrible toxic chess game rather than a marriage. Your husband is emotionally abusive and you deserve much, much better than this.

@imsolosthere please go to women’s aid he is chipping away at you bit by bit.
You state he Gaslights you and is emotionally abusive .

When everything happened a few years ago, I spoke up about how he gaslights me and I was told it was all in my head, that I was making a bigger deal out of it then it was.

hes very good at arguing and turning my words around, making it sound like I said something but it’s not how I meant it.

im very uncomfortable with arguments and always go into myself or get frustrated and get my words mixed up and he used that against me. I always said he would make a good lawyer

the fact that he has even questioned you to the point of wanting to speak to the fertility clinic is insane. This would be a deal breaker for me. Also him wanting kids shouldn’t be based on the fact you “might not have been able to have them”. You have kids because you want them regardless of how they are conceived. He can’t use that against you. If he didn’t want them he could have said no.

If a woman has a low antral follicle count (AFC) it means she has a reduced ovarian reserve but pregnancy is still possible if your trying and tracking your cycles etc

Don’t speak to him about his behaviour it long past that . He isn’t going to change.
Talk to a solicitor and women’s aid about it . For support and reasons for divorce. .

Don't waste your energy on him .

When you say your egg count do you mean a follicle count on a scan, or your AMH level? An AMH of 13 is on the low side for your 20s but by no means indicates looming infertility - mine was below 5 and I was still told I could concieve naturally and to use contraception if I didn’t want this.

It sounds to me like he knows you’ve had enough and he’s using this as an excuse to make everything your fault. He wants to be perceived as the good guy and make you the villain, so he’s clutching at this straw.
You already want to leave him. So stop trying to convince him, he knows the truth, he’s just gaslighting you again. You can make the truth known to your people and he can lie to his if that’s what he wants to do. Focus your energy on getting out and planning a future for you and your kids xx

I wish I had the report in my hand so I could get the correct details. I know there is a copy in the attic but getting up there at 6 months pregnant isn’t really easy.

he has said this meeting can wait until after baby is born but I don’t need to wait that long

It wouldn't even matter if you had tricked him. The man who doesn't want kids, takes responsibility by himself so it doesn't happen.

Sounds like he has one foot out of the door OP. Even when you do prove it, he'll still think it's your fault.

Drop the rope my dear. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Don’t engage. If he raises it, leave the room. Make absolutely no further efforts to convince him or to prove your case. It is absolutely crucial though that you tell him, either face to face or in writing that you have always been absolutely honest about your fertility, and you will not discuss the matter further. Then stick to it. Not a word. No matter what he says.
Then do this with all his other shit too.

You know this is bullshit, right?

He would never have started a family if...he felt pressure to...

And yet, when it all proved to not be a problem, he's happily getting you pregnant again and again?

As others have said, this is controlling and coercive. You haven't lied and you are under no obligation to justify yourself.

I wouldn't tolerate this. I hope he isn't letting his engineered resentment affect his treatment of your children.

This sounds like a real mess of a situation. I'm so sorry you are having this stress while being pregnant too. I agree with other posters that his sudden preoccupation that you misled him about the medical advice is an indicator of a different issue. Otherwise why would he suddenly be concerned about it after 5 kids which he willingly planned with you, especially as he begged for the last two.

His comments about being tricked into starting a family so young sound very much like rewriting history. It would seem that being a father of 5 suddenly doesn't suit him and he wants to blame you and possibly have an excuse to get out of the marriage without being the bad guy. I hope I'm wrong but that's what it seems like.

I will add that if your tests were for FSH levels, these are now known to be not as reliable an indicator of egg reserve as thought not least because the testing methods used a decade or so ago could themselves skew results. I had a FSH test in late 2011 or early 2012 which came out very high (indicating very low egg reserve) while having investigations with the NHS. A year or so later I went to a private fertility clinic and the consultant suggested re-running the tests as it was now thought that the way the blood samples were "spun" (i think) during testing could artificially enhance the FSH score and a different method was used now. Sure enough the retest gave a much better result which was not only a good egg reserve indicator for my age but generally! (I did then conceive naturally not long after and had my youngest in 2014.) Sorry I know this is a long anecdote but if your timeline is similar is entirely plausible something similar happened to you. Though as noted above, that's not the real problem in your marriage.

You are, however allowed one incredulous eyebrow.

Tell him that you are not going to waste the fertility clinic's or your own time with your DH's ridiculous request. What is he hoping to achieve?

You would be better off without him.

I wouldn’t contemplate getting into a discussion with him.
You need to grey rock him all the way.
’Yes that’s how you see things. I have a different memory/see things differently’. Or even ‘hmmm ….’
In a loop.

You trying to show him you didn’t lie etc… just gives him more ammunitions. He’ll just twist things again etc….
I mean it’s clear he is lying about having talked to 2 different consultants. It’s hard enough to get an appointment. You wouldn’t get to chat to them like this (and they certainly would not talk about your results - confidentiality etc….)

I do note he didn’t come to the appointments though. Even then he was very keen on having many children but couldn’t be bothered to come with you to check how you were doing….

He has said if the clinic confirm iv lied then we are done and everybody will know the true story,

I told him we are done already

I wouldn’t even entertain his rubbish either way. Things change all the time anyway, different clinics give different advice for the same numbers (3 cycles of IVF deep here!) and if he didn’t want the children then condoms or abstinence were available to him. My friend had her first son via IVF and was told she’d never conceive naturally then had her second baby within a year and a half because she’d never bothered to prevent a pregnancy that she didn’t think could happen! Your partner needs to realise that nothing in this area of medicine is an exact science!

No he didn’t come with me. Both were blood tests and then reports sent in the post with a follow up phone call. He said he didn’t even read the reports as they were just charts and numbers but had blind trust in me so didn’t question it

Which means there is really no need for you to jump, through hoops for him.

I mean, by any means, if seeing the numbers makes you feel better because that’s the proof your memory is right and no you didn’t lie, fair enough.
BUT that’s for YOU.

It won’t have any impact on the fact you’re done.
Id concentrate on that. Organise yourself. For the next few months until you separate and for the after separation.
Oh agd have a word about what’s happening with your MW too.